NERDS! This past October, we saw the good ol' Wonka company engulf itself in the holiday spirit with their "Halloween edition" Nerds candy, and now, they're at it again. Big time. Not limiting themselves to a few mere color changes with their packaging and candy dyes, Wonka has turned Nerds into something incredibly Christmassy. Let's take a look...
The original "Nerds" have been revamped with new Christmas colors, flavors, and silly boxes with lots of snowflakes. The familiar pebbles have all been dyed in sinisterly festive shades of red, green and white, while the flavors range from tangy cherry to sweet watermelon, and even an insidious entity known only as "punch." Three flavors per box, so they're already kicking non-holiday Nerds' ass all over the candy aisle.
The big box is probably the one you're most familiar with; the little boxes are sold by the bag. These smaller containers are meant to serve as stocking stuffers, complete with tiny gift tags. Yeah, like anyone would want to draw attention to the fact that they gave someone a 2" box of Nerds for Christmas. It's the thought that counts. It might just be my inner holiday spirit talking, but this has got to be the best combination of flavors in Nerds history. Some mixes have been way too sweet or sour, but this? Total Christmas miracle. Added bonus: the candy bits look exactly like the droppings of a small rodent who ate fruitcake.
The fun doesn't stop there -- check out this special Christmas edition "Nerds Rope." Holy fucking candy mania. How do I describe this? Okay, picture one of those "sour straw" candies -- but picture it after you've sucked off all the naughty grains of salty sand sugar. What you're left with is an almost-glowing, semi-wet strand of fruit goodness. That's the spine of a Nerds rope -- a glowing, red candy spine covered in Christmas Nerds candy. Incredible.
Nerds Ropes aren't terribly easy to eat, unless you're used to shoving all kinds of candy in your mouth at once. It's a flavor sensation on par with injecting liquid sugar into your forehead while simultaneous eating three different cakes. Fortunately, Nerds Ropes cost less and won't leave marks on your skull. The strand is cheap, around a foot in length, and makes satisfying sounds when you whip it against hard surfaces. It's all of that and more, and yet, it's not even the best of Nerds' Christmas crap...
It's the Nerds Candy official "Blizzerd!" Finally, we've got a physical manifestation of those zany little big-nosed mascots. If you've never, you know, looked at the boxes, these dudes are essentially what you're eating. They're the "Nerds." Sometimes, even nerds get to wear sunglasses. Additionally, sometimes nerds even get to have little drawers in their ass that hold vast supplies of candy. Factor in the two free mini-boxes of candy, and you're looking at one Hell of a deal. The "Blizzerd" creature is about four inches long, on a yellow sled, and it even comes with a keychain hook so you can fondle its nuts whenever you drive your car.
I've bought pretty much every holiday-themed edible I could find over the past few weeks, and Nerds definitely rank as one of the most spirited. They didn't half-ass this whole "Christmas" thing. I don't think they're gonna give Santa-shaped guest soap a run for their money, but as far as their candy comrades go, Nerds just upped the ante in a big way. A+.
Nestle Cookies. Not sure if they're a Christmas staple, but come on...Christmas cookies can certainly be made from Nestle materials. Following that, here's a holiday commercial from the big boys at Chocolate-N Headquarters. Nothing too fancy...a family consisting of very small children and very very old people share memories while shoving cookie dough onto cake pans. The kids don't ask to lick the spoon, but then, I didn't notice any spoons in the commercial.
Oh look, a Christmas Tree. Now it all fits together. I dunno -- we've got a lot of commercials to get through, but some are more noteworthy than others. Obviously, this ain't one of my faves. Still, if you're the type who salivates at the cliche shot of steaming, melting chocolate chips used in every cookie dough commercial in history, this will make you...well, salivate. They made a whole song to go along with the action, too. You love songs!
Mista Snowman and Bird, now past their former sharing problems, looked forward to opening Playmobil's special box for December 6th. I'm sure they assumed they'd be getting another toboggan, or perhaps a set of mittens knitted with festive green yarn. I mean, it's a pretty small giftbox. It's not like anything too major could be in there. Definitely not a human being or anything, right?
(click to enlarge)
12/6: MARE IS BACK!
Wrong. Mare Winningham is BACK. X-E readers who were around for last year's Advent Calendar might remember her -- the star of such 80s dynamos as "St. Elmo's Fire" and more shitty Lifetime movies that that little calculator in your "Accessories" folder can count, Mare Winningham and her thirty-five evil twins were all over last year's calendar. Now, she's returned. Now, she's a brunette!
Fortunately, this new Mare Winningham seems more jovial than some of her sisters from last year. Or is it a ruse? Poor, innocent Mista Snowman has no idea what he's going up against. A relative newbie in the world of Playmobil calendars, our fleetingly solid hero is not wise to the ways of one Mare Winningham. Now that she's been freed, we're left to wonder if she's a sole proprietor...or merely one of the many Mare Winnighams yet to bust out of those gift boxes. I smell trouble. And where does Bird fit into this? What's Bird's stance? So many unanswered questions and puzzling riddles. Let's sleep on it and see what comes alive after we open tomorrow's gift. Cross your fingers for the forces of good.
