Where is your Facebook? Where is your Twitter? Where are the pictures of your food on Pinterest?

I was surfing the Web back when complete anonymity was explicitly advised, which sounds alien now. The site's first logo banner appeared in 2005, and believe it or not, the appearance of my signature there was the very first time my name had been revealed online. That took me four years. It's now perfectly normal to post every single private thing about yourself where everybody can see it. Can't imagine what could go wrong, he said sarcastically.

Maybe I would relax just a little bit if my fears didn't keep getting validated. People get fired from tweeting angry remarks. Google compiles your personal information and sells it to interested parties, except for the NSA who can have it for free. "They" are now perfecting face-recognition software that can spot you in a football stadium crowd...the data comes from your Facebook photos.

Actually, if I must be a little more open than I should, the bigger reason I don't use these sites is because everyone else in the world has better luck with social media than me. Little girls make Facebook accounts and have 3600 friends in three hours. The Facebook page for the site has been there for two years and has yet to reach 200 likes, a mark that sites with 6000% less traffic than Platypus Comix usually reach in one week. I post whatever I want at my Deviantart account because no one looks at it anyway. I tried crowdfunding once and it was a disaster. My own personal Facebook page would look even more barren. In the 90's everybody online was a private awkward nerd. What kind of sadist made everything on the Net now revolve around being socially popular? It's cruel, and I don't need my loneliness and isolation measured as a number that everybody can see.

And why would I want everybody to read every random thought in my head? That's asking for it. I'm only human, and humans make mistakes and say dumb things that get them in horrendous trouble, especially if they have no natural tact filter. We're getting public statements now from people massively unqualified to be speaking in public, such as Dan Harmon, Noah Antwiler, or the Gabe half of Penny Arcade. I have a similar tendency to not realize I've offended somebody until way past too late, and I'm not going to risk giving any trolls fresh blood to follow.

Anyway, you asked.

Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet! Return to the FAQs! If you don't, I don't care! I'll pull down your underwear!