Here's something I didn't have time to cover last month during our Macy's Thanksgiving Parade reviews -- from the 1991 parade, here's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! What's this got to do with Christmas? You'll see.
Sadly, they only had a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance. It's probable that our heroes had more involved roles during other parades, but in 1991, this was all we got. Willard Scott and Katie Couric were the hosts, charged with introducing around 30,000 floats and personalities they couldn't have possibly been familiar with. Since TMNT was such a big fad, they at least had an inkling. With others, like "Captain Planet," they were just totally oblivious. You haven't lived until you've heard Willard Scott introduce Captain Planet as "the blue superhero on Macy's special 'Earth' float." Guess they missed that one in the script.
Anyway, the Turtles' appearance kicked off dubiously enough with the troop of horses shown above. Viewers let their guards down -- we had no idea what was behind those ponies. Sure enough, four green ninjas prepared to light NYC on fire with their unique brand of three-fingered waves and general apathy to the fact that they were starring in a big parade. Here they come!
Riding in a '61 Cadillac driven by a really old guy who might've possibly been a rarely seen clean-shaven Splinter, the Turtles embark across Broadway as Willard Scott spouts off all of their catchphrases. "Cowabunga, dudes!" I think Willard's prominence can only be credited in small part to his inherent charm -- the real reason they hired him for these things was for his ability to recite the most embarrassingly hokey lines without even once sounding pissy about it. You'll see in the clip -- Willard actually gets the world to believe he's a fan of the Ninja Turtles.
Well, for a brief moment, at least. See, they sort of run out of things to say after approximately two seconds, but the Turtles are still in view. Instead of conjuring up some extra noodles of info, Willard opts for the safer route: incoherent mumbling mixed with complete and total silence. Then again, what's there to add? You've got four green Turtles riding across the city in a Cadillac. It's much more fun to supply your own commentary for something like this.
The thing I liked most about the Turtles' live appearance? For once, finally, the costumes are based on their cartoon personalities. Just the standard, puffy suits. These are the kind of Ninja Turtles you'd meet at a Toys 'R' Us grand opening -- they're the ones you watched kick all sorts of animated ass on television. Getting back to the topic at hand, what do they have to do with Christmas?
Duh -- they're wearing Santa caps.
By the way, if you're curious about what I mean when I say "cartoon costumes," check out this article from last year, where the live-action heroes sing lots of Christmas Carols. They may seem more "real" that the toitles seen here, but god damn...I'm pretty sure that's what the guys who dragged Willie Lopez to Hell looked like.
Check out Suave's new "Seasonals;" the shampoo and conditioner that makes your hair more like Christmas. Yes, the world's gone mad. I can't wait for the Halloween editions. The two shown above are only the milky conditioners -- the shampoos are more translucent, but I couldn't justify buying anymore hair products that smelled like holly.
The green variety is called "Evergreen Garland," which smells appropriately like a fresh Christmas Tree. It's actually real on-the-mark, too -- if you love the scent of Christmas Trees, you're gonna sit around with this bottle up your nose for as long as it takes for you to accidentally inhale hair conditioner up it. I speak from experience, and no, it's not one of those "roll with the punches" things. Sniffing hair conditioner up your nose really, really sucks.
"Holly Berry" is the pinkish one; a pleasant mix of...holly and berries. Names don't lie. To be honest, they're not bad. I lost my taste for any hair cleaners that smelled like anything besides plain old "clean" years ago, but if like the scented crap, you should get a kick out of these. Besides, everyone goes out of their way to dress up for the holiday season. Loads of red sweaters, candy cane lapel pins...you know the deal. Why not take things a step further? Why not smell like the holidays?
At under two bucks a bottle, Suave's "Seasonals" are much cheaper and safer for those ends than saturating yourself in Christmas pine spray. Again, I speak from experience. Wanna see the rash? From the right angle, it looks just like Santa.
(click to enlarge)
12/15: GOAL NET!
After waking up to find Mista Snowman gleefully playing with the new radio that was rightfully hers, Mare was mighty pissed. She became even more pissed after realizing that Mista Snowman's perpetually wet hands sopped the radio up to the point of unusability. When Playmobil's special present for December 16th -- a goal net -- popped up, Mare knew just what to do with it.
"I'm keeping all of the nonliving presents in here! Don't come near this net!" Mista Snowman was doubly disappointed. Not only was he being left out of all the Christmas gift cheer, but now they couldn't even play hockey with the new goal net. We must wonder how far Mare can actually push Mista Snowman before going a little too far -- after all, even snowmen have their limits. Mare's a bitch, but she's also pretty slight with really skinny arms. Mista Snowman could easily take her. Let's hope he remembers that before the weather gets warmer.
