Ah, now here's something we can really sink our collective teethies into. You've already read about my passion for Cap'n Crunch's Christmas Crunch, though I admitted that, at the root, I don't even like Cap'n Crunch too much. I dealt with those misgivings in the spirit of Christmas. "Winter Lucky Charms" cuts out the bullshit. It's a cereal I've always loved, and when you add Christmas to the mix, we're dealing with a real contender.
When you strip away the colorful characters and assorted stigmas attached to cereal brands, my two all-time favorites are "Count Chocula" and "Lucky Charms." It'll be a cold day in someplace typically HOT before the Count nails himself a Christmas-themed cereal, so looks like Lucky Charms is the opus by default. General Mills is consisted of generally good people, so they've made my wishes come true: Winter Lucky Charms isn't just a "Christmas cereal" in nondenominational name...it's completely rewrites the script and chucks brand new, festive marshmallows at us from every angle. We've spent the month figuring out the best ways to eat the holidays. "Winter Lucky Charms" definitely takes care of the breakfast portion.
The box is completely revamped, in an icy blue with foil trim. The only points that've remained static are the logo and Lucky himself, though now he's wearing earmuffs. Oh, is it just me, or have Lucky's eyebrows become much fuzzier over the years? I know this happens with age, but you never see signs of that shit on the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. I swear, you turn your back for a few measly years, and everything changes. Lucky has a pubic brow, the Pillsbury Doughboy grew a nose -- it just never ends. I miss the old Lucky. The Lucky with small eyebrows. The Lucky who occasionally rode white whales for spirited, limited edition "swirly whale marshmallow" promotions. The Lucky that didn't have hairy bugs growing on his face. Santa brought me Christmas edition Lucky Charms cereal this year. Next year, I want the old Lucky back.
Actually, no. I'd rather have a new car than an old Lucky. Sorry, Lucky -- you're staying fuzzy.
The cereal tastes just as it always has, but the marshmallow shapes and colors are completely different. Still chalky, but different. Let's examine this temporary anomaly of the cereal aisle -- keep in mind, these will be very gone very soon. You've only got a short time to experience Lucky's winter marshmallows. Grab your keys and a fiver.
According to the box, here's what we're looking at:
Top Row: Snowman, Wreath, Present. Bottom Row: Pine Tree, Stocking, Ornament.
There's also a "Candy Cane" marshmallow that I neglected to photograph. Oops. Notice how they wouldn't use the dreaded C-word? Just as this obviously Christmas cereal gets mucked up with the lame "Winter" moniker, General Mills dared refer to one of the marshmallows as a "Pine Tree." Oh, COME ON. What the Hell is up with this? It's a strange world when we'd sooner see the word "fuck" on a box of Lucky Charms than the word "Christmas." It's an even stranger world when none of Lucky's marshmallows look anything like what he claims. Considering that, here's a closer definition of what we're looking at up above:
Top Row: Nose, Scalped Ninja Turtle, Blue Ass In Thong. Bottom Row: CHRISTMAS Tree, Italy, Fishing Bobber.
And that's all I've gotta say about "Winter Lucky Charms." Merry Christmas.
Okay, this commercial is a whole lot cooler than any old Kodak ad has any right to be. It's for some then-new camera with now-obsolete technology, but the important thing is that the commercial is Christmas-themed, with tons of toys coming alive to play with cameras. Included in the lot is a scary porcelain doll who repeats her sentences, a wacky bear, and something that looks a lot like R2-D2 painted with bird shit.
Before the age of digital media technology, plenty of kids asked for things like this for Christmas. Flipping through my family's photo albums, I've noticed that virtually every Christmas morning featured one or more of my older brothers basking in the glow of their new Kodaks. You could even argue that the pictures in the photo albums were taken with Kodak cameras. Kodak, Kodak, everywhere. Dreaming of a Kodak Christmas. Anyway, you probably think this ad is skippable, and it is, but why bother? You're already here...go ahead and click.
Playmobil's gift for December 21st was a lovely pink teddy bear, shown above in the filthy paws of one Mare Winningham. Whether Playmobil intended for the gift to fall into such hedonistic clutches is up for debate, but certainly, nobody expected Mista Snowman or Mark Winningham to spend the holidays either liquefied or tied up on a bench.
That's the thing about Christmas. Despite all the wonderful things that remain unchanged through the years, it'll always surprise you.
Mark is forced to waste the Christmas season resting, while his one true friend is forced to waste the Christmas season trapped in an old soda bottle. Neither are particularly happy about it.
As bad as the holiday is shaping up to be, Mark tries to remember that Christmas is all about miracles. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Some can be shaped like puppies, others can approximate the size of crows. The hope for a miracle is all Mark has left...
Pauly: Arf?
Bird: Caw, caw. Caw caw caw.
Pauly: Arf, arf arf. Arf arf arf, arf?
Bird: CAW.
Pauly: Arf.
I'm not sure what's brewing here, but it smells kind of nice.
