--from "The Oprah Magazine", November 2001.

No, seriously:
Yes, Oprah HAD to get her own magazine, and Rosie O'Donnell got SO jealous she made one of her OWN, and both are frilly, pink, perfume-sample-stuffed, typical goil magazine fare. My mom gets a ton of these women's magazines, including Oprah's, Rosie's and Mary Engelbreit's; and they all do things like offer superfattening chocolate dessert recipes alongside weight loss articles--but most women EXPECT this out of their mags now, which is scary.
Mom has boxes and boxes of old magazines from past years that are like this as well. She filled up another box this week, and when I went downstairs looking for a weird picture to cut out of an old magazine, I found this interesting article; typical, I'm assuming, of the kind of doctrine they fill wives' heads with.
THIS was just plain INTERESTING. "Martha Beck" opens the article with her daughter Katie trying to use an egg beater. Her dad rushed in to help her and said, "No, no, you're doing it the wrong way; this is how I do it." And she yelled, "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW YOU DO IT!!" Martha, apparently, couldn't have been prouder. "What a great kid!" she gushed, Kathie Lee-style.
Then she starts instructing all women to act like this, and gives them specific instructions; the most prominent one being "do what your dog would do." I'm not making this up. She used a dog as an example for the whole "how to be a brat" article, explaining(in this actual sentence from the thing):"If a dog witnessed the most embarrassing moment of your life--if it were standing right there when you committed a horrifying act of flatulence in front of the entire ladies literary league-- the dog's immediate reaction would be "Whoa! Awesome!"
If you think about it, they probably actually have this issue of Oprah in some psychiatrists' offices, without even realizing what's in it. And then they wonder why the people start acting so weird....it's because Oprah said so! She goes on: "Go on a long walk. Buy things that make you loll out your tongue and pant, from shiny beads to a high-powered telescope. Sniff restraunts. Hang out with the people you want to lick." Well, you heard her....go do that!
Martha goes on to say that once she was with her friends (who all follow her teachings) and the old lady in her group stopped in the middle of a parking lot and started howling at the moon. Then everybody did it. Martha said she was defying the definition of feminine nature. Of course, as you saw in the picture, her excuse for all this is that she's "expressing her creativity." Yeah, that's another way to put it....

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