THE RESULTS OF MY TRIP TO E3
During the 72 hours I spent at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, I learned many things about the future of gaming. I naturally headed to Nintendo's booth first.
MARIO MEETS THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
A smiling Japanese Nintendo representative ushered me into the area where this game was being displayed. "We consider this our best achievement of the year," he basically said. "It started out as an elevator conversation between the owner of Nick at Nite and Miyamoto, and it turned into the game you see here. Our newest thing is to reach out to other creative teams, and this is our best result of that. We're very enthusiastic about this title. Even at 20% completion you can see the work we put into it." Indeed, the General Lee has never looked shinier, although I found Peach in that Daisy getup to be very disturbing. "Take-a that, Boss Hogg!" and "Mama Mia, Rat Lasagna!" are two of the many voice samples. "Only Nintendo could come up with such an idea, which was made by people from Nintendo and tested on focus groups that always agreed with Nintendo and is a gift from heaven, which is a subsidiary of Nintendo." He then went on to say the game was guaranteed to sell the numbers Wind Waker raked in. I thanked the Japanese representative for his time before I found a stick and beat him to death.
I then moseyed over to Sony's booth.
DEFENSE TEAM: THE FOGGY MISSIONS
Another Japanese man introduced me to Sony's newest online title. In it, you're this soldier guy, I guess. You walk around with other soldier guys and shoot stuff. And sometimes there are other soldiers who can shoot you back, so that adds challenge. Every color in the entire game is either a shade of gray or green, and it's always cloudy no matter where I go. It felt like every other game in the entire world, so I knew it would sell. And, umm...I guess that's all you can really say about it. Without a doubt...THIS WAS THEEEE GAME OF E3.
I wasn't going to go over to the X-Box booth, but I found myself there anyway.
This was fantastic! The graphics, the gameplay, the action--everything just jumped out at me!
It was the best video I ever saw. I wonder what the game will be like. Maybe I'll find out next year.
AYIAYAIAYEEE THE MANIC HOMICIDAL HAMSTER
This mascot platformer was so full of 'tude, there was a bouncer standing by the game kiosk whose job was to throw the riffraff away from looking at it. AYIAYAIAYEEE does many extreme, outrageous things while yelling snappy one-liners like, "BITE ME!!" and "WHOOMP! HERE I AM!! YOW!!" His main weapon is a bucket of his own pee, which he throws on politicians walking around the landscape. I can only dream of being as cool as this furry rodent.
Finally, I saw a really interesting game where this girl in a bikini wrestles ten midgets while this rapper guy spits out an unintelligible gangsta croon and lights flash everywhere.
No, wait...that was actually Acclaim's booth. I think I'm getting dazed now...I gotta lie down.