Six feet of Bubble Tape? Nope. Try ten. To celebrate the holidays, the good folks at Bubble Tape have unleashed a new flavor -- "Berry Chill" -- and they're giving you four extra feet of it. That's a whole lotta gum. Kinda throws a big kink in the chain of everyone who lives by their ability to chew the entire contents of a Bubble Tape container all at once.
As someone experienced in this phenom, I know firsthand just how tough it is once you get past the fourth foot. The fifth is a stretch, while the sixth is something only the most elite can brag about chewing on. Now you're dealing with ten feet of Bubble Tape. I'm not sure if it's even possible to fit that much gum in a person's mouth, and sue me, but I don't feel like being the guinea pig. The spirit of Christmas is famous for knowing no bounds, but the perils of trying to breathe with ten feet of gum in my mouth would end that charade real quick.
You might expect the flavor to be something along the lines of Wrigley's "Winterfresh," but it's as fruity as ever. It's eerily reminiscent of Bubblicious' "Paradise Punch," the long-standing champion of SO SOUR YOU'LL DIE chewing gum brands. And to think...you only had to handle small cubes of Paradise Punch. With Berry Chill, you could easily fill 40% of your head with gum before realizing the problems therein. Winter is full of things we have to be more careful about. The roads are icy and dangerous, we can catch cold much easier, and gum can fill our heads and make us explode. Creatures of the Spring might feel justified, but no fat guys are gonna bring 'em presents. We'll take the risk and stick to our guns. Gums.
I've gotta admit: this stuff is an impressive sight. The container is almost double the normal size, with a festive foil logo sticker and winter blue color scheme -- ain't no way you'd mistake this for an Easter offering. There's also a quiet solace in knowing that you'll never really run out of gum. I mean, ever. You're getting ten feet of gum that's too tangy to eat more than once every few weeks, so there's a good chance you'll still have some Berry Chill left by the time you hit 50.
And by then, who knows? Maybe relics of Bubble Tape's past will be worth billions. You'll have a small fortune in really stale Christmas gum, and since you'll be 50, they'll be more important things to spend the reward money on than additional bubble gum.
As the container is sorta ridiculously large, I'm not so sure that Bubble Tape will repeat the offering for future seasons. If this shit looks interesting to you, buy it now and buy it often. Just not too often. Once you've got 200 feet of gum, you've hit overkill. Santa hates people who hit overkill, especially when it involves gum. He's weird like that.
Here's a quick and easy one -- Crayola, peddling their various crayon varieties as great stocking stuffers. It's no lie. I was always real insistent than my mother fill up a Christmas stocking for me. The presents in 'em were never anything spectacular, but after seeing all of the holiday toons and specials where everyone's got one of the things, how was I supposed to miss out? Virtually every year during my youth, a 64-box of Crayola Crayons was in that stocking. I seemed to enjoy getting them more and more with each passing year. Added bonus: as the years progressed, there was less and less of a chance that I'd just end up eating the crayons. So keep 'em coming and all that, Mom.
See? That little girl up there was happy to receive crayons for Christmas. Not everyone needs a pony or their own island. Now she can draw herself a prettier face.
As some have previously noticed, Mista Snowman had a hole in one of his paws. Now we've found out why -- on today, December 8th, Playmobil has granted Mista Snowman his very own broom. He never voiced any interest in owning a broom, but there it is. Oh well, Mista Snowman seems happy with it. Always nice to get a gift.
While past entries painted Mista Snowman as a poor sharer, he gladly let Mare borrow the broom. And his hat. Hmmm. Come to think of it, I never actually saw Mare ask permission. She just sorta appeared out of nowhere wearing all of Mista Snowman's stuff. Something was fishy, but nobody was talking. Is Mare out to keep Mista Snowman from his rightful role as star of Playmobil's Advent Calendar? Is she trying to usurp that painstakingly chosen title? With our clues limited to an evil crow and a seemingly forgotten toboggan, there's nothing we can do but wait this thing out.
I just hope Mista Snowman knows what he's doing out there...
