KNACKS: I told you we could use oranges for tree ornaments.
KUSE: You say it like I was disagreeing. I'm the one who suggested it.
KNACKS: I have a much different recollection of the events...
KNACKS: ...and then after you tried to dodge into the back room to powernap after your argument-loss, I had Mr. Snowman block your exit and I kept shoving oranges in your face until you finally agreed to see if it would work. It did, and that's when I said "I told you we could use oranges for tree ornaments."
KUSE: How could you possibly make up a story like that and possibly think there's any possible chance I would buy it? I was right there and it was two minutes ago! I said, "Hey, we got no ornaments. Let's use fruit."
KNACKS: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just admire our pretty Christmas tree and be thankful that the respective odors of Balsam Fir and oranges compliment each other so well. Look close and you'll see snow trim; look closer and you'll even see the Christmas Star.
KUSE: That ain't the friggin' Christmas Star.
KNACKS: Is that what you got today?
KUSE: No Knacks, a wild yellow caboose just magically appeared in our lair/lobby from out of nowhere.
KNACKS: I was just trying to make polite conversation.
KUSE: Well stop it.
KUSE: Say, isn't that your box behind me?
KNACKS: Shhhhh! I'm skipping today. It won't be no thang.
KUSE: Dude you already lost one of the boxes...Santa will kill you if you just start skipping them outright. I don't care if it sucks, just open it. If you don't like it, so what? It's not like you have to do anything with it.
KNACKS: That's not the point. It's the principles involved. I'm a very principled person, Kuse. Like Rooney and Belding before me.
KNACKS: Why...it's a vaguely hallowed out chunk of wood! What a wonderful gift!
KUSE: Oh come on, it's not so bad. Think of all the great things you could make out of this wood.
KNACKS: Maybe you're right. I could be jumping the gun. Maybe this chunk of wood is something really cool and I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
KUSE: Actually, there's a little tag on the side of it. This is just a trough for your roosters and ducks to eat out of.
KNACKS: Oh sweet mother of fucker, Jesus holy and shit.
KNACKS: Well, at least my duck and rooster and swan all look happy.
KUSE: True that. It's like people always say, Knacks. "If my duck's happy, I'm happy."
KNACKS: What is that shit we're feeding them with, anyway?
KUSE: I don't know. Cardboard or something.
KNACKS: "If my duck's happy, I'm happy." Sigh.
KUSE: I know it's tough, pal. Maybe Santa's just fucking with you until the 24th rolls around when he'll go all Rod Roddy on your ass with a new car.
KNACKS: Do you really think that's it? I guess this could just be a test to make sure I care about more than just presents. What do you think?
KUSE: Well, I mean, it's a hypothesis way skewed towards the fleeting and reaching, but at this point, I think you should just grasp at whatever straws you can.
KNACKS: Okay, I'm going to do it.
KUSE: Ironically, at this rate, you might actually get straws tomorrow.
KNACKS: What's that?!
KUSE: From me to you, buddy. Figured you deserved at least one cool gift this month.
KNACKS: What's with the sudden show of friendship and graciousness and shiny hearts?
KUSE: Let's call it whatever you just called it and nevermind the fact that I'm just regifting something Fireman gave me yesterday.
KNACKS: Holy cap!
KUSE: Yeah, we're all pretty sick of looking that weird hole on top of your head, but I'm morally opposed to you putting the Vader helmet back on. This hat seemed like the solution to the world's troubles.
KNACKS: I don't see any labels. What brand is this?
KUSE: Brand Xssssssssss.
KNACKS: Guhhhhet me Lieutenant Egghaaaaaaaaaaar.
KNACKS: Fits like a glove -- a glove for my head!
KUSE: Oh no. I didn't factor in the chance that you'd opt to wear it sideways. Oh God I can't look at this for another two weeks. Please please PLEASE put it forwards, or even backwards.
KNACKS: Word Life.
MEANWHILE...
INKY: Oh Mrs. Claus we're going to have so much fun together yes! You'll teach me to bake and you'll teach me to clean and you'll teach me to sing! We'll share secrets, and we'll share clothes! Don't be afraid, I won't let anyone hurt you so long as you LEND ME YOUR EAR AND PANTIES.
WAITERBOT: Inky! You can make everyone uncomfortable later! Now we must work!
WAITERBOT: It's going to take our combined strength to move all of the shit from my old pad into Santa's house!
MARE: I call first dibs on the master bedroom.
WAITERBOT: We're going to have a problem if you keep "dibssing" whenever we hijack something cool.
MARE: We already have a problem, Waiterbot. We're just choosing to ignore for however long it remains convenient.
