Bohemia Visual Music

I recently made the US government-mandated switch to digital over-the-air television, thanks to a credit-card-like coupon they sent me. As someone who has never possessed modern cable or sattelite, the blast of crisp sound and lack of analog snow was like living that famous Maxell ad with the guy in the recliner. Now it sounds like Sylar is really ripping open people's heads in the room with me.

But lobotomies were only part of the experience. The biggest and most pleasing surprise came when I browsed through all my new channels and digital subchannels, and discovered between the Home Shopping Network and a perpetual test pattern....KORS 16.2, Bohemia Visual Music.

Boy, was I ever ecstatic -- a longtime dream had just come true. I love music videos, but they don't devote channels to them anymore. Searching for them on TooYube isn't the same. I finally had my random musical art generator and I was thorougly enraptured. Even if the channel had its share of lame-o hip-hop 'n rap videos that all looked and sounded the same, there was plenty of good stuff too. I left it on all day and recorded much of it to DVD.

The next day I planned to do the same, but noticed the current video was one I'd already seen. Then I noticed the one following it was the exact same one that had followed it yesterday. Eeep.

I hoped beyond hope that this was just a weird glitch in their computer database that would be fixed the next day, and that Bohemia did not REALLY consist of a cheap Groundhog Day schedule, but the same videos greeted me the day after. It was too good to be true and my high came crashing down.

After more viewings than the average person would commit to, I've confirmed all I can know. The entire programming lineup of Bohemia Visual Music, as it is while I'm writing this, is 1 and 1/6 days' worth of material: one 24-hour block with "KORS 16.2" permanently burned into the upper right, and one four-hour block that begins with Alice in Chains and ends with a Slayer concert. The 24-hour block is in faux widescreen and every video is squished (since it doesn't adjust for widescreen TVs, this is pointless). The 4-hour block is fullscreen. On any given day you will randomly either get the 24-hour block, or the four-hour block repeated over and over.

I fired off an E-mail to the head of the "network" asking just what was going on, and offered him a chance to defend himself before I wrote a merciless piece like this. He replied with the explanation, "The station is just getting started. We are just as of today adding more segments to our server." That was over a week ago and I still haven't seen anything new. As for just getting started, Bohemia has been broadcasting in this area for two years now, and if the above schedule taken from their website is any indication, they've been running that 24-hour block every day since April 2007. Before this, they were broadcasting in Arizona and California. And before that, they were a syndicated music video program ("Bohemia Afterdark") that appeared in 22 areas nationwide, as well as KPDX, KWBP and KOIN in different time periods. Bohemia Afterdark alone had over 200 episodes. This all adds up to plenty of time to figure out how to make videos play on a TV screen.

I also said "hey, if you operate from Portland, and your channel is repetitive because you're understaffed, I can help out. It's not like I have anything better to do -- have you seen my website?" There was no response to that.

How long can they stay in business? How much money can this make? I counted five different ads in all, from the usual low-budget suspects like Blue Hippo and PeoplePC. I don't think they'll be getting any new income in, because their "Advertise on Bohemia" promotion still lists their Arizona phone number.

I'm calling it now: Bohemia Visual Music is a front, and what they're really doing in there is selling babies. This is to say nothing of the channel's typos.

I can't help but feel let down, yet somehow an unsilencable part of me is elated. This is like discovering KEBN all over again. New local channels don't happen often, and new WEIRD ones are rarer still. The best part is, unlike KEBN, this one's happening right this minute, and you can join in the weirdness with me. If you live in the Portland area and can receive digital over-the-air stations, you can check out everything you'll read about today. Remember, it's channel 16.2. And don't buy their babies.

The four-hour block is half-rap, half-rock. The 24-hour block is what's indicated from their schedule, except "The Leddg" is actually called "The Ledge" and is hosted by a veejay who calls himself Cool Nuts (yup). Two ancient Bohemia Afterdark episodes are included towards the evening.

A skeleton animated by stop-motioner Webster Colcord is flipping through the channels on his TV, each station broadcasting nothing but a single word like "Buy" or "Obey." When he gets to "Bohemia Afterdark," the TV grows tree branches for legs and walks off its stand.

By the way, I know the name of the guy who made the intro because Bohemia has his short film "Mad Doctors of Borneo", which stars the skeleton, running earlier in the 24-hour block.

That is either another wrong number or it should be. They'll be showing the same exact episode tomorrow, so even if you could get through to that line, your requests would be ignored. A more up-to-date request line is mentioned earlier in the day, but the area code is listed as "603" instead of "503."

The Afterdark rerun even still has the local ads in it that ran in 1993, and since it originally broadcast around 1 am, there's an ad for an adult video store in it. The credits rudely scrolled over the end of the last song, from some rappers calling themselves "Juice with Soul."

Afterdark is followed by complete concert footage of Peter Tosh, the same Slayer concert, and some freaky death metal guys by the hardcore name of "Skinny Puppy."

I haven't gotten to the single most bizarre part of Bohemia Visual Music, and it may be the single most bizarre part of any television channel in local history. I'm not kidding around. There's weird, and then there's seismically epic, cats-die-from-looking-at-it weird. Ladies and gentlemen, what comes next is known as "BRAIN FOLLIES."

It's even more confusing than what it looks like. It's mostly a bunch of psychedelic images created with video editing, set to ghastly sound effects. FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR. It's as random as possible; in the middle is a show called "Cook'n" where a man calling himself "Tape Loops" instructs the audience on how to make ground beef wrapped in toast. There is also a 1984 schoolboy's report on Halley's Comet read aloud, and gibberish projected on a man's face for four whole minutes.

Promotions for Brain Follies claim it runs every day at 3 AM, but it can appear at any time of the day due to the randomness of the channel in general. Only one episode exists and it's the same one they play every time. This show should get into the Guinness Book of Records, because I don't see anyone out-weirding it for a long time. Why does this exist? Why would anyone spend weeks or possible months creating it? Why is Bohemia showing it? And who or what is "SMEGMA"?

This word appears again all the way back in the credits of Bohemia's 1993 recording, so it might be a clue as to who's responsible for this thing. Through some amateur sleuthing, I traced it to Smegma Studios, a video production company specializing in "experimental television." The man in charge is Mike Lastra. This has to be our guy.

Lastra was contacted but couldn't deliver a comment or an explanation by the time I had to publish this. I also Googled the word "smegma." ....I don't recommend you do that.

In closing, I remain hopeful that eventually Bohemia is going to get its act together and become the actual video station I've been craving for years and want it to be. But we're not finished yet. Veterans of Platypuscomix.net know that when I usually talk about music videos, I show you some. Out of everything Bohemia has to offer, here are my.....

This song came from the Bohemia Afterdark repeat, dating it to 1993 at the earliest. I have nary a clue who Urge Overkill is, but they dress weirdly even for '93 (see the video itself, not the left screenshot which appears to have been filmed separately from the music video shoot). But they made a catchy song and a catchy video you can really boogie privately in your underpants to. My only gripe is that I wanted more of the girl with the maracas.

Just so you know, I've never heard of "Capitalism Stole My Virginity" before. This is just in case I get E-mails telling me "Are you kidding? That was the most popular song of 1995! It carries a powerful message, like how capitalism steals people's virginities!" I don't know what it's really saying. I just like the go-go dancers and the "ger-durng, ga-durng, gurnga-ba-durngggg" guitar riff.

Even if there was a modern-day effort from a major entertainment conglomerate to launch a proper widespread music video TV channel, this is one of the vids they'd skip. You'll only see this stuff on Bohemia, folks! The reason being it's an extremely dated song about how the lead singer is secretly married to flashette-in-the-panette Debbie Gibson, and how she gave birth to his hideous hairy two-headed baby. Mr. Nixon also meets Rick Astley, pulls down his pants, punches him in the face seven times and throws him in a circle. This would have made my list for that alone.

Bohemia played several Blondie videos in a row, including some songs I'd never heard before. Of those, "Hanging on the Telephone" is my new favorite. Most of the Blondie stuff I've heard with indifference, but this one's Pat Benatar-ish and it works for me. I think there's a missing first minute, though. It cuts in on the chorus and is rather short.

Guess what? Debbie Harry is now in her 60's. ....That was mean, but the truth hurts sometimes.

This is just so random I had to stick it here whether it was good or not. When I say Bohemia's library is diverse, I mean so diverse that they would run what appears to be a children's song by a scary-looking mohawk man with bad teeth and a Cockney accent, filmed with a 1980's home video camcorder. This appears TWICE in Bohemia's 24-hour block.

Moog synthesizers were some of the earliest electronic music instruments available; one was used to create the famous PBS tones. The more picky among you might object to their unorthodox attire, but let's face it...if you're going to strap one of those giant, heavy Moogs to your chest and play a song, you'll look much BETTER if you put on a shiny foil suit and a space helmet. Feel free to hold up a cigarette lighter flame for these guys after they're finished.

Pearl Jam's "Spin the Black Circle" is nothing but footage of a turntable playing a vinyl version of the song. That's IT. Nothing else appears -- the camera stays fixed on the record for the entire three minutes.

If that doesn't sum up Bohemia in a nutshell, I don't know what else will.