Why was it such a misfit?

Dear Ren and Stimpy,
I hope you can come visit us in our country -- the United States of America. And please bring your costumes.
Signed, Virginia O'Hanlon

It wouldn't be until the 90s when someone would try doing something with Virginia again, but this time it was a full live-action TV movie. That means this basic story had to be stretched out four times as long, and a LOT more of the truth would have to be embellished to get there. A notice appears at the end of this one that says "certain events may have been fabricated." And how!

I now have a locally taped copy with ads, and I was pleased to find it. This is one I remember watching, with my parents, the night it aired -- the whole thing. I had actually never heard of Virginia or the letter and had no idea the movie was based on a true story. It would have to stand on its own to impress me. Did it?

This one opens on a rather dour note with Mr. Church (Charles Bronson) staring at a headstone marking the dual burial site of his wife AND daughter. He opens a pocket watch with Lizzie's black-and-white portrait in it, sighs, and takes a swig of booze. And then another swig of booze. As far as we know, Mr. Church's family was alive at the time of Virginia's letter.

The scene after this is a bunch of men hauling heavy sacks out of a ship docked in a harbor. One of them throws their sack at another one, and the two get into a fist fight, which ends with the instigator getting thrown all the way off the harbor into the chilly water below. The winner has an Irish accent (yet is not a cop) and his friend tells him "He was askin' for it. Good for you, O'Hanlon." The O'Hanlons are specifically Irish in this one.

A child actor named Katharine Isobel was hired to play Virginia -- it was her first gig. Virginia is playing jump rope with her friends but misses a step. Two girls start mocking her: "maybe you should ask Santa for some new shoes, Virginia." They then get into the first debate of many on the jolly man's existence. They don't believe, she does, and of course they're snotty about it.

For shoving the bully into the sea, Mr. O'Hanlon is fired from his job. He searches all over town for employment, but only gets shaking heads and "No Help Wanted" signs. Short on cash, he swipes a copy of The Sun from the delivery cart when they aren't looking. It turns out to be yesterday's copy, but he doesn't figure that out until he realizes a hundred people have applied ahead of him to the jobs listed. One merchant eventually takes pity on him and agrees to give him his own copy of The Sun each morning when the man is through with it. He sells fish, so...it's a smelly copy, but good fortune that smells like fish is better than no fortune at all.

This is a very Dickensian take on the Virginia story, with blatantly unsubtle class divisions, Scrooge-type aristocratic villains in top hats. a lot of solid black fashions, and lots of snow -- all the way down to Virginia fighting with her brother over porridge. Also, everyone in her family has a thick Irish accent except for her. It's like Cindy Lou somehow having the only non-Who nose in the Grinch movie -- the one the American audience is supposed to identify with can't be TOO different.

Mr. Church isn't the Editor In Chief of the Sun like last time....he's just a reporter, and Mr. Mitchell (Ed Asner) fills the Barking EIC role. Asner stomps over to Church's desk to find, once again, he's not there. Then he discovers the "article" Church has been typing is just "asdfghjkl" over and over again. This seems to have happened before, because he knows what to look for -- he opens the desk drawer and pulls out several empty bottles of Jack Daniels.

Church is currently at the street pub getting more drunk, and while he's there a Top Hat Scrooge stands over him, mocking his presence. "The great roving reporter....the gallant editorializer....Frank Himself Church! The great controversialist, would-be champion of the common man, would-be slayer of the capitalist dragon! Dreaming up more dribble against the aristocracy? Men like....MY UNCLE? Right, MISTER CHURCH? If you're looking for Dr. Livingston, he's already been found in Africa...not in a bottle!" I get you two have some animosity (it was advertised with a bullhorn just now), but the guy's family just died; leave him the heck alone.

One of Mr. Church's co-workers, Andrea Boorland, starts to worry about him. She tracks him down to the pub and tells him she knows it's been a rough few months, but he needs to pick himself back up and take control of his life again, and he can start by turning in the editorial he's supposed to be writing. "You HAVE been writing it, haven't you?"

Church drunkenly says "Uh yesh, it's just about finished...there has to be a finish to every story...so I finished the story...." He pulls a crumpled paper out of his jacket, smooths it out with his fists and then his head hits the table. Andrea picks it up and is horrified: it's a mess of scratched-out sentences and scribbles. It's not ready for prime time at all. Meanwhile Evil Scrooge Man is casually watching these events unfold while nibbling on bar peanuts one at a time.

The next morning, Andrea walks into Asner's office and tells him, "Francis Church is feeling a bit under the weather, so he asked me to turn in his latest editorial." She hands him a nicely typed essay on clean paper. Asner looks it over and seems very impressed. "I'll tell you something, Miss Boorland...even drunk, Frank Church is still the best newspaper man in this or any other town."

When Church is sober enough to show up for work the next day, everyone is complimenting him on his editorial. "A real humdinger, sir!" a young intern pipes. Church knows who the real writer is, and stands over Andrea as she's typing, saying "I suppose you expect me to thank you."

"Do you remember lecturing a journalism class at NYU a few years ago?" Andrea tells him. "I was one of only three females in that class. I was ready to quit, until that day. It's because of what you said...and what you've written...that I didn't."

In response, Church tells Andrea just how disillusioned he's become with everything. "I could put anything in the paper, but that wouldn't change the fact that tomorrow, it'll be YESTERDAY'S newspaper, and you can wrap a fish in it. Nothing that you or I or anyone else writes for a newspaper has a lifespan of anything but 24 hours!" When Andrea disputes this, Church calls her delusional.

And when Andrea exits the office, Evil Top Hat Aristrocrat is waiting for her. "I KNOW it was really you who wrote that article," he tells her. "Why should you waste your time at the Sun, when your talents would be much better appreciated at the Chronicle, which is the paper my uncle owns? My uncle is rich, you see, and by extension so am I. I can't stop pointing that out. Nyeh heh heh."
While Andrea might be better paid at the Chronicle, it would mean having to see this guy every day, so she turns him down.

You notice I haven't mentioned the Virgnia side of this story much....that's because there's a lot more of Church than Virginia in this version, and whenever we DO get a brief scene with her, it's something inconsequential. All you need to know is that her dad still can't find a job. He wallows in his misery every time he comes home, but his optimistic wife keeps reassuring him everything is fine. She says she already bought presents for the family, and James O'Hanlon wonders how. Then he notices the heavy shawl she uses to keep warm is missing, and realizes she pulled a Gift of the Magi on him. That just makes him even more mopey.

You wondered how much padding this movie would have....well, it's nearly half over and not a single actual thing relating to Virginia's letter has happened. That changes now when Virginia finally asks her father directly if Santa is real, and he dodges the question a bit by talking about the Sun. "You see this paper? I rely on it for information, to connect with the community, I don't know if there's really a Santa Claus, but if they say it in the Sun, it's so."

That's when Virginia gets her idea to write to the Sun and ask them...but before that crucial scene can happen, we need a few more with Francis Church. Foppish Cocky Top-Hatted One Percenter McEvil spots him at the bar again and decides to rub it in because he can. "I KNOW it wasn't you who wrote that piece, Mr. Church. It must be nice to have a lady friend at your beck and call like that. What else does she do for you? And if you're thinking right now of engaging in fisticuffs, know that I am well prepared....I was caption of the Yale boxing team, which was at Yale, which is a highbrow institution only I can afford, because my uncle is rich, you see, yes, indeed."

People like this in real lfie are nothing but talk, and so is this guy, because Church easily punches his lights out with one blow. The bartender is like "eh."

Meanwhile. Mr. O'Hanlon is getting into some fights of his own. He was just chilling with a stray cat behind the fish store, waiting for the merchant to give him his copy of the Sun, when a robber suddenly burst out the back door. OHanlon tackles him, and they trade a few blows, but then the robber brings out a knife. They struggle and O'Hanlon wrestles the knife away from him. At that moment the police arrive, attracted to the commotion, just in time to see O'Hanlon holding the knife himself. "This guy was trying to rob me and I was just defending myself," the robber claims. I've noticed lately, in real life, a popular strategy among the guilty is to accuse their opponent of doing the thing they're doing. This strategy is incredibly prevalent among politicians, and what's most annoying is that it tends to work.

But it doesn't work this time, because the police search his pockets and find the stolen money. O'Hanlon gets a compliment from the policemen and from the fish store owner, but nice words won't improve his current lot in life.

The good news is, O'Hanlon finally manages to hunt down a place of employment: another bar, this one by the docks, where he's assigned to mop the floors. The bad news is, his old co-workers stop by and are not pleased to see the guy who cleaned their clocks before, They mock his new position and deliberately spill things on the ground for him to mop up. That's how the fight breaks out, and again, the bartender is like "eh." But it's going differently for Mr. O'Hanlon this time, and he's getting the punching of his life when his friend shows up and evens the odds. They deck the dock workers, and O'Hanlon adds the cherry by dumping his bucket of floor waste onto the instigator's face. (If you think that's too far for a good guy, the man is bigoted against Irish people, so...)

After his encounter, Church walks home, lets loose the connection to his gas fireplace and starts shutting all the windows. Yes, it's what you think. This is where they'd stick a Suicide Hotline notice if this were made today. But he fortunately doesn't get very far because Asner turns up at his door moments later, and Church has to quickly dissipate the fumes by turning the gas off and opening the windows back up.

Asner has come to check on his well being. Seems this gruff editor has a heart of gold after all (just like every other character Asner ever played -- he was typecast for sure, but he was good at that type). This is still about Church's wife. "It took me years to find the right woman and marry her, and what did I do? Take her for granted! You know I never spenr one Christmas with her? We were married three years, and each time I was away on business. She could have had her pick of one hundred men better than me."

"IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT," Asner interjects. "There was an epidemic. A lot of other people died." He's not talking about the Spanish Influenza, is he? That didn't take place until 15 years later.
There's a second reason Asner stopped by and it's because he has a special assignment for Church, but he's decided not to tell him what it is until the morning. You can probably guess.

When Francis steps into Asner's office, he's told "This could be the toughest assignment I've ever given you."
"Big?"
"Very big."
"Important?"
"VERY important."
"Is this dangerous?"
"Could be."
He's really overselling this child's letter.

When Church is handed the letter he's flabbergasted. "Is this your idea of a joke? I write editorials, that's what I get paid for. Crime, corruption, controversy...that's what I write!" He insists the job be given to Andrea, but Asner won't back down. It's going to be Francis.

And Francis goes about this much like the Francis from the 70s cartoon did....fishing for inspiration by walking around an unusually lively neighborhood full of dancing, happy people. He sits on a park bench and notices something buried in the snow, He tugs at it and out comes a baby rattle. This will allegedly inspire one sentence from the essay.

Having found his inspiration, Church chucks his liquor in the trash, rushes to the offices of the Sun and starts banging out words like never before, Virginia's letter by his side. It goes to print the next morning -- front page. Everyone at the office loves it. Asner reads the page at his desk and chuckles to himself, "Church, you've done it."

But it actually takes Virginia a while to realize where her letter wound up. Whenever we cut back to her apartment the focus is still on O'Hanlon rather than her, He comes home to his family proclaiming he has a job, which doesn't pay much but will meet their needs. Between that and his wife's sacrifices, they should be able to have a Merry Christmas.

Then there's a knock at the door. It's.....the.....police. They're here for Mr. O'Hanlon. As in, the guy who's been getting into a lot of fights lately. Or is this about the robber incident? Did the robber manage to convince the cops O'Hanlon was the guilty one? As they take him away, the rest of the family is now distraught. Maybe this Christmas won't be so merry after all.

Just kidding -- it's super-duper merry! O'Hanlon returns the next morning, Christmas Day, to reveal the cops took him because...they wanted to hire him! They were so impressed by his capture of that robber they want to bring him on the force! Just like that! Sure, why not. After this everyone opens their presents. Virginia wrapped that day's copy of the Sun to give to her father, apparently without reading a word of it.

When O'Hanlon unfolds the paper, he's astonished -- it's Virginia's letter! And Church's response is the most brilliant thing ever! "You tear apart a baby's rattle, and see what makes the noise inside. But there is a veil that covers the unseen world, which is something the united strength of all the mightiest men that ever lived could never tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love and romance can push aside that curtain...and view the sublime beauty and glory beyond." He slowly reads it aloud as everyone gathers around him, and we do mean EVERYONE: Church himself actually shows up at the door, as well as Andrea (guess they're dating now), to watch O'Hanlon read. How did he know where she lives? He just had the letter, not the envelope that might've had the home address. How is he there??

I don't know, but the final thing Virginia does is reach under the tree and pull out a shiny new pair of red boots -- the boots she asked for at the beginning of the story. Both her parents shrug, and act as if neither bought them. "They must be from SANTA CLAUS!" Virginia exclaims, as she's freeze-framed so the end credits can display over her face. The issue of his existence is handled a lot more subtly than the 1970s version, where he simply appears.

In fact, the only character who doesn't wander into Virginia's apartment during the ending is Evil Top-Hat Moneygrubbing Late-Capitalist Scrooge-ariffic Blast Hardcheese. The story completely abandons him after Church knocks him out. Presumably he's still on that bar floor, possibly dead. Oh well, who cares.

Why didn't it fit in?
This is one incredibly wholesome, twee and cornball movie, the kind that broadcast network television doesn't produce anymore. (But they're not extinct -- if Hallmark were to make a Virginia adaptation, it wouldn't be that different from this.) Despite its corniness, the sensation of traveling back in time and watching it with the original ads I saw that night was great. Your own mileage may vary. This year the movie is running on digital subchannel StartTV, if you wish to check it out.