- December 11, 2004 -
 CLAIRE: Look at them! Fools! Sleeping the night away! Did they really think I would play their silly reindeer games? Nickname or not, I'm Mare Winningham. I was born to kill. If the Mare before me honestly believes she can set a decent path for the many Mares who will follow, then that's all the more reason to give in to my primal urges and squish her still-beating heart into a pile of rocks. And I'll kill the kids too, just because they're fucking there.  CLAIRE: But I must savor this conquest! Every minute of it! I don't want to blow my hand on mere gunplay -- that's too quick! I should revel in each moment that they grow closer to doom! Still, I need to do something bad to shake off the heebie jeebies I got from pretending to be nice! I'm more talkative when I'm all alone. Oh wait, I know! I'll open today's gift box while they're still asleep! That'll piss 'em off!  CLAIRE: Oh now what in the holy Christ is this piece of shit? A cat statue? It's too light to even bludgeon someone with!  CLAIRE: No way, this won't do. I haven't gotten my evil fix. I must think bigger.  CLAIRE: Ah, now this is the stuff. A bomb! Why didn't I think of that before? Now I can easily vanquish the greatest foe of all Mares! An enemy so powerful, only this triple-charged megabomb could possibly claim victory!  WAITERBOT: Hey Claire, what are you doing down there? Why are you making a bomb? The guys won't like that. CLAIRE: What. The fuck. Are you? WAITERBOT: Einstein the Waiterbot. I came from a sushi restaurant. CLAIRE: I eat sushi for dinner.  CLAIRE: So I guess you heard all about my little plan, huh? Well, you better not tell anyone. WAITERBOT: Yeah right! Soon as they wake up, it's the first thing they'll hear! I'll beat the damn rooster! CLAIRE: Hmm...perhaps you could be swayed with the promise of...a new body? WAITERBOT: Why I've never heard such a -- hey wait, did you say honey, and nuts? CLAIRE: That's right, Waiterbot. A new body. A new pair of legs, a new pair of arms. An eight inch love missile. It could all be yours for the price of silence.  WAITERBOT: I can't believe I'm agreeing to this -- it's so wrong! CLAIRE: Don't worry, my friend. My bomb isn't going to hurt anybody you know. WAITERBOT: Promise? CLAIRE: Cross my black heart. Now, stand perfectly still as I recite the Forbidden Chant. Blusha blusha blooga, maki maki Something. WAITERBOT: Hey, how come everyone around here knows voodoo? CLAIRE: I said stay still you idiot.  CLAIRE: There! A new body is yours to command! WAITERBOT: Oh my God! I'm whole again! And I'm foxy!  WAITERBOT: I feel terrific! With this new body, never again will anyone talk down to me! CLAIRE: Exactly, my soldier! You will be the perfect muscle to aid in my gruesome plans. I salivate at the thought of putting you to the test, likely against a helpless newborn. WAITERBOT: Put me to the test? Soldier?! Are you out of your mind, lady?! Look at these pecs -- I don't have to listen to anyone anymore! CLAIRE: Really now. Well check this out...  CLAIRE: You make one wrong move, and I pull the invisible trigger on this wand. Because I created you, I also control you. I can put you through tormenting pain. Do you want to experience tormenting pain? WAITERBOT: Youuu fiend! You tricked me! I will never be your slave! CLAIRE: Look, just stick with me until Christmas, and then you can go free. Until then, you cross me once, and it's migraines for a month. WAITERBOT: I guess I have no choice...  CLAIRE: Can you believe these toads?! They've slept through everything that's gone on tonight! WAITERBOT: Master, where are we taking this bomb? CLAIRE: To the winter residence...of an old friend. |
