Here's the infamous Trix Cereal commercial where that blasted, unscrupulous "Rabbit" dressed as Santa Claus. A lot of people seem to mistakenly remember this ad as the one where the Rabbit finally got his Trix -- it's not. There was at least one commercial where he did, and several others where he succeeded in nailing a small taste, but nope -- not for Christmas. What's most memorable about this one has nothing to do with the Rabbit eating Trix, but rather the sheer amount of blown opportunities to eat Trix in the span of thirty seconds. That bunny's got nobody to blame but himself for this one.
Anyway, things kick off with a shot of two kids leaving Santa a bowl full of Trix. Not the traditional offering by any stretch, but they had to fit the box in there somehow. I guess the working theory was that Santa could've used a record-settingly early breakfast during that long trek across the planet. The kids head up to bed, satisfied in knowing that they've left a dozen essential vitamins and minerals for the fat man.
Finally, Santa makes his appearance...only it's not Santa...it's the Rabbit dressed as Santa. Very poorly, I should add. Now, there's a bowl of Trix on the table. The kids are gone. The lights are out. The Rabbit could've easily achieved his dream right here, but instead decides to talk to himself about Trix while hallucinating the cereal's five fruits over the family's strands of holiday lights.
Some of the Trix commercials really make you feel bad for the thing. If the biggest goal in your life is eating Trix and you can't even do that, there's definite room for pity. Plus, if you look back at the many children who denied Rabbit access to his holy cereal over the years, some of 'em were pretty mean-spirited. He wasn't asking for a kidney, y'know? Even if you overlook the fact that he's technically breaking and entering with intentions of theft, it's hard to sympathize with Rabbit this time around. Just eat the damn cereal already, fool! We want you to! We're rooting for you!
You'll see what I mean when you download the vid -- the Rabbit had always wasted a little too much time with these plots, but it was just unbelievable around Christmas. Nobody was around! Whole bowl of cereal! Whole bowl of cereal five inches from his mouth! You have to wonder if this whole "Trix is for kids" campaign started because Rabbit was too much of a health nut to eat it and had the shit worded into his contract. There's just no way anyone at General Mills willfully scripted one of their star spokesmen to be so mystifyingly stupid.
By the way, what's the accepted name for the guy? Is it just "Rabbit?" Or "The Rabbit?" Or "The Trix Rabbit?" The kids in the ads only ever referred to him as "Silly Rabbit;" a title I'd only agree to repeating if "Silly" was in fact the creature's first name. If not, it's just redundant -- how many times can we call a stupid rabbit stupid?
In the climactic moment, the real Santa arrives and snatches what's rightfully his. You'd think Santa would've skipped out and let Rabbit have his Trix, but what can I say? In the massive world of television Santas, this one's pretty dicky. He's got millions upon millions of cookie plates and glasses of milk ahead of him...did he really need this one bowl of Trix that badly?
Then again, we never saw Santa's face. Maybe it wasn't Santa at all. Maybe one of the previously seen children went upstairs, put on a Santa suit and grew fifty years older before reclaiming that bowl of cereal. It's a long shot, but I'd rather believe that than think Santa Claus was the kind of bastard who'd ruin Rabbit's Christmas. After all...Trix is for kids, but the holidays are for everyone. Why else would Wal-Mart sell dog treats in plastic candy cane containers?
A few years back, I wrote a fairly uninformed article about Kinder Eggs, the chocolate eggs with toy prizes inside (think Cracker Jack, only cooler) that remain all the rage in plenty of nations that aren't the United States. The quality and range of toy prizes available made Kinder Eggs a phenomenal success; a "collecting" fad that blows away our "Homies" figures both in sales and in plain ol' interest. I've since warmed to the things, and now America has their own version in Nestle's "Wonder Balls." They're kinda like Kinder Eggs. Kinder Eggs that suck.
Oh well -- at least they come in Christmas varieties. The holiday edition Wonder Balls retool the originals simply by adding a little string on top, essentially making them Wonder Ball Christmas ornaments. You've gotta tie the knot yourself. As someone who has avoided sneakers his entire life strictly because he can't tie a knot, I can't tell you how much this infuriates me. I'm so infuriated.
Like many Wonder Balls, the Christmas versions have been Disneyized. Each foil wrapper reflects a Disney flick, ranging from "Monsters Inc." to "The Little Mermaid." Something for everyone! Reminiscent of Kinder Eggs by more than the fact that they're chocolate eggies, Nestle's Wonder Balls have many mysterious prizes hiding inside. Oh, wait till you see!
I didn't steal the mallet from Red Lobster, though in retrospect, it would've been interesting if I had.
Inside each Wonder Ball is a small assortment of tiny, tart hard candies shaped like different Disney characters. It's like saving your biggest Christmas gift box for last, and finding out that it only played host to a huge bag of cat urine. Incidentally, cat urine probably tastes as good as these candies -- picture Smarties dipped in that pink medicine every kid had to drink whenever they sneezed too much.
To give you an idea about how exciting I found these things, I was seriously considering leaving them off the calendar. Then I remembered that I paid four bucks for 'em. If I'm going to waste four bucks on choco-testicles filled with Simba-shaped inedibles, you're gonna have to read about them. Merry Christmas!
(click to enlarge)
12/12: GREEN BENCH!
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Playmobil's gift to us was the cute lil' green bench shown above. Whereas most action figures with posable legs are forced to make due with sitting on the floor, Mare and Mysterious Boy can rest their asses like real people. The bench is about three inches long and closer to the ground than most other benches. I'm not giving it a black mark for that, as it's a bench meant for people with legs shorter than their arms. Yeah.
Course, the bench couldn't have come at a worse time for Mista Snowman. Worried and totally off-camera, Mista Snowman's been wondering if Mysterious Boy is gonna give him the shaft. Mare's been less than subtle in her hatred for snowmen, and if our hero can't enlist the help of Mysterious Boy, he doesn't stand a chance. To make matters worse, Mysterious Boy hopped out of his gift box with the serious intentions of getting laid.
So, there they sat. Mare and Mysterious Boy. On the bench. The love bench. So many sex positions were available -- all Mysterious Boy needed was a good icebreaker. Mare's known to be pretty loose; she's the kinda girl who drops her pants at the sight of anything cylindrical, even "Mondo" fruit drinks. That's great for Mysterious Boy, but we know the drill. If Mare gets fucked, so does Mista Snowman. So much is riding on Mysterious Boy's icebreaker. If he's smooth, our hero is doomed. Finally, as the awkward silence mounts, M.B. finally lets loose his pickup line.
"Hey Mare. Your ass is looking a lot better than it did yesterday."
December 12th was one of the luckiest days of Mista Snowman's short life.
