- Late November, 2004 -
 KUSE: I'm telling you, this is crazy! We've been out here for hours! It's not happening! KNACKS: Shhh -- we came this far, what difference does it make now? Besides, all of the legends, every single one of them, say that Mare's remains were buried somewhere in this forest.  KUSE: But what are we going to do with them? I love Mare as much as the next guy, but it's not like there's a reward out for her corpse. KNACKS: Idiot! Don't you understand? We're on the threshold of forming a great cult! Think about it. Once we dig up Mare's body, we can trim out her skull and use it to prove that we and only we are worthy of fronting the GCM. KUSE: The GCM? KNACKS: The Great Cult of Mare.  KNACKS: Sometimes I don't even know why I bring you along on these things. KUSE: Knacks, Knacks! LOOK. BEHIND. YOU. KNACKS: That old gag? Who do I look like, what's his name...Will Smith's brother? Cousin? Carlton, I think? What do you think, I'm like him? KUSE: Turn the fuck around!  KUSE: Knacks...holy shit...you were right. KNACKS: I told you! I TOLD YOU! I knew we'd find her if we kept looking! Woo hoo!! KUSE: She died last year? KNACKS: Man, what kind of Mare fan are you? Yes she died last year. She fucked around with some snowman dude, and when Santa arrived on Christmas Eve, he beat her senseless and fed her to the Rancor. So, whatever we find under that dirt ain't gonna be pretty. KUSE: So Mare was evil! KNACKS: Oh yeah. Like queen megabitch ruler of the emperor of the GALAXIES of evil. KUSE: Mare Winningham? You sure? KNACKS: If you saw her picture, you'd understand.  KUSE: "I'm sposta dig." KNACKS: Huh? KUSE: "I'm sapussta dig." KNACKS: What are you talking about? KUSE: You never saw Stir of Echoes? KNACKS: Ohhhh. "You're supposta dig." Well that's...that's very nice.  KNACKS: I guess this is her. KUSE: Not much meat left on her bones, huh? KNACKS: Not enough to get excited about, that's for sure.  KUSE: How are we gonna get her back home? KNACKS: I dunno. I hadn't planned on Mare's skeleton being twice as large and heavy as the living version. KUSE: Are you sure it's really her? KNACKS: You saw what the sign said, didn't you?  LATER... KUSE: Ugh...we're stinking up the whole house with this corpse! I thought we only needed the skull?! KNACKS: Well, we would've if we were going through with my original plan. But I think I have a better idea... KUSE: Soup? KNACKS: No. Check this shit out...  KNACKS: I'm gonna resurrect our queen! KUSE: With that?! No way. KNACKS: Listen, you can tell from the way this statue looks that it's gotta be able to perform some kinda voodoo trick, right? KUSE: Yeah, but of all the voodoo tricks, what makes you think it's going to be resurrection? KNACKS: What other kinds of voodoo tricks are there?  KNACKS: RISE RISE RISE, NOW NOW NOW, THIS IS THE, BEST CHANT EVER.  KNACKS: It's working, it's working! Kuse, quick, get over here!  KNACKS: Mare! Our mistress! We bow before you! Welcome back! KUSE: Ditto, yadda yadda yadda.  MARE: Thank you, Knacks. Thank you, Kuse. It's great to be here. KNACKS: So Miss Winningham, I know you've been dead for a year -- wanna beat the piss out of me or kill my dog or something? MARE: Oh no, no no no, nothing like that. Not anymore, anyway. Being dead has really helped me prioritize what's important. If I'm being given a chance to live life anew, I won't be wasting it on mindless violence and endless, endless orgies with perfect strangers. KUSE: Borrrring. KNACKS: Shut up you ninny! This is our queen!  LATER... MARE: ...well, if you're asking if Santa was hard on me, yeah, I guess he was a little bit hard on me. But it's not like I didn't have it coming. I was such a meanie back then. KNACKS: So what was it like being dead, really? MARE: There were brief moments where I was consciously aware of the fact that I was dead. It's really hard to put into words, but in those moments, I remember being really pissed that I couldn't eat chicken anymore. KNACKS: Ah, fan of the KFC, huh? MARE: That's the weird thing. I never liked chicken before. KNACKS: Well, maybe for Christmas, I can get you a big bucket of chicken. MARE: Christmas?! Wait a second -- what's the date? What month are we in? KUSE: It's November 30th, I think.  MARE: November 30th?! Come with me! There is something the both of you must see!  MARE: Keep peddling, we're almost there!  KNACKS: Miss Winningham, my queen, where have you taken us?! This place looks scary! KUSE: No it doesn't. It looks Christmassy. MARE: Right you are, Kuse. Friends, we stand on sacred ground. This malfunction in the universe's growing creation has existed for a millennia, and each year, it spends the Christmas season crapping out presents. They call it the "Advent Calendar." I myself was born on one of these babies. KUSE: What does this have to do with us? MARE: Don't you see? We've claimed this year's Advent Calendar! Its gifts are ours to share and treasure! Everyday from tomorrow through Christmas, it'll give us another present! KNACKS: But they're all just hanging there, my queen! Can't we just open 'em all up now? MARE: I don't have a good explanation to back this up with, but no. We have to play by the rules. Besides, I'm good now, remember? Rulebreakers aren't good, save for the early stages of one "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's face turn. KNACKS: Wow, we get presents!  KNACKS: See that, Kuse? Mare's only been alive for a few minutes, and already she's improving our lives. A whole month of presents, just for us! KUSE: It's pretty hard to muster up enthusiasm when it's so clear that she likes you better than me. MARE: Okay kids, come, sit and stare at this box with me until the stroke of midnight. |
