It's Christmastime again (or maybe not, depending on when you're reading this). This means we'll be subjected to, among other things, the same bunch of old songs we heard last year, and the year before, and every year since we've been born. Don't like "Frosty"? You'll LEARN to like it, punk.

Some songs, we're less eager to welcome back than others. In fact, we wish they'd never return, but we can't change the world. Now stay tuned as I give my picks for......

No picture illustrations this time....really, what would I put here?

#5 "I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS"
This one, I am picking because of its commonality; ergo, they play this every five minutes no matter where you go. You know how every major recording artist gets lazy and decides to either put out a "Greatest Hits" rehash or a Christmas album? Well, every single singer in the world, no matter which bunch of yule songs they pick, ALWAYS picks this song. They have ALL sung it and, like the audio equivalent of "A Christmas Carol," there's no shortage of it anywhere.

It's one of the only holiday songs that doesn't have a happy ending (except for Neil Diamond's variation). I guess it gets so much exposure because not everyone can be home for Christmas and they can identify with it. It was first released during World War II, when a lot of people would not be home.

#4 "THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"
This is one of the only Nativity-themed tunes that can break through the secular smokescreen every year, but that doesn't change the fact that it's stupid.

I can't remember when I heard it first, but whenever I did, I already guessed the ending before it came....it's written as a surprise, like I have no brain. What did the writer assume I would think Baby Jesus was going to do? Suddenly stand up on his hind legs, throw the drum down onto Drummer Boy's feet and bellow "YOU HAVE OFFENDED ME WITH THIS MEAGER OFFERING; I SHALL SMITE THEE!!" and then incinerate him with a bolt of lightning?

There's no Drummer Boy in the Bible, but there is a passage with events that mirror the song's message: Jesus sees a rich man give an exhorbitant amount of money to a church offering, and then sees a poor old woman give the only coin she had. He says that old woman just gave more money to God than the rich man ever will. The "thought that counts" message is in both events, so I'd expect Baby Jesus to smile if I came up with a set of drums and started banging. (I'd have to mean it, though.)

#3 "SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS"
"Hey, why are you dragging the Walrus into this?" you might ask. It's not that I have anything against John, other than a few blasphemous statements. His contribution to Christmas is fine with me, up to a point. I think you know which point I'm referring to. There's....this part in the second half of the song where he gives the microphone to someone else, and it nearly ruins the whole tune.

"WAA-A-A-A-RRRR--R-R IIISSSSSSS OOOOOO-O-O-OOO--OOVER..."
Don't blame Lennon for this, blame his hormones.

To make things worse, it's somehow catchy. Every time I hear Yoko going "War Is Over," I get it stuck in my head for the next five hours. Over....and over....and over. I'm still waiting for Robert Smigel to make an SNL cartoon where Yoko, Courtney Love, Tom Arnold and Kevin Federline team up and form the "Moochers League of America." Maybe I should make that cartoon.....

#2 "SANTA BABY"
The problem with "Santa Baby" is that it has to be sung by a woman with a grating voice. I don't know who was first responsible for it, but it's just obnoxious.

And the WORST OFFENDER.....
#1 "THE CHRISTMAS SHOES"

AWFUL! AWFUL! AWFUL!

The newest and absolute WORST entry in the Christmas Song Collection. I can't stand it and I won't put up with it. If it comes on the radio, the radio goes OFF. If it comes on the supermarket PA system, I blow up the supermarket. No one is going to subject me to this wretched thing without a fight.

See, when you're making something Christmassy, what usually works is keeping the sentimentality subtle. This wasn't the approach when they were making "The Christmas Shoes. They were setting out to smash the audience with an emotional anvil so deadly, you'd have to be a cheerleader in Texas to have any hope of survival. "Okay, his mother's dying. No, we have to make it worse! Okay, she's dying AND they're dirt poor! NO! WORSE! They're so poor they can't even afford a lousy pair of shoes from K-Mart! And the kid is at the counter, crying because he sweetly and naively thinks she needs nice shoes to get into Heaven! Hoooo, terrible! Now we got a winner!"

As Christmas carols go, this isn't the one you'd pick to sing at your neighbor's door. It's not exactly "jolly." Many people can't make it through this song; some even break down crying whenever they hear it begin. This is a problem for all of society.

"Billy, you stay close to me and don't wander off....oh no, it's that song again....sniff, I never make it through this....OH IT'S SO SAD! BWAAAAHH HAA HAAAA!! Okay, it's over....wait, where'd my son go?"

"All right, this next part of the heart surgery is very delicate, so we have to be very fast and precise once we open this valve.....oh, The Christmas Shoes is coming on the hospital music speakers! Oh no, this always makes me cry! BWAAAAHH HA HA HA HAAAHHH!! ....Oops, I hope his family doesn't sue."

"The Christmas Shoes" is a threat to our health and safety, and the only solution is a nationwide ban. Join me in the struggle, and together, we can make a difference.

Now that I've given my top 5, you tell me yours. Chime in on the message board, and if you don't have an account, make one....and you do that by first clicking the "Register" button in the left corner of the box near the top, then answering the questions.

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