A lot of my Christmas decorations were hand-me-downs from my parents. Well, not really -- either I stole them outright, or saved 'em from the trash. I'm a packrat at heart, but when it comes to Christmas stuff, I will not allow anything -- absolutely anything -- to be thrown away. It's just wrong, and no matter how large my collection of half-shattered and completely broken ornaments grows, I will always stand by that.
More so than anything else, I've kept all of my family's unwanted decorations because they help remind me of all those wonderful childhood Christmasssesses. The sound of some of our twirling ceramic musical figures throws me right back into the past; the assortment of crappy ornaments I made with glitter and construction paper in the second grade helps me remember every twist and turn of holiday seasons long gone.
As I carefully sorted through our ever-growing collection of Christmas junk, one of the finds was really surprising. It was a box full of ceramic houses my parents used to put over their wall unit, and while I was glad to take 'em, the greatest thing in that box had nothing to do with decorating...
Each of the houses was wrapped in newspaper. Most of it was from recent years, but one particular piece was way too yellowed to be anything resembling recent. After I decrinkled it, I couldn't believe my eyes. The date? December 24th, 1985. Unbelievable -- I couldn't keep any of my toys intact, but here's a piece of newspaper that survived in my parents' house for almost 20 years. What's the real kicker? When we took down our Christmas decorations that year, I intentionally stashed that page in there.
I remember it so well now, though I doubt it would've ever crossed my mind again had I not found the stupid newspaper. On Christmas Eve, long before the rest of my family arrived for a celebration that'd last well past midnight, I seized the comic section and plotted to keep it with our Christmas decorations. At the time, my goals had nothing to do with nostalgic preservation -- I was a Christmas nut from Day One, and I wanted to make sure that our decorations were wrapped exclusively in Christmas newspaper. For some reason, I hated the fact that we wrapped the ornaments up in January newspaper. It's one of those things I'm really surprised to have actually gone through with, but there it is....the newspaper from Christmas Eve. Lord knows what happened to the rest of it.
Thankfully, the single surviving page is the best one I could've hoped for. One side had the comics, the other had the TV listings. From 1985. I guess you have to be someone sorta "like me" to understand why this was so thrilling -- fortunately, I don't think many people not "like me" could survive long reading X-E. They usually go elsewhere after the tenth time they hear about Teela's tits.
The comics side featured some old favorites, most notably "Calvin & Hobbes." Between Calvin's adventures and Larson's work with "The Far Side," you couldn't fault anyone for reading the comics section in those days. Sadly, "The Far Side" must've been on one of the lost pages. Only Calvin survived the long trek -- it's the one where Dad tells him that Mom's dinner causes gross mutations to get him to eat. Sure, it's not the strip where Calvin erects giant Tiki Gods out of snow, but it's still a classic.
Even more interesting were the television listings. Jesus Christ, what I wouldn't give to see a lineup like this today. Cartoons included "Masters of the Universe," "Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors," "Thundercats" and "She-Ra: Princess of Power." Shows included "Love Connection," "The Brady Bunch," "Sesame Street" and "Hawaii 5-0." Airing that night was the long forgotten "For Better Or For Worse" holiday special, "The Bestest Present." I didn't watch it, unfortunately. Too busy putting my loot into a big pile.
It's amazing how something as trivial as a piece of crumpled newspaper can take you back. If you've got some old decorations in some old box wrapped up in some old newspaper, I seriously suggest giving those pages a look. You might be pleasantly surprised by what you'll find. If not...oh well, it'll probably smell like an old school library, and that's fun enough in of itself.
Here's another of 7 UP's Christmas commercials -- unfortunately, no "Spot" this time around. Don't worry, though: it's pretty insane and hilarious even without the little red guys.
So, there's this group of elves at the North Pole, working away. Whomever crafted this ad had a strange idea of what would constitute "elves," as they all appear more like midget Santas complete with white beards and grumpy noses. One of the elves, perhaps a rogue, stops working to contemplate just how sweaty and tired he is. This toy business -- it's no cakewalk!
Using his Vader-like Force powers, the elf holds his hand out and summons a nearby refrigerator door to open. Of course, the fridge is stocked only with 7 UP and Cherry 7 UP. No food. Just 7 UP. Magically, a can of the good stuff flies toward his grip, and soon, he's free to enjoy the clear, crisp taste of the one and only UNcola.
Other elves follow suit, and for whatever reason, drinking 7 UP causes all of 'em to laugh at the snow. Not "laugh" as in "chuckle," mind you. "Laugh" as in "roll around like hogs while making noises like that tarantula Jeff Daniels set on fire at the end of Arachnophobia." Now I know why Santa never dies. He'd have the most inappropriate, disrespectful funeral party ever.
Eventually, the big man pops out from the workshop. Santa can't believe what a troop of maroons he's leading. Fittingly, he washes his sorrows down with a can of....7 UP!
Well, it only took thirteen days for Playmobil to remember that the people and snowmen they've been giving birth to might, you know, need something to eat. Our latest gift is a package of rations -- two nondescript yellow food trays and a thermos full of unidentified liquid. I imagine it's cocoa. Hot cocoa.
Mista Snowman wanders back from the secret spot he goes to whenever he's depressed, wondering why he hasn't been offered any food. Mare, ending that mystery quickly, points out that he's not allowed to have any. "Snowmen don't need food." Mista Snowmen pondered that statement for a moment, realizing the truth in it but still feeling no less hungry. First, Mare stole Mista Snowman's celebrity star. Now she's stealing his food. Good thing he doesn't have a carrot nose.
Even more concerning than the lack of food was the fact that Mysterious Boy had some. Did he and Mare do it? Was Mista Snowman out in the cold? I mean...figuratively, too? Our hero doesn't know the truth, and really, neither do we. Mare and M.B. certainly didn't look to be that cozy yesterday, but who knows what happened when the cameras stopped rolling?
They shared food. Did they share bodies? That's the million dollar question. Mista Snowman's million dollar answer: "Dwuh I duwno." We're growing closer and closer to an epiphany; I just hope the truth doesn't hurt.
