Uh oh -- theyyy're back. This marks the third time I've reviewed a "Kid Cuisine" TV dinner here on X-E. Our first look happened back in February of 2002; at that point, they were still testing the waters. The meals were beginning to take shape, both figuratively and literally, into the kind of dinners kids didn't just eat -- this was the kind of dinner you ate after playing with for an hour.
Our second look at Kid Cuisine was from this past September. Therein lied a review of "Halloween Kid Cuisine," the only microwave meal on the market that was actually themed for the Halloween season. With spooky bat-shaped chicken nuggets, this annual, edible celebration of all things Dracula delighted kids with a mixture of bright orange boxes and drawings of Frankenstein penguins. The next generation of nostalgia addicts will likely recall Kid Cuisine in the same way I do those old Ninja Turtles pudding pies. As for now, the masters of the micro are back with one last anomaly for 2003: the world's very first Christmas inspired TV dinner.
It's "Christmas Kid Cuisine." It's the holidays...nuked.
Man. "Reindeer Shaped Nuggets." In any order, these words are not meant to be together. Still, if you'd consider uniquity just as important as good taste and brand loyalty for inspiring sales in the supermarkets, "Christmas Kid Cuisine" is a great idea. Ain't nowhere else are you gonna find chicken nuggets vaguely shaped like Santa's reindeer. I would've preferred a nativity scene, if only because it would've been more fun to spend this paragraph writing about eating baby Jesus. In Christ our Lunch?
There's the final results after four minutes of tantalizing micro-magic. Actually, they seemed to cook a whole lot more evenly and infinitely less messily than the Kid Cuisine selections seen in prior reviews. Maybe it's because there's no sauce to burn, but I prefer to chalk it up as a Christmas miracle. Bum bum bum bah bah bah bum bah bah bah bum.
Of the four different snacks, only the corn hasn't been "updated." It's just a compartment of plain ol' normal corn. I couldn't accept it. Why not go the full mile? They'd already expended great resources in making three of the compartments "Christmasized" -- why stop now? Thus, the corn has now been re-christened. They're Christmas bells. Christmas bell corn. You just have to kinda blur your eyes a bit.
That's odd...I don't remember taking this picture from that angle. Oh well...I'm not fixing it now, but the image should be flipped vertically. Here we find three chicken nuggets, piping hot and spiced just gently enough for six-year-old nonsmoking tongues to handle them. Two of the beasts are shaped like reindeer, while the third provides a Santa sleigh made out of chicken.
A Santa sleigh made out of chicken? Where's Don King at? I need him to say that thing he says. C'mon, Don. Say it.
Believe it or not, they're almost as good as Wendy's nuggets. Or maybe the fact that these were shaped like reindeers masked the fact that they weren't. I dunno, I'm writing this three days late at 4 AM. Would anyone mind if I just filled out the rest of this article by repeating the word "chicken?" You know, like:
There's your macaroni and cheese. The macaroni is supposed to be shaped like snowflakes, but that's definitely up for debate. I see snowflake pasta on the box, but what I actually received was much closer to mangled body parts pasta. This "special feature" obviously flunked, and I'd be surprised if Kid Cuisine brought it back next year. You can lead a little boy to water, but you can't make him believe that macaroni is snowflake-shaped when it clearly is not. After all, we're celebrating the Christmas season -- not the "I'll believe whatever you want me to believe about macaroni and cheese" season. Get with the program, Kid Cuisine. Phone Don King or something.
Finally, here's a compartment full of chocolate pudding, topped with various Christmas cheer. You get to add the Christmas cheer yourself -- the sprinkles come in a little sealed baggie shoved into the nugget compartment. There's stern warnings all over the box about removing this little bag before microwaving, but you just know a few kids had to skip it. What'd they end up with? Reindeer-shaped chicken nuggets covered in melted plastic and candy sprinkles. They say Christmas is all about indulgence.
Say what you will about the food, but I'm down with these. A Christmas TV dinner? I would've been all over that as a kid, and to be honest, probably would've taken the chance even if I didn't have this dumb Advent Calendar to fill up. Christmas really snuck up on us this year. Children only had a few weekends and an upcoming short vacation to fill their brains up with memories of this ongoing holiday season. I could see Kid Cuisine's Christmas editions becoming one of those things people remember for years and years. I had "Christmas Crunch" and the sneaking suspicion that "After Eight" dinner mints were only meant to be eaten during December. What do kids today have?
Reindeer-shaped chicken nuggets. They win, I guess.
There's another kind of "Christmas Kid Cuisine" available, too. We'll be seeing that before the calendar runs its course. Trust me, it's a lot stranger than this one. And way too hands-on. Stay tuned...
Remember that Santa Claus 900 Line I did an article on earlier this month? A few readers chimed in with memories of another Santa hotline, and that's what we're looking at today. Not Santa's 900 line -- Mrs. Claus' 976 line. The differences weigh in at about a dollar a minute and six pounds of estrogen. Either way, at least this hotline wasn't making false promises about "presents for all who called."
Check out that low rent Santa -- easily one of the worst I've seen. Santa gives us the 411: he's real busy putting together that giant sack of toys, so while you're waiting for Christmas morning, Mrs. Claus will be reading Christmas stories over their hot new hotline. In the world of scams, this wasn't one of the heavy hitters. At least in my area, dialing a "976" number was only in the realm of 35 cents per call. Kids could call Mrs. Claus throughout December without coming close to the cost of a single conversation with a "psychic friend."
Eh, maybe I'm feeling generous, but this one was pretty harmless. Still, the commercial was absolute comedy, featuring a Santa Claus with a beard made from cotton balls and a face that paints him as a guy in his mid-twenties. Keep an eye out for the flashing "Mrs. Claus" logo, as if any kid in any culture in any history of any alternate universe has ever got excited about her. I guess Santa didn't want to further tarnish his name with another hotline scam -- it's not like his wife had any legacies worth saving.
Strange things were happening in the land of Playmobil. The ever-plotting Mare Winningham and her scout, Mysterious Boy, were up to something terrible. We're not sure what, but we know it must be terrible. Why? BECAUSE IT'S MARE.
With good-natured, snowman-protecting Mark Winningham out on the town, Mare seizes the opportunity to lure Mista Snowman into an icy chamber. There we find Playmobil's special gift for December 18th -- it's some kind of sleigh! What role could a sleigh play in a Christmas-themed advent calendar? Mare will leave that for the scholars...she just wants to fuck with Mista Snowman and steal his broom again.
Mare: So, what do you think? Pretty amazing, right?
Mista: Yeah it is! That's the biggest gift we've gotten yet!
Mare: "We've?"
M.B.: Don't blow it, Mare.
As Mare tries her best to keep up this horrible facade of friendship, Mark is off playing hockey. Despite some previous misgivings, he's happy that his sister is finally showing signs of kindness. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad Christmas after all. Maybe.
Mista: I don't think I can fit in here, guys. You sure this is a good idea?
Mare: Good idea? It's a great idea! Come on, you're telling me you don't want the sleigh?
Mista: You mean...I can keep it?! This is for me?! Gosh Mare...that's awfully swell of you.
Mare: Swell is my middle name.
M.B.: I thought "Rotten" was your --
Mare: Quiet.
Mare and Mysterious Boy leave Mista Snowman to his own devices, citing that snowmen need some "alone time" whenever they get gifts as big as sleighs. Mista Snowman wasn't sure what they meant, but went along with it in the spirit of the holidays. As his new pals disappeared from sight, a large door seemed to be closing in. "What's going on out there?!" Mista Snowman was curious, but that intrigue was about to turn to sheer fright. Mare kept up the charade like a true pro, but at the root of it...a Mare's gotta be a Mare. She's pure evil, through and through. Not "evil" like the neighbor dog who barks all night. "Evil" like the dude in "Total Recall" that threw goldfish all over the floor. Pure evil. Pure Mare.
Mare: Hurry! Get that door closed!
M.B.: Oh GOD, Mare...I'm not sure we should go through with this. This is REALLY bad.
Mare: You will close that door, Mysterious Boy.
M.B.: I will close this door, Mare Winningham. Hey, I didn't know you had Force powers!
Mare: Shit, either did I!!!
With the push of a single button, so much will change. What will become of Mista Snowman? Do we really want to know?
I haven't been this frightened since I won that radio contest to have brunch with James Avery.
