Do you believe in magic? No? YOU WILL. Here's another holiday commercial from McDonald's, titled "Star Wish." I believe it's from 1988; sort of the transitionary period after they'd cut off some of the dead weight. Mayor McCheese was sadly absent from this era, and while the occasional appearance from Mac Tonight (think Ray Charles with a giant white banana head) helped ease the pain, I always missed that big ol' hamburger dude. Notwithstanding that, "Star Wish" is one of the better McD ads. Grimace and Birdie, bundled up to handle the brisk cold, head out into the open snow in search of the perfect Christmas present for Ronald. Yup, these freaks exchanged gifts. Thank God they did it the old fashioned way -- could you imagine the perils of a "Secret Santa" situation in McDonaldland? Who would want to draw the "Fry Guys" straw? What on Earth do you buy Fry Guys? Plus, everyone's gonna argue over who gets the Hamburglar -- he's way too easy. Our fearless duo has no idea what to get Ronald, and for unknown reasons, they presume that the perfect gift will present itself if they just wander around the snowy terrain long enough. A beautiful cartoon star, complete with facial features, performs several magical twirls before accidentally spiraling down and crash-landing on Earth. Grimace and Birdie witness the phenomenon, and with their curiosity piqued, they head over to the crash site to see if the poor star dude's all dead and mangled. Happy holidays from McDonald's. Grimace: Woooo this star sure does keep me purple paws warming! Birdie: Grimace! Stop warming up! This star needs us! It's going to freeze to death out here. Grimace: What do should we you doooo?! Birdie: I'm not sure. We can't leave it out here, though. Maybe we should trap it in a box and give it to Ronald for Christmas. Grimace: Awesome yes that. Kill two birds one stone! Birdie: More like three birds. Don't forget me! Believe it or not, that's exactly what they did. The poor star gets stuffed in a box and handed off to Ronald like any old set of coffee cups or gourmet truffles, and the clown couldn't be happier. Ronald wonders what might be in there, but reserves himself to waiting until Christmas morning to open it. Actually, he's not too disappointed about that: Birdie's famous for giving out shitty gifts, and Ronald's way too tired to feign excitement over another pair of socks or a paper Burger King crown modified with markers to bear McDonald's logo instead. Birdie's given him at least eight of those. "Ronald, you have to open the gift before Christmas! It's alive!" Internally, Ronald became haunted by the idea that Birdie and Grimace trapped yet another wild squirrel. That's what he got from 'em last year, and he's got the scars to prove it. "Don't worry, it's not another squirrel." Cautiously and with as much optimism as he could muster, Ronald opened...the box. Though enchanted by the star, Ronald raises some ethical questions. He's not sure if it's right to actually keep a star. Birdie and Grimace stand around hearing his argument, progressively feeling worse and worse about themselves to the point where I'm surprised they didn't start blaming the idea on each other to save face. Ronald suggests that they set the star free. Birdie's not gonna argue, because really, has anyone ever won an argument against Ronald McDonald? Man, most people wait till the gift givers are out of sight before returning all the crap they don't want, but Ronald actually insists that they watch him do it. The star happily flies back into space, rejuvenated by clown kindness and ready to...I dunno...maybe it'll hit into a faraway planet and end some unknown civilization. During the commercial's run on television, I remember being real taken with that star creature. Like Birdie and Grimace, I could see the merits in owning one. Now that I've grown older and wiser, Ronald's reaction makes more sense. On the off chance that we happen across a tiny star with a cherubic little face, we shouldn't imprison it. The advantages of having a great conversational piece are outweighed by the moral issues involved. Stars, especially stars that look like cute baby animals, deserve to live life amongst their own kind. I thank McDonald's for teaching me that, and also for helping me stock the fridge with enough free ketchup to last until 2037. Click here to watch the commercial!	Hey look, Christmas cookies! Three new varieties from Keebler, ranging from classic holiday favorites to wacky Oreo rip-offs with Donald Duck faces etched on top. Actually, these aren't a bad deal. The first two kinds are present at virtually every Christmas party -- they're the cookies someone always has to make even though nobody else eats 'em. Rather than making a loved one spend all that extra time baking, just set Keebler's boxes out and let nobody eat them instead. Time is precious during these final days before the Christmas; everybody could use a few more hours to find the perfect gift for some distant stupid aunt. First up, "Holiday Jingles." Just your standard sugar cookies topped with red and green pixie dust. Upon opening box, the first thing that struck me about the aroma was how similar it was to McDonald's McGriddles. Either the honey-drenched buns of Hell's breakfast sandwich shares some traits with these cookies, or Keebler has a thing for making their sweets smell like sausage. I didn't focus long enough to make a proper evaluation. I became much too busy trying to pick off all the red and green specks just to see if it could be done. It couldn't, so I moved on. And that's my story. Secondly, here's a box of "Frosted Mints." Okay, these really smell like Christmas. They're incredibly minty, literally to the point where the scent cleared out my sinuses. Frosted Mints were the cleaner shrimp to my moray eel. If you don't follow my meaning, take solace in the fact that I'm writing this in the middle of the night, and probably won't be able to understand it after I wake up. There's certainly things you can make your brain crunch on late at night if they're important enough, but churning out a few hundred words about Keebler cookies ain't one of them. I know I should be more conscious of what I type, but come on...Keebler cookies? My brain isn't going to turn itself on and go into emergency battle mode just to describe Keebler cookies. There's also some kind of "Almond Crescent" cookies, but I didn't buy 'em. They're out there, though. Believe the rumors. Our final variety is easily the best of the lot: "Magic Middles," the only cookie in the world that could've gotten two longtime enemies like Mickey Mouse and the Keebler elves to team up. We recently looked at Nabisco's "Winter Oreos," and lemme tell you -- these totally blow Oreos out of the cookiewater. Magic Middles' creme filling is thicker and brighter than anything Oreo's ever put out, and as an added bonus, the cookie wafers feature different Disney characters. Donald, Mickey, Goofy...all the big guns. The shocking red and neon green icing looks almost too unnatural to eat. Then again, we live in a society that scrapes off parts of cow ass, forms wands out of 'em, and hires various pro-wrestlers and guys with ten-foot meat-hair to advertise them as "snacks." If we can eat Slim Jims at the request of Randy "Macho Man" Savage, we can eat radioactive cookie creme. (click to enlarge) 12/14: RED RADIO! Mista Snowman, feeding Mare and Mysterious Boy enough turkey to kill a rhino, tricked his would-be oppressors into a tryptophan-induced sleep. He didn't know what was going to be inside Playmobil's gift box for December 14th -- but whatever it was, it was gonna be his. Because the Christmas spirit has a lot more to do with small stereo systems than anyone realizes, our latest prize is the tiny red radio shown above. Mista Snowman knows that his victory is only temporary. When Mare wakes up, she'll just grab the stereo and claim it as her own. Plus, it's not like Mysterious Boy is gonna stick up for him. Pauly Pooch might, but we haven't seen him for like a week or something. Didn't this thing come with a crow, too? Did one of our pals eat Bird before Playmobil had a chance to dispense yesterday's rations? With just a scant few hours before Mare wakes up and has a fit over Mista Snowman's unwrapping session, the icy hero makes the most of what little time he has left by cranking up the volume and bustin' loose with the snowmoves. Some were pretty basic, but one of the more interesting dances involved Mista Snowman holding his middle-ball over his head, shouting "I can't believe I can hold my stomach over my head!" I guess it wasn't really a "dance." The radio threw me off...kinda gave it a beat, y'know? Dawn approaches, and with it, Mare's awakening draws ever closer. Considering how much of a greedy freak she's been with gifts like thermoses and small benches, it's gonna be real scary to see how she reacts to this one. I hope she doesn't dust off the terrible, unspeakable "Mare Stare." Shit, I shouldn't give her any ideas. - Matt (12/14/03)