A revolutionary new anti-stress technique is sweeping the country! How does it work, and how can you make it work for YOU? It's based on the life philosophy of animated buffoon Peter Griffin and it couldn't be simpler. Whenever one of life's many adversities starts to drag you down, just think like Peter Griffin and say, "You think THAT'S bad?? Remember when that thing from the 1980's happened??" Instantly, everything will be put into perspective. Try it!
You're trapped in a dead-end job and the sour economy prevents you from escaping it. You long for human companionship, but members of the opposite sex continue to see you as just a friend and chase the insensitive jerks. Your dryer is broken, and you can't afford another one right away, so you have to take an entire hour out of your day dragging your wet clothes down to the laundromat and waste time standing there guarding them so your boxers aren't stolen by hobos.
"You think THAT'S bad?? Remember when ABC aired a sitcom where the premise was that Snow White and Prince Charming had moved to the suburbs and then Snow White's evil stepmother had moved in with them, creating lots of wacky situations?"
An unstoppable deadly plague is sweeping the world and is impossible to escape unless you live alone in the woods, or create web pages and have no social life. If you catch it, you have an astonishingly low 97% chance of survival. Facial masks or antibiotics will not help. Sooner or later, you'll touch something and then absentmindedly touch your face afterward, infecting yourself. The virus could also mutate at any time and grow extra tendrils or the ability to shoot laser blasts from its eyes!
"You think THAT'S bad?? What about when all the 1980's rock stars banded together in an anti-drug advertising campaign called 'RAD! Rock Against Drugs'???"
Even if and when the economy recovers, the basic perks baby boomers took for granted will be lost to future generations. Social Security will be a thing of the past when you retire, and so will company retirement plans, as well as any form of work-granted insurance or health care. No matter how careful with money you are, one broken leg or undercooked Big Mac will run you up a hospital bill that you will be paying off for years, if you can stay employed. Your debt will be so high, you will never own a house. Your children will not go to college unless they can obtain an increasingly rare scholarship, and they will probably be stuck in retail their entire lives, meaning they won't be able to support you when you grow old, if they stick around. You will die alone and poor on the street buried under mountains of debt and no one will miss you. Seth MacFarlane will never have any of these problems, ever, despite a lifetime of debauchery, cockiness and making fun of handicapped people.
"You think THAT'S bad??? Well, what about THIS???"
See, don't you feel better? Tell your friends, your family, and especially Oprah about this amazing psychiatric technique. The Peter Griffin Philosophy: putting things into proper perspective one healed soul at a time.