- December 11, 2004 -

CLAIRE: Look at them! Fools! Sleeping the night away! Did they really think I would play their silly reindeer games? Nickname or not, I'm Mare Winningham. I was born to kill. If the Mare before me honestly believes she can set a decent path for the many Mares who will follow, then that's all the more reason to give in to my primal urges and squish her still-beating heart into a pile of rocks. And I'll kill the kids too, just because they're fucking there.

CLAIRE: But I must savor this conquest! Every minute of it! I don't want to blow my hand on mere gunplay -- that's too quick! I should revel in each moment that they grow closer to doom! Still, I need to do something bad to shake off the heebie jeebies I got from pretending to be nice! I'm more talkative when I'm all alone. Oh wait, I know! I'll open today's gift box while they're still asleep! That'll piss 'em off!

CLAIRE: Oh now what in the holy Christ is this piece of shit? A cat statue? It's too light to even bludgeon someone with!

CLAIRE: No way, this won't do. I haven't gotten my evil fix. I must think bigger.

CLAIRE: Ah, now this is the stuff. A bomb! Why didn't I think of that before? Now I can easily vanquish the greatest foe of all Mares! An enemy so powerful, only this triple-charged megabomb could possibly claim victory!

WAITERBOT: Hey Claire, what are you doing down there? Why are you making a bomb? The guys won't like that.

CLAIRE: What. The fuck. Are you?

WAITERBOT: Einstein the Waiterbot. I came from a sushi restaurant.

CLAIRE: I eat sushi for dinner.

CLAIRE: So I guess you heard all about my little plan, huh? Well, you better not tell anyone.

WAITERBOT: Yeah right! Soon as they wake up, it's the first thing they'll hear! I'll beat the damn rooster!

CLAIRE: Hmm...perhaps you could be swayed with the promise of...a new body?

WAITERBOT: Why I've never heard such a -- hey wait, did you say honey, and nuts?

CLAIRE: That's right, Waiterbot. A new body. A new pair of legs, a new pair of arms. An eight inch love missile. It could all be yours for the price of silence.

WAITERBOT: I can't believe I'm agreeing to this -- it's so wrong!

CLAIRE: Don't worry, my friend. My bomb isn't going to hurt anybody you know.


CLAIRE: Cross my black heart. Now, stand perfectly still as I recite the Forbidden Chant. Blusha blusha blooga, maki maki Something.

WAITERBOT: Hey, how come everyone around here knows voodoo?

CLAIRE: I said stay still you idiot.

CLAIRE: There! A new body is yours to command!

WAITERBOT: Oh my God! I'm whole again! And I'm foxy!

WAITERBOT: I feel terrific! With this new body, never again will anyone talk down to me!

CLAIRE: Exactly, my soldier! You will be the perfect muscle to aid in my gruesome plans. I salivate at the thought of putting you to the test, likely against a helpless newborn.

WAITERBOT: Put me to the test? Soldier?! Are you out of your mind, lady?! Look at these pecs -- I don't have to listen to anyone anymore!

CLAIRE: Really now. Well check this out...

CLAIRE: You make one wrong move, and I pull the invisible trigger on this wand. Because I created you, I also control you. I can put you through tormenting pain. Do you want to experience tormenting pain?

WAITERBOT: Youuu fiend! You tricked me! I will never be your slave!

CLAIRE: Look, just stick with me until Christmas, and then you can go free. Until then, you cross me once, and it's migraines for a month.

WAITERBOT: I guess I have no choice...

CLAIRE: Can you believe these toads?! They've slept through everything that's gone on tonight!

WAITERBOT: Master, where are we taking this bomb?

CLAIRE: To the winter residence...of an old friend.