Over the past several weeks, I've been hoarding every instance of "Christmas edition" candy I could find. Now that we're getting so close to the big day, I'm realizing that there's no chance of getting to all of it. There's just too much damn Christmas candy. Here's an assorted batch of familiar favorites, souped up to reflect the holiday season. Some of these have already ran their course, as I've not seen them offered since the beginning of the month. I hope you don't salivate too much over these finds -- you may have some trouble locating 'em. Not that you'd actually weather the sea of mindless last-minute shoppers just to nab a snowflake-shaped Peppermint Pattie, but I just thought I'd warn you anyway. First up, Nestle's Crunch "Medallion." Mixing Christmas with Disney, the puck-shaped crackling chocolate dynasty is absolutely indestructible. I accidentally dropped and stepped on the thing, and was surprised to find that it hadn't even chipped. With my curiosity piqued, I threw the medallion at the wall several times -- still no breakage. Unfortunately, this doesn't make it "great eating," as you're gonna have to completely overwork your jaw just to break through the outer layer into the bumpy middle. Is it worth it? Mickey thinks so. Next, here's the York Peppermint Pattie "Snowflake." Same as the regular version...just snowflake shaped. Fun fact: these things are actually one of the healthiest (comparatively) chocolate candies out there. Even says so on the wrapper. That means you can eat five dozen Peppermint Patties without feeling guilty. Doesn't say that on the wrapper, but it's totally implied. Also worth noting: the rich mint found within these patties really clear out your sinuses. It's wasabi for chocolate lovers. Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers -- in Christmas colors! They're called "Snowballs," though unless you've seen red or green snowballs, Wonka just wanted a nondenominational title. They're Christmas Gobstoppers, and while the "everlasting" part is an unfortunate lie, they do last a while. Sorry, but I haven't clocked the total time needed to suck one down to nothing. I assume it's in the realm of 3-4 minutes. We need that Tootsie Roll Owl to broaden his horizons. Finally, here's a box of "Holiday Junior Mints." The only difference lies in the gooey filling -- aside from the usual milky/clear goop, some of the mints are now armed with red goop or green goop. They all taste perfectly alike, but I still found myself somehow drawn the most towards the red ones. Keep in mind, you have to finger-mash the mints to see what color goop is inside. Kinda negates the point, since you're supposed to eat 'em in a single bite. They did what they could, I guess. If you wait till December 26th, most of these offerings will be available at local pharmacies at 75% off retail. The only thing that can save us from post-Christmas depression is post-Christmas discounted Christmas candy prices. And drugs. Since I've got all this empty column space to fill up, here's a picture of my Christmas Tree. It's gaudy. It's just about to topple over. It's the Holy Spirit.	Here's an old K-Mart Christmas commercial -- it's actually pretty neat. Though the chain is mocked by virtually everyone, it's really all in the name. The only thing that separates K-Mart from Wal-Mart is a few letters and a sorta false stigma. Everything else is the same, and when it comes to toys, K-Mart might be overpriced...but at least they've got the shit in stock. Mostly because nobody will pay the inflated prices necessary to deplete that stock. I digress -- here's the commercial. The plot: a kid, a very wacky kid, wanders up to K-Mart's toy factory window, and look! It's full of elves! While most ads of this type only show generic wares (wooden trucks and the like), this one displays the real stuff. You may recognize some of the toys and games seen in the commercial, ranging from the "Sorry" board game to an old Strawberry Shortcake telephone toy. Not the best ad we've seen this month, but hey, it's free to download. Click here to watch the commercial! (click to enlarge) 12/19: SKI SHIT! Mare and Mysterious Boy celebrate their victory with Playmobil's special gift for December 19th -- it's a present...inside a present! Yes, a small gift box inside a larger gift box, containing a pair of skis. Mare doesn't ski, but she's keeping them anyway. M.B.: Well, we did it. I almost feel bad for that snowman. Mare: Uh huh. Take solace in knowing that his legacy will live on in this broom and top hat. Don't they look great on me? M.B.: You look like you're about to lead a troop of elephants through a big tent. Mare: What does that mean? M.B.: I'm not sure, actually. Mark: Hey guys! Mare, I gotta thank you...that ice pond you told me about ROCKED! I scored goal after goal after goal. What a day! Mare: Glad to be of service, dear brother. Mark: I see you're wearing Mista Snowman's top hat again. See? He's more than happy to share so long as you're nice to him. Mare: You're so right. I don't know what I was thinking. Mark: Mind if I have a sip of that water? I'm exhausted... Mark: ...and after shooting goals from every corner of the pond, I even nailed one from behind a tree! I'm telling you, nothing could stop me out there. I really should've gone pro. Mare: We're both very proud of you, Mark. How do the kids say it? "You da bomb?" Mark: Thanks! Say, where is that Mista Snowman at, anyway? I want to tell him about my hockey adventures. Mare: Mista Snowman? Mark: Yeah, you know....tall white guy? Made of snow? Your former arch-nemesis? The apple of my eye? Mare: Oh him! Well... Mark: Don't tell me you two got in another fight?! Mare: No, no. It's nothing like that. Mark: Well, then where is he? Mare: Oh, Mark. You're drinking him. And there it was. Mare hadn't "gone good" at all. She was just as evil as ever. She'd nuked Mista Snowman, melting our hero down to a pitiful puddle of holy water. Mare wasn't just a bad girl -- she was a murderer. With only a few days left till Christmas, it'd take a severe miracle to turn this holiday around. As Mark gazes sadly toward his fallen friend, Mare and Mysterious Boy prance away, giggling over his grief. A Christmas story without a happy ending? Is that even legal? TO BE CONTINUED!!! - Matt (12/19/03)