MARE: Can you believe it's December already? God, this year has flown.
KUSE: If I didn't believe it was December already, this invite I just got from Santa would change my mind.
MARE: That's an invite? It looks like a Christmas card.
KUSE: Yeah well, duh. It's from Santa Claus.
MARE: "Dear Kuse, meet me by the you-know-what as soon as you can. Bring tomatoes. Signed, Santa Claus."
KUSE: Did he actually write "signed" or were you adding a few beauty tweaks?
MARE: Beauty tweaks. Actually, he didn't even write his name out. He just doodled a Christmas stocking with an "S" on it.
KUSE: You're sure that's from Santa?
MARE: Think so. It's got sauce stains all the fuck over it.
LATER...
SANTA: Mare! Kuse! It's been too long. I've missed you both so much!
KUSE: Hey Santa, why didn't you invite Knacks?
SANTA: More on that in a minute. I've missed you both so much!
MARE: So what's up, old pal? Why'd you ask Kuse here?
SANTA: I'll answer that, but for the record, usually, when someone says "I've missed you," it's common courtesy to say it back. And I can't help noticing that neither of you are holding tomatoes.
SANTA: Kuse, as you might've guessed, this year, I want you to run the show. I want you to deal with the 2006 Playmobil Advent Calendar. Beauty, ain't she?
MARE: She always is!
KUSE: It's nice and all, but what about the LEGO Advent Calendar? I have more experience with that one. Plus, no offense, but these Playmobil gifts have been sucking hardcore the past few years.
MARE: Hey!
KUSE: You're the exception, Mare. You and that talking cow.
SANTA: Kuse, that's why I didn't invite Knacks. I felt bad for the lousy gifts that he got from Playmobil last year, so I figured, what the hey? Let's switch y'all up. I mean, at least you're getting laid, y'know?
KUSE: Okay, I'll do it. It's not that hard to open up a box a day. Even if the gifts suck, so what?
SANTA: That's the spirit!
MARE: Santa, I hate to bring this up, and I feel like a real eel saying this, but...
SANTA: But what?
MARE: It's just that a precedent has been set for each year's Santa Claus to be a bit, uh, "hesitant," about relinquishing his throne when the new Santa Claus invariably pops off the Advent Calendar in late December. You aren't gonna go all insane in the membrane on us, are ya?
SANTA: Insane in the membrane? Moi?! Don't be silly! This gig...this "Santa" stuff...it's a day job for me. A temp position. Once January rolls in, I'm shaving this beard and moving to a warm climate.
SANTA: Good luck with the Advent Calendar, Kuse! Give Knacks the good news and tell him to come see me!
KUSE: Did you smell his breath? What's he been eating, dog shit?
MARE: Be nice.
SANTA: And hey, both of you! Congrats on getting hitched last summer!
KUSE: Thanks, Santa.
MARE: Oh, Kuse. December brings back such great memories.
KUSE: Like when I kicked Mista Snowman in the nuts?
MARE: Yeah, but other things, too.
LATER...
KUSE: ...so Santa wants me to run Playmobil this year. Knacks is getting the LEGO calendar.
MARE: We expect everyone to get along and not continually beg and plead to open the gifts. Santa put Kuse and Knacks in charge. It's their responsibility and their decisions.
CHEF: Okay-a but-a I coulddin-a ELP noteesing...it's a Decemberra first. Ees there-a not a Playmobil box-a for-a today-a?
KUSE: Whatever verbal trend you're trying to start ends there. And yes, there is a box for today. Dragged the motherfucker for miles. It's by the front door.
LEGOTRON: Wow, it's a big one! When are you going to open it?
KUSE: Eh. You know what? As ruler of the 2006 Playmobil Calendar, I'm electing to put you guys in charge of opening the first gift. It's going to take a while for me to get interested.
KUSE: Besides, I gotta go find Knacks and give him the scoop. Just hope he doesn't scream like a girl at Bo Bice concert at me.
LATER...
KUSE: You're still at your computer? Jesus.
KNACKS: I'm busy Kuse, what do you want?
KUSE: Santa Claus told me to tell you that you got the LEGO Advent Calendar this year. Congrats.
KNACKS: That's nice, but I think I'll pass.
KUSE: What?! You spent six months whining and complaining about how I got all the cool stuff and you got nothing but guinea pig statues! How could you "pass?"
KNACKS: I'm just really busy.
KNACKS: Look Kuse, I'll level with you. I'm lonely. I'm disenfranchised. Ever since you and Mare got together, I've been a third wheel. This third wheel has a flat. Don't take this to mean that I'm not happy for you guys -- I really am, but I need to find my own place in this world and it's not going to come from opening Advent Calendar boxes year after year after year. I need people in my life.
KUSE: People?! Besides me and Mare, you've got Legotron, Chef and that surfing surfer guy! And Waiterbot moved just a few houses down! You're surrounded by friends and fuck you for thinking otherwise.
KNACKS: Legotron, Chef, Waiterbot, the surfer guy -- are you listening to yourself? Those aren't "friends." They're like cousins people only hang out with because they don't have any friends.
KUSE: Fine, whatever, be an emo shithead if it makes you happy.
KNACKS: Yeah Kuse keep insulting me. That'll fix the problem!
LATER...
MARE: Ah, you're back! Was Kuse jumping up and down?
KUSE: More like sitting on his ass and being a miserable dickfuck.
MARE: He's still depressed? Bummer.
KUSE: I don't care. He's acting like a shit. So, what'd we get?
MARE: A dead tree!
KUSE: Man. If I only allowed the Playmobil Advent Calendar three strikes, this'd be the shortest fucking Christmas ever.
MARE: I don't think it's such a bad little tree. It just needs a little love.
KUSE: Yeah, well, so do I. Let's hop in the box it came in and screw.
MARE: I told you not to talk to me like that in front of everyone!
KUSE: Fine, fine. "Mare, will you please accompany me to the empty gift box, where we shall copulate until I am finished?"
MARE: I'm worried about Knacks. He stays in his room all day, every day. We've gotta figure out some way to cheer him up.
KUSE: Seriously Mare, he's just gotta work through this on his own. You know how these artsy, theater people are. Stand in the way of their drama, and next thing you know, you're driving them to their mother's house in Toledo because they "need support" if they're going to make up with Estranged Mommy. Let's just ride this out.
MEANWHILE!
KNACKS: Oooh, LEGO Advent Calendar....pfft. What do they think I am, a kid? It's time I met some new people. People who won't look at me like I'm a nuisance, or an obstacle, or a lamp that's broken but nonetheless retains enough sentimental value to not throw away.
