People have dreamed of getting a chance to talk to the President....tonight, in an exclusive engagement not even Reddit could make possible, Platypus Comix has invited the Commander in Chief to a special advice column, where he will bestow upon us his dignified Presidential wisdom.

WARNING: The views and opinions expressed by the President of the United States do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the average American, or any American he represents for that matter


Dear Mr. President,
My neighbor borrowed my bowl a few months ago, and I would like it returned. When I asked him about it recently, though, he said he didn't even remember borrowing it. I can't just go into his house and prove he still has it. What do I do?

Okay, do you have any clue what a huge doormat you are? Such a wimp. Let me tell you what to do: you get a really big hammer, a really big one, you go to his door and you break it down. Then you take your assault weapon....and if you don't have an assault weapon, get one, everybody has one. It doesn't have to be loaded, because you're not really going to kill him, you're just gonna scare him. But you make it look like you're going to, and once you've got him on the floor pleading for mercy, and his family is screaming, you take your bowl back. Now that they know who the boss is, they'll never disrespect you again! And since you didn't kill them they can't sue. YOU can sue if you want to though.

Dear Mr. President,
I think I've met the woman of my dreams, and I want to ask her to marry me. But we've only been dating for six months. When, in your opinion, is too soon to pop the question?

You can't get too attached to women, you know...the thing about women is that they change, usually for the worse. You know the real reason Brad left Angie? It's not hard to figure out. It's because SHE HAS NO BOOBS ANYMORE! I mean, duh!

Dear Mr. President,
I am in eighth grade and I have a problem with bullying. There is one classmate in particular I just can't seem to get along with. Every thing I try to get on his good side results in his blowing insults in my face. Most recently, he broke into my locker, read my journal and immediately asked out the girl I'd been crushing on, deliberately in front of my face! What can I do about him?

Dude, this person sounds awesome! Why would I want to talk to a loser like you? Why couldn't THAT guy have written in? Can you contact him and tell him to get back to me?

Dear Mr. President,
I'm nervous about what you're going to do to health care in this country. I know Obamacare isn't really working, but unless I'm mistaken, you don't have a plan to replace it with anything. My brother is on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant. His bills are very high and without the state paying his expenses, he'd be dead right now. Am I wrong in feeling you're about to indirectly kill my brother?

Yes, you're wrong. BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY! Let me give you a clue about how you can save your brother....YOU WORK FOR IT! You take on multiple jobs, you shuffle around the city, you don't sleep for the next three months or so, you actually EARN that guy's life! You want that guy to live at the expense of taxpayers! YOU'RE WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA!

And that brother of yours is even worse! In fact, why should HE have to rely on YOU? He should GET UP, GET OUT THE DOOR, AND DRAG HIMSELF AND HIS DIALYSIS MACHINE ALL THE WAY TO THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE AND PHYSICALLY PLANT HIMSELF IN A FACTORY AND WORK HIS BILLS OFF! That was what made America great, before that weasel FDR!

Do we still have factories? I'm not sure about that. Well, the factories might all be in South Korea now. Hmm.

THEN HE SHOULD GET UP AND DRAG HIMSELF AND HIS BIG MACHINE ALL THE WAY TO KOREA AND WORK THERE! It's not rocket science, people! Rocket science is a crooked sham anyway!

Dear Mr. President,
People have been comparing you to Hitler. Does that bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me. Why would it bother me? Hitler was a brilliant leader. His execution was a bit off, but it was great how he made Germany strong. And then he shot himself. I'm not gonna shoot myself. He was kinda a wimp that way. I'm not a wimp. And I'd like to add, you can admire Hitler and the Jewish people at the same time, a lot of people don't get that. Barbra didn't get that.

Dear Mr. President,
As a woman in America, I am disgusted and terrified by you. I doubt there's anything you can possibly say that could change my mind, but I'll give you the chance.

Okay, this is a good opportunity to get one thing straight. I don't hate women. I like women. I think that women are great. I think that our country was built on the strength of women, maybe not so much as men, but they still contributed. And I think women voting is a good thing, and their working, and...really, I have no problem with it. In fact, women vote so much and work so much that I don't see what they have to complain about anymore. So when they complain to me, I don't get it.

Women are treated perfectly in America. Perfectly. I don't know what more they want. You've got jobs and you've got representation....what else do you want, a sticker?

Dear Mr. President,
You haven't said anything about reversing the decades of progress that the LGBT community has had to struggle for, but me and a lot of my friends are concerned about that. Please assure us you're on our side.

Oh no, I love the LBLTs. Not in that way, because I'm not one myself. But if I was, all the gays would love me. I'm so handsome, they're just lucky I'm not competition. And the sapiosexual gays would love me double, because I'm a genius!

I've just been told I didn't really answer your question. And then I fired that guy. The mark of a genius is that he's not afraid to fire people.

Dear Mr. President,
There is an epidemic of racism in this country that has only gotten worse in the last few years. We have corrupt cops shooting unarmed men dead just because of the color of their skin, and the courts won't convict them. What steps are you going to take to combat racism and bigotry in this country?

Look, don't get angry, but I think this racism thing is really overblown. The media has really overblown it. Racism....I mean, if racism were still a know who one of the richest women in America was last decade? And the decade before that? Oprah. And Oprah is a black woman. If racism was really as widespread as they claim, if it was such a barrier to success, Oprah wouldn't be so rich, would she? I've had her over at a lot of my dinners. Great woman, by the way. Great woman.

I'm gonna say this right now, you don't need to worry about racism, because racism is dead. I can assure you of that. No one gets judged by their skin anymore, that's what they did in slavery times. I've never met anybody who judged people by their skin and I know a lot of people!

Dear Mr. President,
I am a Mexican-American from Los Angeles, and just wanted to say, unlike most of my peers, I'm with you, man. A lot of my friends think I'm crazy for supporting you, but I believe you have the strength and guidance to make America great again. Just know you have at least one fan from the Valley. I'll always support you, and I'll never stop.

I didn't bother reading this past "Mexican." Hey Paco, whatever you want, you're not gonna get it from the backs and wallets of working-class Americans any longer! I'm gonna ship you and your drug runner friends back over the border so fast, it'll make your head spin! Take THAT home, Chachi!

Dear Mr. President,
Are you worried you'll get assassinated during your term?

Nah, I won't get assassinated, I'm too smart. I have a plan for that. They wouldn't dare try killing me because I rigged my administration on a dead man's switch. The switch is called Mike Pence. If I go, you ALL go with me.

Dear Mr. President,
Are you going to start restricting our First Amendment rights?

Do I look like Obama to you? Putting limits on the First Amendment is a liberal, Democrat thing. Why would I be doing that? I'm the good guy here.

Now, what I have a problem with is treason, and I believe there are certain statements said aloud by some people that could be considered treasonous. Samantha Bee, for example....she has committed so much treason, it's outrageous, it shouldn't be tolerated. I would throw Samantha Bee in jail next to Rosie O'Donnell, Hillary Clinton, Amy Schumer, Rosie O'Donnell, I'll continue this list later.

Dear Mr. President,
Who are you going to appoint to the Supreme Court?

Barron would look adorable there, I think.

Dear Mr. President,
What do you think about computers?

I like computers. I like the ladies on computers. I think computers are the key to our future, and that we need to keep them kept on. The content could use a bit of filtering, though. I'll figure that out.

I'm typing this on the toilet, by the way. It's a great toilet, but my presidential toilet is going to be even better.

Dear Mr. President,
My main problem with Bill Clinton was that he cheated on his wife in the Oval Office. Do you have any plans of cheating on your wife?

Oh no, no, NO! I love my family. Melania is the best, just the best. My daughters are great too. I would never cheat. I'm surrounded by beautiful women.

Dear Mr. President,

Now this is the kind of hyperbolic, scaremongering, libtard SJW nonsense I have to deal with. What kind of idiot do you take me for? What have I ever said or done to convince you I am that stupid? The 13th Amendment is a great amendment, just like the other amendments are great. I have no plans to repeal that. My friend McCain says I am making a mistake, but I'm the one in charge and he's not.

Dear Mr. President,
As a member of the Religious Right, I voted for you because my conscience won't let me cast a ballot for any member of a party that slaughters babies. But I have to admit, this was the hardest vote I've ever had to make. I'm concerned that you won't put Christian values at the forefront of your decisions, and your record would seem to suggest I'm right. Regardless, I'll keep praying and I believe the Lord can use you.

Hey! Hey! HEY!! DONALD J. TRUMP doesn't get used by ANYONE!!!

Dear Mr. President,
Ever since YOU were unexpectedly elected, I can't sleep. I can't drive. I can't pet my rabbit without mangling his fur. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. My problem is, I'm so HAPPY! This is exactly what I wanted! I'm so satisfied with the results that I can't concentrate on anything else! How can anyone be let down by this? I can't think of a single reason!

Neither can I, pal. I really don't understand the thought process that goes through some people's heads. There is NO rational reason not to like me. People who claim I'm mean, that comes from nowhere. When have I ever been mean to anyone? I am the nicest person on the entire planet. You ask the women, they'll tell you. Samantha Bee, Rosie O'Donnell, Amy Schumer -- I've never said anything bad about any of them.

Dear Mr. President,
I would like to congratulate you on your political victory in November. It's thrilling news and I look forward to the next four years. You are, without a doubt, the greatest recruitment tool we've ever had!
Signed, Muhammed Al-Hazir
Lead Recruiter, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria

Aw gee, thanks. I always appreciate compliments. I think if more American citizens were like you, the world would be a better place.

Dear Mr. President,
Epi-Pens are still expensive. What are you going to do about it?

Aren't those things, like....$600 a pop? That's nothing!

Dear Mr. President,
Who's your favorite Disney princess?

Oh, I like Mulan. That's a nice one. I think they should remake Mulan, only she should have a chainsaw this time.

Dear Mr. President,
Are you going to start a nuclear war?

I don't think so. I think I have a good relationship with other countries, so I don't think the nuclear is going to be be necessary. China loves me, Russia loves me, Canada loves me. We're gonna get along great. And Mexico especially, I'm gonna get along great with Mexico. Once I find that guy who wrote in earlier and have him tossed over, we're gonna build that wall, and we're gonna build it together. Or else, you know?

Dear Mr. President,
Do you believe AIDS is divine punishment for homosexuality?

I think more research needs to be done on that before I decide either way.