TIGERBOY: Look what LEGO gave me today. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.
DOCTOR: Well, as you might suspect, I am a bit more familiar with LEGO dealings than the average person, and I can confirm that what you have there...does nothing. It's purely for decorative use. Consider it a cosmetic electrogizmo. I suggest rigging it to your desktop computer so that any visitors to your lair live under the false assumption that you are cookin' up something really special on your off hours.
TIGERBOY:Oookay...and what'd you guys get today?
DOCTOR: That thing. I've got no fucking idea what it is.
TIGERBOY: That?! That's a sleigh, Doc! You use it to ride down snow-covered hills!
DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous.
TIGERBOY: I wonder how Knacks and everyone are doing. They've been gone almost a whole day.
DOCTOR: Statistics dictate that the longer they remain in battle, the bigger the chance that one of them won't make it back.
TIGERBOY: I bet it's Mista Snowman.
DOCTOR: Let's hope!
MEANWHILE...
THE BATTLE OF THE THE CENTURY!
KUSE: DIE you dragon pirate motherfucker, DIE!
EVIL-2: FINE I will!
KUSE: GOOD!
EVIL-2: GOOD!
EVIL-1: Puny, foolish flesh bucket. Did you really think you could take down someone seven times your size? I mean, I could see five...maybe even six...but seven?! Say goodbye to your loved ones, antboy.
WAITERBOT: WHY DONTCHA PICK ON SOMEONE YER OWN SIZE?!
EVIL-1:Yeeeeeoch! This shouldn't be enough to kill me...BUT IT IS!
WAITERBOT: GOOD!
EVIL-1: GOOD!
KNACKS: Waiterbot...you...you saved me! Buddy, you're all right.
WAITERBOT: I may call you a shithead, but I'm loyal to my friends, shithead. That's one down.
WAITERBOT: ...make that, two down.
LEGOTRON: Knacks, did you see what I just did? I totally karate chopped this guy's nose off! Holy shit that was awesome.
WAITERBOT: ...three down? We're really rockin' and rollin' tonight.
BOX: Waiterbot, check this out -- tombstone piledriver!
WAITERBOT: Thank God. For a second I thought you two were uh...well, you know...
BOX: Nope! It's just a regular tombstone piledriver!
KUSE: DEATH! You deserved this, pal! If you weren't already dead, I'd beat you with your own arm!
WAITERBOT: Wait...that's it? We've already beaten all of the bad guys?
KNACKS: We rule! Three cheers for us!
KUSE: Hold on a second, Knacks...
KUSE: This was suspiciously easy. Something's not right.
THE BOSS: Right you are, Kuse. Right you are.
KNACKS: Who's that?!
THE BOSS: Gentlemen...pleasure to have you here. Kuse, indeed, my soldiers were never intended to defeat you. I merely wanted them to tire you. Did you and your friends didn't actually believe you could march into my Dungeon of Pain and alter the course of my dark destiny that easily? No, NO! It was all part of my plan.
THE BOSS: For I am...THE BOSS! Merry Christmas, baby!
THE BOSS: Your brides have served my men well, and by that I think you know what I think I'm thinking, ewww. More importantly, they've served me. You see, I had intended to drain their life energies immediately, but soon realized that they were more important to me alive...albeit temporarily. Now that their feminine charm has lured you fools here, I'll have more life energy than I ever dreamed possible! Tonight we celebrate a life energy SURPLUS!
KUSE: MARE! MARE, don't worry, I'll save you!
THE BOSS: Bah, you'll save nothing! Impudent hero characters, face my wrath!
LEGOTRON: GYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
LEGOTRON: I'm not dead but my heads are everywhere!!
THE BOSS: Merely a warning shot, that one was. This next one...not so much. Prepare to have your life energies SUCKED into my WAND and I DON'T mean that as a suggestive euphemism but rather LITERALLY! I AM THE BOSS!
SANTA: "The Boss" has been very naughty. "The Boss" better cut the shit.
THE BOSS: Santa Claus?! An unexpected adversary, no doubt -- but you will change nothing!
THE BOSS: TASTE THE RAINBOW!
SANTA: Hah! You dumbfuck, I'm Santa Claus! You can't hurt me with purple lines!
THE BOSS: Wait, wait! You don't understand! I didn't want to do these terrible things! She made me! She's controlling my mind! It's telepathy! Evil telepathy!
SANTA:Telepathy?! Stop making up words! Who is this "she" you speak of, cretin?!
THE BOSS: I promise I'm telling the truth -- SHE MADE ME DO IT! She's right under the white curtain! See for yourself!
SANTA: Boys, this lipstick-wearin' white-haired asstwit says some cuntbitch's been controlling his mind. He says she's under that white curtain.
KNACKS: Kuse, should we check it out?
KUSE: I've never been one to pass on a curtain reveal.
KUSE: Okay Knacks...on the count of three.
KNACKS: Let's make it the count of five. Shades of King Kong Bundy squash matches.
KUSE: Now it all makes sense! Claire was using her evil mind powers to force these unshaven beasts to do her bidding!
KUSE: Dumb bitch was trying to steal our life energy so she could use it to free herself.
KNACKS: Kuse...doesn't she look creepy? She looks so creepy.
THE BOSS: See Santa, I told you! It was all Claire! She tricked us! She made us do it! I am absolved!
SANTA:Absolved?! I'm not buying for a second that you weren't voluntarily helping that cockslapee! Look at you! Look at this black magic garb you wear! You live for this kind of shit!
THE BOSS: Santa it wasn't like that! Don't judge a book by its cover!
SANTA: Blah, I'm killing you anyway. I'm not supposed to, technically, but GOD DAMN I hate what you're wearing.
Yayyyyyy!
MARE: Kuse, I knew you'd rescue us, I just knew it.
KUSE: Of course, baby! I didn't want to raise our son alone, you know.
MARE: Box? You found Box?!
KUSE: Yup. Turns out he was just hiding in a box -- our little guy was metamorphosing into this snappy teenager!
MARE: Good God...what kind of fucked up uterus do I have?!
KUSE: It doesn't matter, Mare. We're a family again. We can sit at the family table and chat about the daily events of our lives because that's what Phylicia Rashad fucking told us to do.
KNACKS: Uh, guys? We've still got Claire Winningham trapped in a block of ice over here.
SANTA: Yes, that's a problem. From what I've read in the Santa History Books, the Santa before me, dickhead that he was, imposed a "no killing" rule for all Santa Clauses. When your former friend here went bad, he bypassed his own stupid rule by encasing her still-beating heart in this block of ice. I already broke one of the Official Santa Rules by killing that Harry Potter reject...I don't think I can go 2 for 2 in the same day.
SANTA: You guys are going to have to take her back with you. Guard her with your lives. Make sure she never escapes her fine frozen prison. I know I've already saddled everyone with two Advent Calendars this year, but comparatively speaking, this latest job is pretty small.
SANTA: That ice is virtually indestructible. It's magic ice, see. It would take incredible might to free her, so be wary of any friends the bitch might have. If they come looking for her, you must be prepared!
KUSE: Great, where are we supposed to put a comically oversized glass stuffed with a giant piece of ice stuffed with Claire Winningham? We can barely fit chairs in the house!
MARE: Don't worry, Kuse. We'll manage. The important thing is that we're all together again.
