MARE: What do you mean, "meh?" That was one of the greatest movies I've ever seen! What a landmark film! How on Earth can you feel anything but blessed that you just saw what you just saw? Long live the King!
KUSE: I stand by my "meh," Mare. That movie had no right -- NO RIGHT -- being three hours long. There was easily enough extraneous junk in there to trim thirty minutes out. Easily. It's like Jackson said, "Well, nobody's gonna credit me directly if the monkey looks good, so I'm gonna need to pile on at least an hour worth of character-building bullshit so everyone can talk up my character-building abilities." I'm sticking with "meh."
MARE: Okay, you're officially nuts...
MARE: That was a beautiful movie. The fact that I left the theater and it took me a minute to remember that it technically didn't really star a giant gorilla means that we've officially entered the true golden age of cinema -- an era where the only limit truly is our imagination and where moviemakers can officially do whatever the fuck they want. Plus, it just rocked. Dinosaurs! Giant bugs! Jack Black! And it all clicked!
KUSE: Mare, I just said "meh." It doesn't mean I think it sucked. I just don't get why it had to be so long, or why I'm supposed to sit through it, leave, and somehow put this one film on a pedestal way beyond all the other cool popcorn action/horror flicks I've seen. That's all it was. They spent more to do it, but that's all it was. And it doesn't matter what you or anyone else says -- that was just way too long. I shouldn't be able to sail four of the seven seas in the time it takes to watch King Fucking Kong.
MARE: You know, I'm pretty sick of the "too long" argument. Like you really "felt" it or something. The only reason you're saying that is because you read all of those reviews from "esteemed" critics looking for the one measly complaint needed to make their review "worth" more than the Average Joe's. If you hadn't read that it was too long a million times, you wouldn't have any idea that three hours passed. Why are you so unwilling to just soak it all in and be excited? As moviegoers, we have NEVER seen anything like that before. NEVER. It's going to take a lot of effort from a lot of people to even come close to something like this again.
KUSE: Right, and then you're going to tell me that the movie was better off with that stupid father-and-son subplot between the black dude and the white boy? "CAH...CAH JIMMY...ID IDDN'T ABOUT BRAY-HERRY JIMMY...YOU UNDERSTAND IT SUMDAY!" Then the dude gets eaten and the boy cries for a second -- WOW that's some payoff! That totally justified tacking another twenty minutes onto the film! Because King Kong, Brody, Black, that Ring girl, the natives, the bugs, the dinosaurs, the captain, the movie star guy -- no, their stories weren't enough. We needed ol' book-readin' Jimmy and his sea fairin' surrogate dad to add depth! Absolutely necessary!
MARE: You've gone mad! Of all the people I could've given my extra ticket to, WHY did I have to pick you?! You! Of all people! The only person on the entire planet who could find something wrong with something so beautiful! You've ruined Christmas!
MARE: Okay, okay -- what about the bug scene? I know you were looking forward to the bug scene. TELL ME you didn't love the bug scene!
KUSE: The giant crickets were okay. But again, we're supposed to believe that a few guys with guns can shoot around their friends at 65 TRILLION giant insects before a single one of those 65 TRILLION giant insects manages to bite any character worth caring about?
MARE: Well, that giant grub ate that one guy.
KUSE: Yeah but that was obviously his purpose! The casting sheet probably said "GRUB GUY." That doesn't count!
MARE: AHHHHHHH YOU DUMB IDIOT!
KUSE: I'm not against the movie, Mare. I just don't see why I have to sip up royal director juice from Peter Jackson's skinny ass just because I like his other movies so much. This one was good, in the same way JP 1, JP 2 and JP 3 were good.
MARE: You cannot honestly be comparing King Kong to Jurassic Park 3.
KUSE: Hell, I'll go one step further: The only reason this Kong remake ditched the Pterodactyl sequence from the original is because JP 3 already did it!
KUSE: ...and the dinosaurs in JP 3 looked a heck of a lot more realistic than those seen here.
MARE: I'M INSULTED ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!
KUSE: Yeah, that's a great rebuttal you've got going there, Mare. If Schumacher directed this, you'd have stolen the reel and crapped all over it already. I'll see you at home.
MARE: You're walking away from the argument! You're admitting you're wrong!
MARE: YOU FORGOT YOUR HELMET, KUSE! THE ONE THAT'S TOO TIGHT AND GIVES YOU BRAIN DAMAGE!
MARE: FAG!
LATER...
KNACKS: Well look who's home!
KNACKS: It's about time! What's with going to the movies with Mare and not inviting me?
KUSE: I'm really not in the mood, Knacks.
KNACKS: Fine, then I'll just have ask Mare then -- where is she?
KUSE: I don't know and I don't care.
KNACKS: Mare, Mare! Why didn't you invite me to go? Are you mad at me? How was the movie? Was it too long??
MARE: I'm going to sleep now, Knacks. I'm locking my door. Unless the house goes on fire, please don't knock on it for any reason.
KNACKS: Did you guys get in a fight? Why isn't anyone talking to me?
KUSE: Dude, you know what your problem is? You don't know when to shut up. I'm going to help you with this problem. Now is the time to shut up.
KNACKS: But we haven't opened today's presents yet!
KUSE: I have faith that you can't handle that and shut up at the same time.
LATER...
KNACKS: Wow, I hope those two get in fights more often! What a haul! And it's all mine!
KNACKS: A lamb and a chef! The most famous 1-2 punch of all 1-2 punches!
CHEF: Hey-a, after you eat-a this pizza I make-a you some chops eh-a? So what-a do you-a think of my accent-a?
