KNACKS: How could we resist seeing Santa's house, Santa?
KUSE: Nice digs, red dude.
SANTA: Elf, would you mind giving Knacks and Kuse the grand tour while I go check on things in the kitchen?
ELF: Grand tour? Sure. Should I show them the secret rooms?
SANTA: Nah, skip those.
KUSE: Aw fuck.
ELF: So, this is my bedroom. I spend most of my time building toys for all of the good boys and girls.
KUSE: You mean you don't just give out video games and stuff? Isn't that all kids ask for nowadays?
ELF: They do, and we comply, but I build the toys anyway. That's why they're all over the house. I guess I just can't live in a world where I have no real use for a sawhorse.
KNACKS: What's a sawhorse?
KUSE: A sawhorse is a genus of fish found in temperate and tropical waters all over the world. They range in size from 16 mm to 35 cm. They are notable for being one of only a few species where the males get pregnant. A sawhorse pregnancy lasts approximately two to three weeks. Sawhorses are also unusual among fishes for being monogamous.
KNACKS: Wow. Elf, can you make me one of those?
ELF: Okay guys, I know I said you could pick and keep any toy in my room, but Santa's waiting...hurry it up!
KUSE: I guess I'll take this comically oversized trumpet.
KNACKS: And I'll take this strawberry flavored voodoo doll. Her new name is Shirley.
LATER...
ELF: ...and this is my brother, Steve. He's in charge of all of Santa's animals.
KNACKS: You mean the reindeer?
ELF: Yeah, but Santa collects goats, too.
STEVE: Little known fact is, Santa actually has more goats than reindeer!
KUSE: Why does Santa have so many cats?
STEVE: He thinks they're good luck.
ELF: Be honest, Steve.
STEVE: Okay. Santa eats cats.
LATER...
KUSE: Hey, isn't this the first room we saw?
ELF: Yes, but technically, we didn't "tour" it. So yeah, this is Santa's living room. It's got hearths and shit.
KNACKS: Kuse, can you believe this? I'm sitting in the actual rocking chair of Santa Claus!
KUSE: Yeah, and even twenty minutes later, it's still so impressive. Can we move on?
ELF: Actually, you two should go find Santa in the kitchen. He's probably expecting you by now.
KNACKS: Wait -- what about the secret rooms?
ELF: What secret rooms?
SANTA: Boys! Hope you enjoyed the tour. I've got a nice house, don't I?
KUSE: It's kind of got too much blue, Santa. Blue walls, blue floors -- what's with all the blue?
SANTA: What are you talking about? My walls and floors are universally green!
KUSE: Santa. Your walls and floors are BLUE.
SANTA: Green!
MRS. CLAUS: Okay all of you, knock it off! Why are you pestering them, Nick? You know you're colorblind.
SANTA: Right you are darlin'. Just messin' with the little fiddlers. Boys, meet my wife, Mrs. Claus!
KNACKS: Hi Mrs. Claus!
KUSE: Sup baby?
MRS. CLAUS: It's so nice to meet you handsome gentlemen. Nick's told me so much about you -- about how you and your pal Mare saved his life last year, and about how he gave one of you a new head, and about how you froze some little girl in ice together, and about how you inadvertently caused a giant gray tiger to eat Jesus Christ and...well, it's just nice to finally put faces to the names.
MRS. CLAUS: Would you boys like some fresh croissants? They just came out of the oven.
MRS. CLAUS: Okay, now you two sit nice at the table and don't get up until you've eaten every last croissant!
KUSE: We have to eat all of them? Why?!
MRS. CLAUS: Because if you don't, Santa will, and it's gotten to the point where he needs a crane to fuck me.
LATER...
KNACKS: Bye, Santa! Bye, Mrs. Claus!
KUSE: Bye, Elf! Bye, Steve!
MRS. CLAUS: Bye Knacks and Kuse!
SANTA: See ya later, alligators!
KNACKS: After a while, crocodiles!
SANTA: Farewell!
KUSE: Dogood!
KUSE: Well, that sure was awkward.
KNACKS: What do you mean? I had a great time!
KUSE: I mean we spent the last half hour there with our Lincoln Logs spilling out of our pants. I can't believe how hot Mrs. Claus is.
KNACKS: Where did you get Lincoln Logs?!
LATER...
FIREMAN: Hey masters! Since you were out, I took the liberty of opening today's presents for you.
KUSE: Who gave you permission to do that?
FIREMAN: I'm sorry sir, it's just that this big ass cat was howling from inside the gift box. She couldn't breathe!
KNACKS: I got another cat?!
FIREMAN: Yeah, and Master Kuse, the Gods of LEGO have granted your wishes with whatever this giant red contraption behind me is. I think it's what people use to change the bulbs in street lamps.
KUSE: I bet we could see inside Santa's bedroom window with this thing, Knacks.
