- December 14, 2004 -

MARE: Quick boys, open up the box and stash the gift before Claire gets back!

KNACKS: Mare, wouldn't that be wrong, though? Wouldn't we be sinking to her level by doing something like that?

MARE: This is no time for fair play, Knacks -- the fate of the entire world is at stake! You don't know what my kind are capable of! Claire isn't going to just keep being nasty and malevolent...the girl's gonna try to do some really fucked up shit!

CLAIRE: Ummm...excuse me?

MARE: Fudge.

CLAIRE: I believe that box is for Team Evil. Hand it on over.

MARE: No way, Claire -- you may have magic and the strength of Waiterbot on your side, but we're not giving up! We'll fight you until we've got no gas left! To the death!

BOX #14: Hey stop banging me around.

MARE: And one more thing -- hey wait, did the box just talk?

CLAIRE: I thought I heard it too. That's creepy.


CLAIRE: Okay, everybody heard it that time, right?

KUSE: Uh huh.



MARE: Should we open it?

CLAIRE: It might not like that. Whatever's inside might try to kill you. Open it.

KNACKS: Man can you imagine how cool would be if this box came yesterday, complete with the whole "unlucky 13" stigma attached? We'd be like one campfire slaughter away from a slasher movie.


JIM: There, that's better! Volunteering to be stuck in the box for Playmobil's devil device seemed like such a good idea at the time. How could they forget to poke air holes?

KUSE: Who are you?

JIM: Random Jim, I'm good at tennis.

KUSE: What do you have to do with Christmas?

JIM: I snuck in under the radar by virtue of sweater colors alone.

MARE: Welcome to the party! I'm Mare Winningham. #88.

JIM: Pffft...no fucking way. Like I'm really standing here talking to a real Mare. Pull your cockamamie crap on someone who wasn't born yesterday.

KUSE: Dude, it's true. I helped resurrect her.

JIM: Well, I learned a long time ago to lay reckless trust upon those I've just met, so okay, I believe you. Mare, this is an honor!

MARE: It's nice to meet you, Random Jim. I'm sure we'll have great times together.

CLAIRE: Excuse me, hello? Remember me....Claire? Rightful owner of the contents of Box #14? If I may audibly get in touch with my inner Brandy, the boy is mine.

JIM: Yours? What are you talking about?

MARE: Sigh. Random Jim, meet Claire. She's another Mare.

JIM: Okay, now one maybe I'll believe, but there's no way in Hell I'm standing here with two Mare Winninghams.

CLAIRE: Believe it buster. Now join Waiterbot at the slave table. When I think up some use for you, you'll be whipped until you're done.

JIM: What?! You're crazy lady...Mare Winningham or not, I'm my own man.

WAITERBOT: I think you should perhaps rephrase what you are saying in a completely opposite way, before your neck becomes my chicken snack.

JIM: You're sick! All of you!

CLAIRE: Now now, don't be harsh. I promise to take good care of you. Example: I temporarily suspended my "no use of bathrooms" rule so Waiterbot could stop having to squat in the woods.

JIM: That's disgusting.

CLAIRE: We're disgusting. We are Team Evil.

CLAIRE: Don't move a muscle until I tell you to. Should you disobey, Waiterbot will pretend your teeth are Chiclets and spit 'em into your eyes when he's done chewing them.

JIM: You won't get away with this, Claire! Mare and those little while folks will save me!

CLAIRE: Guy, even if they do, you'll sooo be damaged goods by then. Write "LIFE" on a piece of paper, fold in into an airplane, kiss it, and fly that bitch away.

KNACKS: Queen Mare, sire, we can't let them get away with this! Random Jim is totally innocent! And he likes us!

MARE: I know, I know -- there's no time to waste! But there's hope! Yesterday I may have stumbled upon the solution for our problems...

MARE: Remember the books we got a few days ago? Turns out they're spellbooks. I'm thinking maybe there's a spell in one of them that can stop Claire!

KNACKS: A flawless plan, sire.

KUSE: But how fast can you read these things? It's not like we have a whole lot of time here.

MARE: I won't really read them, I'll just keep scanning for the word "Claire" until I find something. It can't be in there too many times. If that doesn't work, the books are pretty heavy -- I can just wail 'em at her head and hope she goes into a coma.

KNACKS: Two flawless plans.

MARE: Now, you two need to stand guard so I can get to work -- if you see Claire coming, tell me IMMEDIATELY. If she sees me reading these books, she'll know something's up.

CLAIRE: Hmmm. Waiterbot, should I turn him into a toad or should I turn him into a woman?

WAITERBOT: Maybe do both. Make him a frog lady.

JIM: Don't I get a say in this?

CLAIRE: Sure. Do you want eight eyes or just one?

KUSE: Well Knacks, it's finally happened. Claire has a new slave, Waiterbot's the tallest, and Mare it totally centric to the plot.

KNACKS: What are you getting at?

KUSE: We've turned into bit players, Knacks.