KUSE: It's going to be a bitch pretending we're still just friends, or whatever we were before.
MARE: We don't have to pretend, Kuse. I told you, I'm ready to shout it from the rooftops whenever you are.
KUSE: Let's just play it cool until after Christmas. I don't want to get the kissing-in-a-tree song thrown at me by fucking Legotron.
KNACKS: WHERE have you two been? Off to see another movie without me?
KUSE: Naw dude, we was just uh...
MARE: We were out looking for your Christmas present.
KNACKS: Oh. Well, okay then. But we have a serious problem! Come with me!
KNACKS: Look guys! A serious problem! Elf, tell them!
ELF: Santa Claus is canceling Christmas and refusing to leave office when his term is up.
KNACKS: See guys? This is a serious problem!
ELF: It's worse than it sounds, believe me. It's not just that he's canceling Christmas and being a dick about giving Santa II his rightful spot among the long lineage of Santa Clauses -- it's that he's doing it with such an asshole puss on.
SANTA II: You know, I hate to butt in and be the guy who says "I told you so," but I TOLD you so. That Santa is a disgrace to us all. Somebody needs to put him in his place.
SANTA II: ...and somebody needs to get him out of my place.
SANTA: I've heard just about enough of this merry malarkey!
MRS. CLAUS: Yeah!
SANTA: YES, I'm canceling Christmas. It's my God given right to cancel Christmas. And I refuse to leave the North Pole helm in the undeserving mitts of this pretender to the throne!
MRS. CLAUS: Oh snap!
SANTA: You're not fit swallow the liquids I piss on your face! Your ears are too big and your eyes are too small and you just wouldn't be a good Santa at all.
SANTA II: I disagree.
SANTA: A real Santa wouldn't!
SANTA: Pop quiz, turkey -- name all of Santa's reindeer.
SANTA II: There's Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen. And Rudolph too sort of.
SANTA: INCORRECT! Those reindeer belong to the children of the world! They're not "Santa's reindeer" at all! THIS is why you can't have Christmas! You know nothing!
SANTA: And the rest of you are no better! You're to blame for this! I venomize in your direction!
MARE: Santa, you're being ridiculous! Stop being ridiculous! Just give Santa II the title of Santa, go on a vacation and get some R&R!
SANTA: Don't pirate-speak me, bitch. I'm canceling Christmas, I'm canceling all future Clauses, and if you're not careful, I'll just ahead and cancel all of fucking December too.
MRS. CLAUS: Pizzap!
WAITERBETTY: I see an open. Do you see an open?
WAITERBOT: Like Knacks's mug says -- "Carpe Diem," Waiterbetty...
MRS. CLAUS: Santa I feel heavier.
SANTA: WELL STOP EATING.
WAITERBOT: Look guys, we know you went through a lot of trouble to get us off of the Clausesesses, but considering what's gone on, surely we're the lesser of two evils.
WAITERBETTY: And we really hate not having bodies.
WAITERBOT: We'll be good, we promise. Santa II can have Christmas and the house and the elves and all that. We're just in this for the legs.
WAITERBETTY: We know how to use 'em.
WAITERBOT: So what do you say? Are you okay with this?
MARE: Hmmm...
MARE: What do think, guys?
KUSE: I really don't care. Let's just run with it.
KNACKS: Yeah, at least now we'll have extra people to help bring the groceries in.
KNACKS: Weird month, aye Kuse?
KUSE: Weirder than you know.
LATER!
KNACKS: Well Santa...this is it.
KNACKS: Since you came out of your box early, this is the last Playmobil gift of 2005.
SANTA II: Truly an epic moment.
KNACKS: Great, a salad in a basket. At least the gods were consistent this year. Wanna help me eat this shit?
SANTA II: Actually, I need to get going. Now that I'm officially Santa Claus, there's a lot to be done if I want to make all the gift deliveries on time. Why don't you share it with Mare and Kuse? They love roughage.
KNACKS: Where the fuck are those two, anyway?
MEANWHILE!
KUSE: Shit Mare, I left my helmet out there.
MARE: Way to be inconspicuous, Kuse.
KUSE: Maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell the world that I think you're hot.
