The Last Day

At the time Kids WB expired -- May 17, 2008 -- I hadn't paid much attention to it in years. Today's kid-toons lack the punch and hilarity of the older ones. You might say that's irrational old-man nostalgia speaking, but look at the overwhelming support in favor of live-action these days and judge for yourself. I think today's kids are with me on this one. Their cartoons R lame.

Nothing lasts forever (except for things that really suck, like taxes and hurricanes). What is created must return to dust, and compared to every other children's block attempted in the last 20 years, Kids WB was a centenarian. Fox Kids lasted ten years, The Disney Afternoon eight, One Saturday Morning four. Kids WB clung to life for THIRTEEN years. It's an incredible feat when you consider the reason a block cannot hold the interest of children for long: they grow up and new children replace them, who want something different. The Disney Channel may be high and mighty NOW, but just wait. Their slice of humble pie is inevitable.

One thing I've observed about these blocks is that whenever they're on the verge of expiring, they put out the strangest stuff. Fox Kids's last offering was "Mon Colie Knights," some kind of twisted, loud, confusing Pokemon ripoff where two munchkins named "Mondo" and "Rockna" ventured into Mon-World to keep the peace every episode. "Mon Colie Knights" was last seen at around 4 AM on Toon Disney in 2007. If I could have taped it, I would have. I like good cartoons, but I'm also amused by those that are so bad they were a colossal waste of investors' time.

I have my limits, however.

I didn't have high hopes for the final day's first offering, Will and Dewitt, to begin with: the fact that it's on this early means the network wants to do as much as they can to hide it. This also usually means the show is educational. This show's name is pronounced "Will and Do It," as in...."the will to do it," and I'm serious because the theme song repeats this. These days, all you have to do is put some vague self-esteem-boosting message into a series and the E/I brand is yours. Most producers go for this technique now, even those working for PBS. I haven't seen a TRULY educational program exist in a long time.

Today's episode is "The Long March." Will rushes onscreen and says he's late for something and his mom is hot and she says she won't take him until she finishes feeding his sister. "But we have to go NOW!" he insists, and then asks if he can walk there himself.

His hot mom gives in. She throws a heavy coat on him, sticks a Go-Gurt into his pocket, drenches his face in bug spray, gives him an umbrella as an anti-child-predator weapon and says, "You can never be too prepared!" Then the screen wipes to the next scene, where Will is packing even more junk into a large backpack and singing about the importance of being prepared for stuff. Keep in mind: he's going to walk less than the length of a block. This is true. What kind of twisted overprotective lesson is this?

So Will and Dewitt start walking, and they walk into a jungle (I'm assuming it's an imaginary one, but the show never indicates this). After a long hike of a few centimeters, they stop to rest and eat snacks--"Fruit Gooies," little colored pieces of coiled dog poo. "We shouldn't leave these out for long; they might attract ants!" says Dewitt. Before you think that was a lesson, a FIFTY-FOOT ant comes charging through the bushes and TALKS to them: "ALL ANTS LOVE FRUIT GOOIES! HAHAHAHAHA!"

They run from the ants and fall off a hill into a pile of mud, which turns out to be quicksand. Dewitt asks a passing alligator for help, but the gator starts setting down plates and silverware, which isn't a good sign. They have a long conversation with the gator, trying to convince him their Fruit Dog Poo is better-tasting than they are (and meanwhile they've quit sinking, but neither seems to notice). They get away (the details are too boring to type) but the alligator is chasing them.

While running for his life, Dewitt loudly throws in that alligators can run at speeds up to thirty miles an hour. The pair reach another cliche--a rickety bridge. Naturally that breaks, but thanks to Will's hot mother's umbrella, they float down safe and sound. Remember, kids, all umbrellas double as parachutes.

There's a river below, but Dewitt turns himself into a raft (what? I dunno, does it really matter?) That solves things for about three seconds before they run into Cliche #3--a waterfall. Falling off seems to hurt neither of them, but now they realize they're lost. "There's only one thing left to do--we'll just have to go back the way we came!" sighs Will. But.....if Will knows the way he came, then he's NOT LOST YET. Ow, my head.

Dewitt says to Will, "No way, man! We've come all this way, and did so well preparing ourselves, we have to have the WILL to DO IT!!" Full of renewed confidence, Will continues his forward trek--and eventually reaches his goal, the backyard next door. In only eight hours!

If that wasn't enough excitement for you, there's a second Will and Dewitt: "Small Potatoes." Will runs afoul of a gang of sadistic criminals, who viciously torture him and blast his limbs off while laughing maniacally. Will blacks out, but wakes up to discover the government has chosen him for a special experiment and replaced his severely damaged organs with robotic weapons. He'll now be joining the police force as part man, part robot, ALL COP. Or basically their Kill Everything Guy. He then spends the rest of the cartoon in violent shootouts with bad guys while trying to hold onto the bits of humanity he has left. From this, I learned to share.

I haven't been around many little kids lately, and I haven't seen many preschool programs, so perhaps the shock would have been less if I had...but....I'll say what's on my mind anyway. Whoever made this should serve time. God forbid I ever find myself in a situation where a child's healthy development depends on me, but at least I'd know never to show them this. Garbage in, garbage out. I grew up around a lot of creative and funny influences. If you surround yourself with bad material, you'll WRITE bad material. The watchers of Will and Dewitt today are the gross-out frat-boy comedy producers of tomorrow.

The first cartoon to air on Kids WB's first morning was Animaniacs. The first cartoon to air on Kids WB's last morning was THIS. I think I'm gonna cry.

Next up was Magi Nation. I already knew this show existed, but I don't know why. Or rather, why it's existing NOW instead of in 1999. Magi Nation was a video game/card game/you know the drill, and was most known for its excellent Game Boy Color game--but the brand didn't catch on as well as they'd hoped, and the TV series never happened. Until suddenly now, nine years later, for some reason.

The production values seem rather high on this one. Are they really expecting to rejuvenate a forgotten franchise that didn't work the first time at 7:30 in the morning, next to Will and Dewitt? Talk about an odd pairing. But then again....

Oh No they don't.

Today's adventure begins with our three heroes floating through a dank cavern on a mushroom attached to a crude boat in midair.
"How's Strag holding up?" says the kid with the black hair.
"I'm not sure. How would you feel if your former best friend turned into a Shadow Magi?" says the female who badly needs a haircut.
"I don't think she's here; I think she doubled back on us! Strag, the place where the underneath Dreamstone is hidden?"
"Kairopterus Lair? Few Magi know its exact location."
"But Inara does! Why?"
"Like all Shadow Magi, she has scoured her own realm looking for the Dreamstone to give to Agrim. She must have discovered Kairopterus Lair during her travels!"
"But she didn't know the Dreamstone was there for certain....until she heard the Pillar Hiren tell us!"

Uhhhhhhh......I think I walked in too late.

Inara comes up from behind them for an ambush. "SHADOW TROKOVO, PIERCING GAZE!" The thing she's riding shoots a beam from its eyes. The mushroom starts losing altitude! The black-haired boy pulls out a glowing stone and shouts "BLAH BLAH BLAH INCOMPREHENSIBLE BLAH BLAH BLAH!!" A big furry thing appears in a flash of light! "Let the FUR FLY!" the thing boldly pronounces. It shoots an energy blast from its forehead and Inara retreats.

"CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, STRAG! BUT YOU PROBABLY CAN'T!" Inara taunts as she leaves. "You probably CAN'T! You probably CAN'T! You probably CAN'T!" echoes in Strag's mind as he goes into a flashback sequence. His flashback lasts ten seconds and consists of a smaller version of him and Inara standing still facing each other and laughing with joy. "Hahahaha! Hahahaha!" But there's no time to establish the obvious--Orangehead wakes him up and says, "We have a problem!" They're heading for some spiked plants!

You probably have a weird name for those too, don't you, guys? Sure enough, Strag shouts "SNAPPER-OATS!" and tries his best to avoid them, but unlike most plants, they can move and slap the mushship around. "HAHAHAHA!" laughs Inara. The solution to this is to pull another glowing stone out and yell something that conjures a monster. In fact, this is the solution to everything that happens in this cave from this point on, and unlike Pokemon, these guys are as disposable as can be--they all follow the same formula of appearing, saying something they think is clever but really isn't, saving the kids, and then disappearing. The creature who saves them from the plants says "How do ya like that? I'M the boss 'a YOU!" Get it? Because I don't.

Doesn't this one look familiar? It's only natural that this should be mimicking Pokemon, as it originally hit the market when Pokemon was white-hot. His quip is "WHOSE NOGGIN NEEDS KNOCKIN'??" Bulbasquirtle succeeds in stopping Inara, but a little too well. She plummets toward the ground, but is rescued by the mushship, which is holding up well considering the holes that she put into it in the previous scenes.
"I can't believe you rescued me!"
"Hey, everyone deserves a second chance!"
"Yes, a second chance....TO KNOCK YOU DOWN!!" Darn it, she's still evil!

She throws a small cube with the letter S written on it, which blows a bigger hole in the ship, then escapes on her blue thing. That does the ship in for good, but the heroes survive by--how else--summoning a giant orange manatee that puffs up like a balloon.

They follow Inara's footprints to the lair they mentioned earlier in the show. Inara is there, and not too happy about seeing them still around. Just as they're about to butt heads, she accidentally activates a booby trap and the ceiling starts raining sharp rocks. They stop this by figuring out that all the statues in the room are hollow and have to be hit in a certain order to make the tune that some bats were humming earlier. A secret entrance opens and Inara rushes down it, followed by the gang. But they're almost too late, as Inara is about to touch the Dreamstone!

Time for a Deux Ex Machina! "YOU SPEAK TOO SOON!" shouts a disembodied voice. The platform the Dreamstone is on sinks into the ground, and a big pink bat rises in its place! "THE DREAMSTONE MUST BE EARNED! I WILL ONLY OFFER IT TO THE STRONGEST WARRIOR FROM THE UNDERNEATH!"
"I gues Pyruffo wants us to stick to cheerleading!" says the black-haired kid in his strangest statement yet.

Some roots rise and form an enclosure around Strag and Inara. Inara brings out a creature with spots, and Strag counters with the Bulbasquirtle again, who actually says "NOGGIN KNOCKIN' IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD!" The show plagiarizes a typical Pokemon battle, then Strag throws something metal into the middle of the ring that starts shooting out white energy circles around Inara. Orangehead explains that "if the Obedience Relic is used on a Shadow Magi, it'll extract all their void energy! But it's too risky! If she refuses, the Relic will turn Strag into a Shadow Magi as well!" ...Oh, so THAT'S what's going on!

Inara refuses and the circles start shooting around Strag instead and start making him look evil! "Help meee!" he cries out, and his cries for help make Inara have a flashback of her own to when they were friends. She accepts the Relic and stops being evil and her red hair turns blue. Then a talking bathtub appears and says "We must aerate the Power Noodles, Patrick!" Then everyone dances the Funky Chicken until the sun turns into cheese and Gene Simmons discovers his secret power to fly.

A lot of adults said Pokemon was confusing, but it really wasn't. Perhaps it was more complicated than The Smurfs, but it wasn't that hard to understand. Whoever's in charge of the Magi Nation show thought Pokemon was popular because it didn't make sense, and set out to make a show that was confusing on PURPOSE. Now I know why it's stuck at 7:30. And that E/I mark? I have no idea. They do mention bats see through sound waves, but on a show where all the rules are made up, kids might think they fibbed about that too.

Now here's Skunk Fu. This is the one I keep hearing about whenever cranky people congregate on a message board to complain about Kids WB. I think it just gets free word of mouth because it's about a karate-kicking skunk, and boy howdy, how do you get worse than that? But I don't think most of the people keyboard-kvetching about Skunk Fu have even seen it. A premise alone doesn't tell you everything. If all you knew about Foster's was that it was about a bunch of imaginary friends, would you want to watch that?

I'm not suggesting Skunk Fu is good. I'm just making a point.

Is his name actually Skunk Fu? I don't know, but his pig friend's name is Pig. It didn't take me long to guess what Pig was all about--he's the dumb one. Maybe a little too dumb.
"Daaaa, okay! I dare you to...count to one!"
" I dare YOU to....CLIMB TO THE TOP OF DEVIL'S PEAK! Nah, I'm just kidding, Panda says that area's off-limits!"
It's too late, though, Pig is already off and Skunk has to chase him. So his sensei's name is Panda....they could be clever and make Panda a yellow-bellied sapsucker or something, but they probably didn't.

"Phew! Glad I caught you before you got to the top of Devil's Peak!" says Skunk--then the camera pulls back to reveal that's exactly where they are. This did get a chuckle out of me, I'll admit.

The top breaks off and they fall onto a cliff overlooking a top-secret base full of ninja monkeys, whose names are most likely all "Monkey." "Now I know why Panda said not to come here!" Skunk says nervously. Pig's dumbness comes into play again and he falls off the cliff, where he lies unconscious surrounded by the enemy!

"Oh no, I'll be in huge trouble if Panda finds out about this!" frets Skunk. He'll just have to get some other help, and hope Kids WB can still afford a Standards and Practices Division so Pig isn't slaughtered. He turns to a mantis named Mantis and a rabbit whose name is either Rabbit, Bunny or Hare. The rabbit's up to the challenge and agrees to help Skunk.

Meanwhile, the fall caused Pig to develop amnesia, and he now thinks he's a Ninja Monkey. When Skunk's posse comes to retrieve him, he fights back and snout-butts them across the area. Skunk reasons that if a bump on the head made Pig believe he's a monkey, another whack will make him think he's a pig again.

Causing Bump #2 is easier said than done. Somehow, despite his obvious intelligence impairment, Pig has become a master ninja. He never turns into a thousand clones or a naked lady, but he can still dish out some real faux-Japanese punishment. Frantically dodging his blows, Skunk tries to get Pig to remember who he is by challenging him to another dare. "Remember what we used to do, Pig? I dare you to...recite poetry!"
"What? That's ridiculous! Monkeys don't talk!" Pig says.
"Well, uh, I dare you to...JUMP REAL HIGH!"
"Ah! Monkeys can do that!"

The bump restores Pig to his dim self, but it's not over yet--they have to evade the Ninja Monkeys and escape. Pig attempts to communicate with them by speaking monkey, with subtitles:

"The cookies are overcooked my Kids WB Logo!" he says. While they're trying to figure that one out, the gang beats a path away. The ending consists of this:
"I'm glad that's over!"
"Me too. Okay, next game: first one home wins!"
"Wait up!"
Kind of abrupt, isn't it?

Skunk Fu reminds me a lot of all those CGI films about talking animals that aren't done by Pixar. The potential for humor is there, but the jokes just aren't connecting. If you want to watch Bee Movie every week, then Skunk Fu is your show...but it's not mine.

From here, the shows start getting better. Up to this point every single thing has been a Canadian import animated with cheap Flash shortcuts. On its last day, the WB initials barely meant anything anymore. This is the only 'toon left in the lineup that bears the WB shield before it begins, and to be honest I'm surprised they still make something. Warners' animation division, once synonymous with the company itself, has once again shrunk to the miniscule size it was in the 70's and 80's. In fact, TimeWarner as a whole has been imploding for the last few years (ask Jeff Harris for more details; he could go on all day about this).

Tom and Jerry Tales actually bears the quality I've come NOT to expect from Kids WB. When you watch this, you don't get badly-drawn superheroes who are the descendants of Tom and Jerry, or Tom and Jerry as babies, or Jerry wearing a bow tie and becoming friends with get TOM AND JERRY, and all that classically implies. All the fluid animation, quick timing and wanton violence and destruction are untouched. They don't talk, either.

The only bad thing about this version is that the music score is very obviously synth trying to mimic an orchestra, and the sound makes me cringe. But otherwise, this is a rare example of someone using computers to make a cartoon better instead of merely taking advantage of all the shortcuts. Look at how beautiful some of these background paintings are. That's the nice thing about our modern age--anyone can have an unlimited color palette at a fraction of the former cost and mess. No one seems to really use it (outside of Japan), though.

As for the stories? One clever cartoon entitled "Game of Mouse and Cat" has Jerry as the adored pampered mouse of the house and Tom as the intruding pest. An alley cat outside remarks to Tom, "Doesn't this whole setup seem a little off to you?" Tom shakes his head. "Yeah, me neither, I'm just making conversation." The short after this one has Jerry saddled with taking care of a baby mouse, who wanders off into Tom's territory. Just when you think you've predicted the rest of the cartoon, the doorbell rings and TOM is suddenly stuck babysitting a baby CAT. A rather large one.

One nitpick: if this is a MAN-eating plant, why did it eat a cat?

As for The Spectacular Spider-Man? Haven't you heard about it yet? It's heaven on a stick. Only nine episodes have aired as of this writing, but so far, it's the best Spider-Man cartoon series ever created. This is what gave me a reason to watch Kids WB again, but unfortunately Kids WB did not exist for long.

You know the problem here? Writing about shows I LIKE is less funny then writing about shows I HATE. So instead of discussing today's Spider-Man episode, let's take an interlude and discuss some of Kids WB's final commercials. If you want to know what happened with Spider-Man, watch the show. You should've been doing that anyway.

Skechers still gets the Being Weird award. At Skechers Amusement Park an innocent group of teenagers are on a rollercoaster headed for a break in the track! A girl below sees the imminent catastrophe, puts on her Skechers, says "This looks like a job for ELASTICA!" and transforms into a superheroine with rubber shoelaces coming out of her hair. She starts beating up internet emoticons with legs, as they were the ones breaking up the rollercoaster. No, it's exactly as I'm describing. Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my one screenshot on the singing bear in the tub.

The award for Most Repetitive Appearance goes to Nintendo for putting this ad for the new Pokemon Mystery Dungeon DS game into every break of every show this morning. For the first day I gave this award to Flower Magic Mary, and that's the kind of product you don't see anymore. I thought sugary baby dolls were the kind of thing that was timeless, and would always sell no matter what decade it was. But now it's been years since I've seen a single baby doll on TV. I've heard it argued that today's hyperaccelerated girls blossom at age seven and have better odds being stuck with a REAL child. Those stupid Bratz have destroyed America.

Gone, too, are most traces of junk food commercials. Around springtime we used to get hocked popsicles and candy galore, but not anymore. The only fast food company who made their presence known this morning was Subway. Lucky the Leprechaun's rainbow magic was no match for the angry parents that finally subdued him, and the Trix Rabbit has apparently learned to control himself and found another interest.

I was VERY shocked to see Fruity Pebbles alive and kicking. Not only will today's overprotective moms forbid any cereal with a bright-colored box and a cartoon character mascot, but how's a kid today supposed to know who the Flintstones are? It was on syndication all the time when I was growing up, but syndication is the domain of trailer-trash-targeted-talk-shows now, not 60's repeats. Alas, Barney has finally given up tricking Fred out of his cereal. The way characters are worked into this ad is weird: a boy and a girl sit down at a table, eat Fruity Pebbles, and then the girl unzips her head to reveal she's turned INTO Pebbles. Then the boy pulls a zipper on HIS head to reveal he's become Bamm-Bamm, and he takes his club and bamm-bamms the table in half. If this is what keeps the cereal alive, I'm not one to argue.

At least Apple Jacks still don't taste like apples, right? For a few years now, a stop-motion cinnamon stick has been outwitting a stop-motion apple, hammering home the idea that they're supposed to taste like cinnamon. I guess this is an improvement over how they sold it in the 90's. While those ads were hip and cynical, they were very lacking in a piece of vital information. If it doesn't taste like apples then what DOES it taste like? Pie? Cats?

Aww, Spider-Man's over, time to go back to the cheap Canadian stuff. I will, however, admit that I have watched World of Quest before. And I have to warn you -- it opens with one of the catchiest theme songs in all of television history. I'm serious; do NOT activate this video unless you want to keep catching yourself going "Oot oot oot oot oot oot oot!" for the next year.

So...remember Nester? Now he's back, with a new hairdo, and he's the prince of the land of Odyssia. This isn't as sweet a gig as it used to be now that the castle has fallen and his parents are missing. Good thing Nester has the surly, burly Quest to watch his back, albeit reluctantly.

Quest, who sounds exactly like Patrick Warburton yet somehow isn't, would like nothing better than to throw Nester down a ditch and go off somewhere else, but he's bound to help him via a spell of obedience. Quest actually doesn't care for most things, and usually expresses this by narrowing his brow, glaring as the camera closes up on his face in letterbox, and growling "______. I HATE _____."

You know what? This show actually works. It's not trying to sell you a card game, it's not trying to teach you any pro-social lessons, it doesn't contain any forced quotes like "NOGGIN KNOCKIN," and it doesn't take place in school with artwork stolen from Butch Hartman. The bratty Nester and the bitter, sarcastic Quest make a great odd couple. The humor comes from the characters' personalities and not from fart jokes (though there are plenty of fart one's perfect).

But they're not alone! I will now attempt to read this squished credits screen and tell you the names of the others in Quest's party:

(To those who are about to write Emails: Yes, I'm fully aware Nester's name is actually spelled "Nestor." It's pronounced the same way and I wanted to make a joke.)

First you have "Graer," and I couldn't tell what animal he was supposed to be until this week's episode identified him as a griffin. Anna (pronounced "On-uh") is a spunky sorceress who joined the team because she absolutely idolizes Quest. Quest, of course, hates all his fans and wasn't happy about that. Then there's Cyborg from Teen Titans, who had to find whatever work he could. Rounding out the team is something called "Way" that's some kind of sentient GPS, yet only talks in cryptic riddles.

This week's episode is "The Fall of Odyssia," and it's kind of false advertising because Odyssia doesn't fall anywhere in it. Our explorers mistakenly wander into a canyon known as the Cavern of Sorrow, which you can only leave by facing your worst memories. A strange green fog creeps into the area, and by breathing it the gang starts hallucinating one by one. Except for Quest, who was off doing something else and will catch up later.

Nester's bad memory comes from middle school, when he was getting harrassed by bullies. One particularly nasty one with bad teeth gives him a "Hertz Donut," then forces him to dress as Bo Peep. Nester retaliates by reporting him, and since he's a Royal Highness, the bully gets the maximum punishment. Several guards burst into his class, point at the bully and yell "YOU! BULLY! COME WITH US!"
"My name's BILLY."
"You're under arrest for Excessive Billying Without A Permit! Bullying! Whatever! Take him away!"
"A permit?? I didn't know!"
"And NOW you DO! Take Bully away!"

Later on, Nester is taking a stroll when he spies Billy shoveling hay. Billy whines, "How much longer?"
"Oh, I'd say about...twenty more years," answers the guard.
"But my parents get upset if I'm not home by seven!"
"Not to worry! THIS is your new home! Your parents have already found a new son!"
Hah, wow, that's pretty dark humor for a kiddie show.

Nester's struck with guilt. "NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" the current Nester weeps as he's stuck in the haze.

Graer's worst memory is of that time he pickpocketed the fool who was carrying jewels in his pocket for some reason. The theft is reported to the royal police, who start looking for the guilty one. Graer panicks when he sees the fuzz approaching and quickly hugs some guy, then stashes the jewels in his pocket. The next thing he knows, that guy has been forced into a career as a gladiator -- and he gets the news from his weeping son!

That doesn't look fair at all, and neither does the name of the tournament: "The Championship of Pain." What a barbaric age. A guilt-stricken Graer is about to confess, but then pictures himself in that uncomfortable position, and holds his tongue. He then has to watch the guy get pummelled. Yeesh. That's even darker than what Nester saw. I don't think I can forgive Flatulent Griffin for this one.

"Cyborg" relives the time he rescued a princess from a giant green cyclops by tackling him down a cliff.

"You can talk? You were just growling before--"
"I WAS EATING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH!" Some soldiers haul the cyclops away.
"HOW COULD YOU?? HE WAS MY HUSBAND!!" shouts the princess.
"Good work, kind sir!" says her bigoted father who comes up from behind and hands him a sack of gold. "Can you imagine HIM as a son-in-law?"
"NOW YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!" the princess screams. I think this one's my favorite.

Anna's horrible remembering is from when she was in Odyssia's version of Hogwarts, trying to get a spell right. The incantation she yells turns her classmates into frogs, and she panicks and quickly casts something else. That turns them back to normal, but makes everybody else in the entire village start ribbiting and zapping their tongues at flies. I guess it's kind of bad, but this one's not on purpose and hardly her fault. She's got nothing compared to Graer.

While all this has been going on, Quest has been sneaking around trying to find a way to get everyone out of there without being affected by the fog himself. Unfortunately his best idea seems to be walking directly through the canyon while ranting "Memories. I hate memories." Though he tries his mightiest not to succumb to the will of the haze, it eventually overtakes him. What could QUEST possibly be hiding? Something so big it takes the entire second half of the episode to tell. It turns out that Quest and Nester go father back than Nester is aware....

Quest's story begins with him falling out of some thundering clouds into a river just outside of Odyssia Castle. He doesn't remember where he came from and he barely has any clothes on save a pair of orange boxers. But he DOES see the kingdom under siege from the monstrous army of a nasty villain, and the one-year-old heir to the throne crawling around in direct peril. "SOMEBODY PROTECT THE PRINCE!!" the queen cries out. The royal army's general, Ogun, rushes as fast as he can, but Quest gets there first and socks the monsters over the horizon. Baby Nester thanks Quest by spitting up all over his face.

The king is very grateful to Quest and summons him before the throne. The queen, however, has an even worse attitude than Quest, if that's possible. They clash immediately.

"Are you foolish enough to believe he doesn't remember who he is?" Queen yells at King.
"Hey, I forget stuff all the time! In one ear, out the other!" says Graer, who apparently was a member of the royal court, which explains his connection to Nester.
"I SAVED YOUR BUTTS," Quest growls.
"My BUTT, as you so eloquently put it, was not in need of saving!" the queen tartfully touts.
"Yeah. I guess that's because it's big enough to take care of ITSELF!" blasts Quest.

She storms out of the room. The king apologizes, "She hasn't been the same ever since her father became the villainous Shadow Seed, and turned to the Dark Side." THAT Dark Side? The copyrighted Dark Side?

"You saved my son, and as a reward, I grant you the greatest gift of all."
"A PONY??" shouts Graer.
"Better!" The king taps Quest's shoulder with a sword. "I dub thee QUEST, Nester's nanny! FOR LIFE!"

A horrified Quest stammers, "But--but your highness, I...don't deserve such an honor!"
"I'm royalty, and you have to accept my gifts and that is that!"
"....Must be my lucky day."

Quest is now shown changing diapers, getting more vomit in the face, and nursing Nester with a baby bottle chest-strap device that lets a male breast-feed. If anyone's angrier than Quest about this, it's General Ogun. Eternal nanny was the position HE was gunning for, and now that the king has shown preference to Quest, he feels betrayed. So betrayed, in fact, that he switches sides and pledges loyalty to the previously mentioned Shadow Seed, who bestows upon him the dark powers that transform him into the MAIN VILLAIN OF THE SERIES!!

Quest has just put Nester down for a nap, and walks off to prepare more formula. "Can I have what's left over?" asks Graer. The transformed Ogun seizes the opportunity, slips in and snatches Nester away, leaving a little hologram device.


"We have to tell the king!" says Graer.
"No way," says Quest. He knows the queen will take any excuse she can to get him banished or worse. He, Graer and Cyborg (who was the commander of the Royal Guard back then) set off on a private rescue mission.

Within Shadow Seed's lair, S.S. and Ogun are having about as much fun with Nester as Quest had. Ogun is struggling over changing a diaper, and Mr. Seed gets a new spit-up hairdo.
"PREPARE ANOTHER BATH FOR ME," growls Shadow Seed, and he and Ogun leave. Quest and company drop in. Nester takes this opportunity to wail like a siren. Ogun finds out, but this time Quest has a secret weapon. He takes a torch from the wall, holds it up to Nester's rear end, and a blast of flaming methane roasts Ogun to a crisp.

"YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE, QUEST, BUT NOT THE WARRR!" Ogun yells for lack of an original statement. He throws a glowing ball, a cloud of dust envelops everything, he and his lair disappear and our heroes find themselves back at the gates of the castle again. Unfortunately, the queen is there waiting for them, and she looks cheesed.

"I DEMAND YOUR HEAD! And any other parts of you that can be chopped off!" the queen yells at Quest. The king suggests a lighter punishment, like eternal banishment. "NUH-UH! GOO GOO!" says Nester with his thumb down.
The decision ends up with Cyborg, who must cast the tiebreaker vote. He goes with banishment, and Quest leaves Nester--and the kingdom--forever. Or maybe not forever.

The fog is gone, but Quest is the last one to snap out of it. He refuses to answer all questions about what he saw. "Come on, we have a quest to finish!" he snarls, changing the subject, and they all head off.

"You know, it's funny, but I'm craving milk right now," says Nester.
"Hey, me too!" adds Graer.
"Forget it, my nursing days are over," says Quest.

World of Quest bears the distinction of being Kids WB's last new program, debuting one week after Spider-Man. If you're familiar with television at all you know being the last show on a sinking ship is never a good thing. This show WILL only have 13 episodes and will vanish off the face of the earth next September, until it appears on Toon Disney at 3 in the morning in the year 2014.

I feel the same attachment to this as I do to Mon Colie Knights, but for different reasons. I give World of Quest a solid B -- it's a lot of fun. It's too bad only three people in the entire US will ever know that.

What came next? I tell me. Guess what? History repeated itself. Remember when I said I don't have the last half-hour of the first day of Kids WB because the tape stopped? I don't use tape anymore, but I had to switch DVDs four hours in and the last hour was recorded on a disc that finalized wrong, resulting in no menu and no way to get what I saved out of it. HOORAAAAY!

Johnny Test was what would have come next here, running on its third and final season. Johnny Test used to be produced in-house as an authentic Warner Bros. show, but it changed to a cheap Canadian show midway through. Johnny Test is Dexter's Lab in reverse -- Johnny's sisters are the smart ones and he is the guinea pig. Also, his dad is a homemaker and his mom is a corporate overachiever. And there's someone named "Bling Bling Boy" whose presence alone usually means hilarity. I've enjoyed Johnny Test, but season 3 has kind of sagged in places.

The final episode of JT, which ran last March, involved Johnny once again becoming his superhero alter-ego Johnny X. The majority of Johnny X's villains joined forces to beat him, but failed. Then some aliens who'd appeared earlier in the season arrived and started stealing all of Earth's trees and water, and the villains had to join forces with Johnny to save the world. They reasoned that if they all farted at the same time, the aliens' spaceship would be destroyed--but Johnny X might perish in the blast. Johnny pondered on this, but ultimately decided it was his superheroic duty to use his superfarts to save the day, even if it meant sacrificing himself. The others ran to escape pods, Johnny farted, and the ship blew up, and everyone was sad because they thought he was dead...but then he returned safe and sound.

So it was basically like the final season of Charmed all over again.

Or the entirety of Charmed all over again.

The last show of the morning was Eon Kid. Based on the promos, it looked terrible, and if I'm not going to be reviewing it, then I see no need to ever watch it. I'm not going to even bother bolding its name.

People were struck by disbelief when they heard who was taking over in Kids WB's place: 4Kids. "Doesn't 4Kids already have Fox? Haven't they had it since 2002?" Nay, 4Kids won't be satisfied until it has everything. They're now calling the block "CW4Kids," for as long as the CW will last. They might as well call it "CW4PoorKids," no adolescent with cable would be caught dead watching their stuff. (Except for the new TMNT, hopefully.) 4Kids is a cancer. 4Kids is a cancer, and I am the....uh....what cures cancer?