When I was smaller, my parents took me to a lot of big buildings to see a lot of special people. They were called "counselors." It has since occured to me that they probably did this because they thought I was kooky in the cranium.

What follows here is probably one of the worst of those. Yes, I was psychiatrically analyzed once, when I was twelve. To no avail, though--I'm still a lunatic.....uh, just kidding. They put me through a bunch of mental tests, list seen to the left, with creepy names that just makes me wonder now what the heck they were DOING to me. Egad, look at some of this stuff....

"Oh, that is SICK, Fry!! Sick Sick Sick! If anybody tries doing that around ME, they're gonna feel pain, let me tell you!! They can kiss my shiny metal you-know-where!!"

One of the things I notice from this report is that I'm sure a lot more perceptive than the lady who wrote this. For one thing, by now I was aware of what my parents were pulling--it was a shrink report, not a counseling session--AAAAAHHHH!!!

Well, I was right--it was stupid. It's something she didn't pick up on, but then again she was getting paid, and you can pay taxi drivers to deliver dead bodies to the river without their knowing that is what you're paying them to do. Not that I'm giving you any ideas.... Well, actually, when the end result came to the mailbox it was probably one of the most screwed-up things I've ever seen attempted. The problem was, usually when I met new adults I would tell jokes and wacky stories to try to get them to laugh--my first instinct. I've since learned that doing this during a psychiatric evaluation is a bad idea. The "drawing session" was mentioned up there...what she told me to do first was, draw a face. The face could look like anything, and it could be saying anything I wanted it to say. She should have known better than to tell me this, because when the paper was handed back to her I had drawn an extremely ugly person, with features beyond ugliness itself, and it was saying to her: "I GOT THE HOTS 4 U!!" Wa ha ha!! Then she asked me to draw a house, a tree and a man. Being the person that I am, I couldn't resist the urge to once again put my creative spin on it. I drew a house and a tree stuffed with dynamite, and a man cackling and about to push a detonator. Then I was subjected to the ink blot test. By now, I was on a comedy roll, and there was no stopping it!

Identifying an ink blot as a "neutered platypus" probably upset my mom. But hey, this psychiatrist could have used some evaluation herself, right? For one thing, she mispelled "Weirdo" up there. That's a clear sign of schizophrenia. Even worse, she repeated the same sentences several times; in one area she repeated the same sentence TWICE.

Well, when we finally got the test back, it was rather fascinating, to say the least.

One thing's for sure.....if any of my future employers get their hands on this report I am dead. (They're probably reading this page right now; I'll bet; because I told them to look at my cartoons and instead they're looking at this thing.) Nah....what's most likely is that I'll have to go to court one day for a traffic violation, and the judge will somehow get this and instead of fining me $500, he'll give the sentence they gave to Norville Barnes when he invented the Hula Hoop: electroshock therapy followed by strait-jacket confinement in a padded room for 20 years. What's more, this really isn't the first evaluation I had. The first was in first grade, where they had me see a counselor because of....constipation problems. He came back with a report of his own.....

Well, gee, I never saw "supermen" flying around his house, but evidently he was seeing them. Geez, why wasn't that man locked up? Click the only thing the report got right to return to the main page