Hot cocoa is just about as synonymous with Christmastime as Santa Claus himself. Okay, not really, but December is the month for cocoa enthusiasts. No longer must we hide our secret liquid chocolate obsessions -- no more gunning for the dark basement on those sporadic August days when we just need a cup of cocoa, December and Christmas conspire to give the public twenty-five days of full-on out-blown yeah-yeah Chocolate Acceptability.
Though there's dozens of different cocoa flavors nowadays, I've always been a traditionalist. Just a regular cup of hot cocoa will do -- no need for "dark chocolate," "mint chocolate" or "double triple chocolate chocolate." I say I'm a traditionalist, but more directly, I just can't tell much of a difference between the flavors. It's all the same crud in the same hot water in the same coffee mug I've been using since 1833. On the rare cases when one of the mix varieties does boast an entirely new flavor, it's almost never a good thing. When the goal of a new cocoa mix seems to be making the flavor taste as different from "chocolate" as possible, there's an inherent design flaw and a serious risk of false advertising. Nonetheless, there's one special ingredient I never take a pass on. If I'm going to drink hot chocolate, that cup is going to be swarming with at least six dozen marshmallows.
For us marshmallow lovers, the avenues seem limited. You can buy the yummy bags of mini-marshies for your cocoa, or simply buy a mix that comes with little packs of even smaller marshmallows that may or may not be slivers of chalk. They're not stale, mind you...they're just made that way. Still, these faux mallows indeed lend an air of non-festiveness to your cups of Christmas cocoa, and worst of all, they're too damn small to build anything out of.
Plus, they always seem to melt into nothingness within forty-five seconds of being added to the cocoa. For those who like the feeling of marshmallows on the roof of their mouth with every last sip, this is a constant and pestilent feature. It's something that needs fixin'. Thank God for Kraft...
That's right. Kraft's new "Jet Puffed Holiday Mallows" -- it's a vacuum sealed edible Christmas for under two bucks. These amazing creatures are impossible to resist; the bright holiday colors jump at you from every direction, assaulting your will and better judgment with dreams of dyeing hot cocoa with red and green marshmallows. You get plenty of 'em, too -- enough to carry you well into January, at which point they'll be completely rock-hard and ready to transform into tree ornaments for next year. See how well everything works out with Kraft's Holiday Mallows?
Word to the wise: don't let these sit for too long. Even if the bag remains sealed, they're marshmallows of a different kind. I don't know if it's the dyes used or what, but most of my bag had perfectly solidified into a gooey, monstrous mess of marshmallow sick. Looked like what a dog would throw up after eating a bag of Holiday Mallows, only worse, because you have to eat something that looks like festive dog vomit. Use 'em while they're fresh, that's all I'm saying.
Each bag contains green Christmas Trees and red Christmas Stars that are really pink Christmas Stars. The trees look as they should; the stars look like they should be attacking teeth in one of Crest's anti-cavity commercials.
They taste great, though. Actually, they taste just like every other marshmallow on the planet -- they just look prettier. Best part? Okay, you know how the marshmallows will leave a thick film over a cup of cocoa if left to ferment even for just a few minutes? Well, it's five times thicker with these marshmallows, and the mixed color hues make it look exactly like the gooey leftovers of "Stripe" from the climax scene in "Gremlins." Who knew a cup of hot cocoa could be so fun?
One has to wonder if we'll ever see the real Geoffrey again. The long-standing mascot and spokesperson of Toys 'R' Us stores, Geoffrey has most recently been seen as an English-speaking yet still very much literal giraffe. It's quite different from the animal of old: in past years, Geoffrey was just a guy shoved in a cute giraffe suit. It was cheesy as Hell, but we loved him to death. While the new version is a solo act, Vintage Geoffrey actually had a wife and children. And now he's dead.
Thank God for old Toys 'R' Us Christmas commercials. December was Geoffrey's most active month by far -- at times, it seemed like you couldn't sit through a single commercial break without watching the cherubic creature peddle some plastic piece of shit to the world at large. For those who didn't want to grow up, Geoffrey was more than a retail chain's mascot. He was a mentor. A mentor with a freaky crazy ass long neck.
You might remember several of Geoffrey's ad spots from X-E's Macy's Parade reviews, but this one just might be my favorite. In the span of thirty seconds, Geoffrey does his best to sum up one of the most underrated toy lines of the 80s: LJN's collection of hard rubber WWF action figures. Wrasslers, and a whole lot of them. Back when pro-wrestling was more gleefully geared towards children, these figures could've likely been found in just about every toybox across North America.
Specifically, this ad was designed to promote LJN's great line of "tag team sets." One set included "The Iron Sheik" and "Big John Studd." Studd passed away some time ago; the Sheik lives on as a raving crack lunatic. I'm not sure if they ever actually teamed together in the squared circle, but who cares? Studd was big, and the Sheik's boots had God damned FANGS.
Probably more popular was the team of "hero" figures -- "Hillbilly Jim," and the most famous wrestler of all, "Hulk Hogan." Personal feelings aside, no kid's wrestling collection was complete without that Hulk Hogan figure. You had to have him. Hillbilly Jim sucked, so it's no surprise that they lumped him in with the guy everybody was gunning to purchase. Fifteen bucks might seem a bit high for two regular figures from twenty years ago, but these things were well made, heavy, and so long as you didn't touch them, the paint would never fade.
Geoffrey couldn't resist a quick plug for the WWF's "wrestling ring;" an essential ingredient if you wanted to play with these toys. This thing was fantastic -- huge, with bouncy ring ropes and all. What was supposed to be used for terrible battles was more often used for big pro-wrestling "parties" during my play adventures, with everyone from "Mean" Gene Okerlund to Brutus Beefcake teaming forces just to see how many wrestling figures could possibly fit in that wrestling ring before the ropes popped off. I think my personal best was 26, but I could just be throwing any number out there just to end the paragraph.
What does this commercial have to do with Christmas, you ask? Simple. Look closely behind that wrestling ring. What do you see? IZZA TREE!
(click to enlarge)
12/1: MISTA SNOWMAN!
Playmobil's Advent Calendar II is off to a roaring start with this wonderful plastic snowman. Standing tall at three inches and looking a little too much like the Pillsbury Doughboy, the newly dubbed "Mista Snowman" comes adorned with coal eyes and buttons, a happy mouth, and a beautiful red scarf. Hey, wait a second. Where's the damn carrot nose? What good is a "Mista Snowman" if he can't attract wild hares while smelling the clean winter air? Is this a roaring start, or a terrible omen? Maybe we'll find out tomorrow, when I open Playmobil's special gift box for December 2nd. BE there.
