THE FOURTH STAR WARS PREQUEL
You have previously, erroneously been told there are only three bad Star Wars prequels. Not so....
|Every other episode of the "Ewoks" cartoon ignored the rest of the Star Wars universe except for one....the very last one made. "BATTLE FOR THE SUNSTAR!!" Things like Star Destroyers and Stormtroopers just didn't happen on this show--in fact, when I first saw it at the age of 4, I thought "Ewoks" was a Smurfs ripoff. Well, everything was a Smurfs ripoff in 1986, including this...but let's take a closer look.|
It indeed DOES open like a Star Wars movie is supposed to--the title displays out in space, then they pan down to a planet, and then a huge honkin' ship flies in front of it. Of course, anyone who's a fan of "Batman: The Animated Series" has a more pressing question to ask right now: "WHAT IS THE NAME OF PAUL DINI DOING ON THIS THING??" Before he gained respect and prestige as a Batman writer, Paul had to eat by writing Ewoks episodes (he wrote half of them). I'm just serving the cold hard truth.
The view goes inside the Star Destroyer and to the evil green head of Dr. Ragar, who's dragged the ship all the way to the forest moon of Endor because he believes a powerful stone resides there....the SUNSTAR. He also believes it hasn't been found yet because it's being guarded by a race of furry tribesbears who call themselves Ewoks. The Spock-looking commander doubts this entire story, but he's going to let Ragar travel down to Endor's moon and look for the thing to shut him up once and for all.
But Dr. Ragar is right about everything, even the Sunstar part--the Ewoks had to guard that stone off and on throughout the series. Meaning if this show can be trusted as Star Wars continuity, then Episode VI could have been a lot easier than it was for everyone. Think about it--if Luke hadn't made the Ewoks think C-3P0 was a god, they might have said "You need extra power? We have this stone we use--we'll let you borrow it!" But HA, they had to do it the hard way.
If we're going to consider THIS Star Wars continuity, though, then we might as well start debating where Darth Tater fits into it.
Wicket is the dark brown one and
the star of the show, because he was the first Ewok ever shown in
the movie--he was the one that found Leia and led everybody to
the village. The lavender female is Princess Kneesaa, who never
appeared in the movie (heck, none of these other guys did
specifically). The Ewok who just tripped is
the wannabe magician who never does anything right, just like the
wannabe Smurf magician who never did anything right. You'll see
By the way, the creators of the show really went all-out illustrating Endor's moon as a separate world and ecosystem. This is what the Ewoks are saying as they climb up the tree, verbatim:
"I *oof* don't see why WE
have to be the ones to carry the Ding-Dang Berries up to the
Gooba Birds' nest!"
"Come on, Latara! You know it hardly rains up there, and without the Ding-Dang Berries, the baby Goobas might starve!"
The Goobas rush for the food and start pecking at it so furiously that they grab Kneesaa instead and pull her high above the nest, but it could have been worse. If this were Earth, Kneesaa would have had to regurgitate those berries.
Kneesaa lands on top of everybody
else and they all plummet off the tree, landing in a bush 6,000
feet below. A very cushiony bush apparently, but like I said,
this isn't Earth.
"Teebo, quit yowling!"
"I'm not yowling."
"Then who is?"
"It's a poor little Terkle!
What's that thing he's caught in?" A Terkle is kind of like
a deer, except it's not.
Everyone tries their best to pull the dome off the trap, but it's on too tight.
"Whoo, I need to get a better grip!" Teebo states, and starts doing all sorts of stretching exercises while grunting.
In the process he butt-bumps
Latara, who lands right next to the hose, and gets sucked up
inside the dome with the Terkle.
"Hmm! This is a case for MAGIC, not MUSCLE!" Teebo concludes, and brings out a potion from his bag. He has no idea what it's going to do, but you likely know enough about his character by now to tell he's going to try it anyway.
The potion is sucked through the hose and immediately activates, creating a ton of rainbow smoke. Being Republican, Latara is terrified of rainbows. She screams her head off, and I was hoping the potion was going to merge their bodies and make Latara an Ewok-Deer or something, but it just made the dome burst open and send them both flying.
"Well, glad THAT'S over!" Teebo dusts himself off, walks in one direction....and is immediately seized by a gigantic robot.
Kneesaa tries to help, but she's immobilized by the robot's laser and captured too. Enter Ragar!
This scene is par for the
"Ha ha ha ha haaa! Tell me where your Ewok Village is, or I will destroy your friends!"
"Very well!!" Ragar makes the robot squeeze harder and the Ewoks yell louder.
"STOP!! Okay....it's that way!"
"Excellent. Take them all to the ship and make sure they don't escape!!"
The Ewoks are thrown into a cell with a force-field door. Teebo lands on top of the ladies and comments on how cool that is, but it doesn't get him very far. It seems all is lost.....
...until a small droid comes beeping through to feed the prisoners. His name is PT-30 and he's tired of serving under the Empire, and wants to help them get off the ship to warn the village.
"Ee-chiwawa! That's great!" says Wicket.
The droid tries to find a clear escape path for the Ewoks to follow, but it isn't easy. "THIS WAY!" he whispers, but when he sees a guard robot just around the corner, he steps back and smashes the line. "NEVER MIND, CAN'T GO THAT WAY!!"
"Oh, Kvark," Wicket mutters, which is how Ewoks swear.
"KVARK? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" says the robot, and Wicket is put into the embarrassing position of trying to explain what a swear word means literally.
"Um.....you know, Kvark," is all he ends up saying. Nice save, fuzzy.
"Quick, through here!"
says PT-30, who's found a door into another area. They all
follow, but find that it's another dead end.
"Great, what do we do NOW?" gripes Latara. She decides to sit on the weird-looking bench with all the lights and buttons, only to discover it was the control module for a detatchable space pod, which they're currently inside and she just activated with her rump.
The ship blasts through the forest out of control, and the Ewoks have no knowledge on how to steer it. The droid points out where the steering wheel is and what it does, but Wicket finds it hard to get a feel for. Meanwhile, a Korean animator gets bored and decides to have some fun with Latara's face.
The ship crashes through all sorts of creature habitats, including the home field for a bunch of mushroom trees that nearly drop their Fun Fruits when they see what's ahead.
Unfortunately, the war has already begun and the Ewoks won't get there in time. The Ewok warriors attempt their best assault, but can't put a single scratch on the high-tech battle robots with their flimsy pointy sticks.
"Face the power of the SUNSTAR!!" the ewok elder yells, and fries a couple robots with it. This, of course, is exactly what Ragar wanted him to do....
He gives the Elder a laser blast and captures the Sunstar. "The Emperor will be very pleased," he cackles before flying away.
Another pod arrives, and the Ewoks ready their pathetic sticks, but it turns out to be Wicket's pod. They explain what they heard was going to happen, only to be told that it already did. "I'm afraid the Sunstar is gone, Kneesaa....gone FOREVER!" the Ewok king says as they all dreadfully watch Ragar's pod speed into space.