Have things really gotten so bad that I have to drag out Blossom again? We've only burned through one-fourth of this current year, and already I wouldn't live it again if you paid me a billion bucks. The only way I'll make it through nine more months of this is if I shut the drapes, glue myself to the couch and focus on the make-believe adventures of a sarcastic teenager with a nose sharp enough to serve as an ice pick. The crazy thing is that this time, I'm probably not the only one plowing through Blossom reruns right now. There may be thousands doing it! We're all in this together.
|As we did last time, we're using an authentic VHS recording from the distant past; no blasphemous HD conversion for us. This one aired on October 7, 1991 and begins with advertisments where a woman ponders the amazingness of eyelashes, and a Wheaties spinoff ties into Field of Dreams for no reason we can figure out. There's also a trailer for Little Man Tate, a movie starring and directed by Jodie Foster, about a child genius. Did you know Mayim Bialik was also a child genius? Mayim Bialik might've said so a couple times.|
When the episode fades in, Blossom and Six are checking the contents of a well-stuffed duffel bag. It's full of clothes that might possibly be even crazier than the ones they've got on. "Formal wear, sequin and non-sequin." "Check." "Shorts....walking, running, Bermuda and Hammer Pants." "Check." The thought of Blossom wearing Hammer Pants is a disturbing one...but maybe they're for Six; she might be able to pull it off.
Blossom's dad points out, mainly for the courtesy of the viewers, that they're packing for some kind of month-long hike up the mountains when in reality all they're doing is taking an overnight trip with their high school marching band to win some competition. But it serves as a reminder for Blossom as well -- she packed so many weird clothes that she almost forgot to put her trumpet in there.
The bus arrives. Dad asks Joey to carry Blossom's bags. Joey refuses, claiming "I threw out my back sliding into second yesterday, and now I can't lift a thing." Cue the attractive blonde Senior Chaperone Melissa who appears at the door, which makes Joey leap over furniture to get those bags in typical sitcom teenager fashion. The effort is for nothing...he returns crestfallen, whimpering "Melissa shot me down like a Patriot Missile."
We're not following Blossom yet...first we have to stick in this subplot where her grandfather suspects Dangerous Dungarees of drinking. His theory is based on the fact that DD has been using a lot of breath spray, as if to disguise the smell of his actual breath. Nick is confident he couldn't be falling off the wagon -- he must actually have stinky breath. We'll see, won't we?
I don't know what kind of public school Blossom goes to, or what budget they operate under, but daaaaaaaaaang, they can afford some RITZY hotel rooms. The room Blossom and Six are staying in is huge, and Blossom says they have a gym, an indoor pool and a massage parlor. Your tax dollars at work! After they battle over the rights to the free samples, their minds wander to what kind of celebrities they could meet at the hotel. "Maybe the Fresh Prince!" says Six. This is...not outside the realm of possibility, given that NBC aired Fresh Prince and Blossom together for years.
Then Blossom and Six start performing the Fresh Prince theme song, taking this to another level. This means the TV series exists on "Blossom," making a direct crossover now impossible, unless Will Smith plays himself as an actor.
Room Service drops in, carrying Cheerios and milk on a platter. The man acts like the whole thing is beneath him, and doesn't stop glaring at the girls with a "gimmee a break" stare the entire time. Blossom explains that they went cheap on the meal because they're on a budget. He asks why they aren't just charging the expense to the room. "WE CAN DO THAT??" exclaims Blossom. Was she under the impression she was paying for this whole visit? Or that her dad was?
They change their order to steak and lobster, and then Dead Inside Man points out there's also a mini-bar, which they proceed to raid.
Back to the house. Joey wants a tattoo. That's nice.
accuses Grandpa Buzz of encouraging him. Buzz pleads guilty, and
says the kids' father should loosen the reins a little, otherwise
they'll grow to resent him.
"Hey, I am a GREAT father," he counters. "Joey's biggest problem is that he listens to YOU, [Dangerous Dungarees] is the best he's been in years, and Blossom, well...we both have to admit she's practically a saint."
Cut to Blossom and Six experimenting with boozes from the mini-bar. The school is paying for lavish hotel rooms that carry alcohol to minors. When the voters hear about THIS, hoo boy.
the brew they've concocted, a mixture of vodka, rum and scotch,
Six recoils. "Ugh, smells like Coach Crawford."
"You're right...and I always thought that was his aftershave," says Blossom.
They're about to
down their hooch when Blossom freezes.
"I....I can't do it. I saw what happened to [Dangerous Dungarees] with his drinking; I can't let it happen to me."
I'm sure doin' it," says Six. She takes a sip and, a
half-second later, blasts out a spit take. Blossom, who was in
the line of fire, is not happy.
But their mood changes when they order more junk food from Room Service and charge it to the school again. Blossom is blowing their budget for the next five years!
After this, they
decide to look for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Getting into the
elevator, Six wonders, "Do you really think he's staying
"If he is, we'll find him," Blossom assures her. "There's no place he can hide."
They just missed him. He is indeed in this episode! Will Smith struts down the hall they just exited and cooly leans against the wall.
|Time for more commercials! There's not as much you can say about this break than there was about the previous one. Dave Thomas appears and makes dated complaints about some made-up prices that would be bargains today.|
When the show returns, Six is actually dropping water balloons out the window, trying to nail the bellboy below. If this doesn't wake the school up to the mistake they've made, nothing will.
flipping through the TV listings and realizes they can get
pay-per-view movies here, then charge them to the room.
"What movies do they have?"
"The one on now says Adults Only."
"Well, we're adults," says one of the two parties responsible for flinging water balloons outside a hotel window just minutes ago. "What's it called?"
"Why would ADULTS want to watch a movie about CHEERLEADERS?"
Thirty seconds later: "............Oh."
Dangerous Dungarees takes a few puffs outside the door, then uses a little breath spray and enters. It's a foolproof plan, if cigarette smell didn't have the ability to get into your clothes.
Dad stops him,
and demands to know what he was just up to out there. "I
need to know...are you using again?"
"WHAT? NO! NO, I...........................................yeah."
DD admits to
smoking, and Nick is outraged. Then he specifies "smoking
cigarettes," and Dad's mood changes. "....THAT'S
See, he thought DD meant pot, but he actually meant cigarettes, so you can imagine Dad's relief, because tobacco is FAR less dangerous than marijuana and only one-fourth as addictive.
However, he insists that DD quit what he just started. And he has a foolproof method of weaning him off the stuff: "Smoke another cigarette and I'll tear your head off."
Blossom and Six are now in a jacuzzi with four bottles of bubble bath dumped in. They've been committing this nonsense for twenty minutes now with no repercussions. I mean, nearly drowning in the tub would be enough for some people, but you know Blossom and Six are just going to wreck something else after they dry off. Can anything stop their rampage??
....It isn't any adult authority, but this'll do. The school BOMBED their attempt at marching band award glory, and it's because half the kids were either asleep or hung over due to partying too much in the hotel. Where was Attractive Chaperone Girl Melissa anyway? Six says she didn't make an appearance until around 3 AM, with the bellboy around her arms. At the moment, she's lying passed out in the fountain outside.
Oh yeah, and....it turns out the school ISN'T paying for any of the things Blossom and Six consumed, devoured or broke. They're faced with a massive bill! And this ISN'T happening during the time of a pandemic, so the bill cannot be waived for a couple months! They'll be grounded forever! And they didn't even get to meet the Fresh Prince...
Oh wait, there
he is. "YOU'RE REALLY HERE! WE COULDN'T FIND YOU!!"
"Oh yeah, that's probably because they make me stay under an alias, you see...because people like you might bother me."
Blossom wants an autograph immediately, but neither she nor Will have current access to pen or paper. Will decides to give her his hat instead.
All this happened while Six wasn't there, and she doesn't believe Blossom at all, not even when she shows the hat.
dreading the catastrophe that's going to force me to
bring out Blossom a third time. Nuclear winter? Zombie
apocalypse? Insert funny Rule Of Threes line here? It's
terrifying to think about. But just remember what a wise
man once said: we don't know about the future, that's
anybody's guess, and it ain't no good reason for gettin'
all depressed. In my opinionation, the sun is gonna
But until then, keep feet away from me.
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