KUSE: Yup. Let's review the month of December. First, Knacks goes emo on us. Then your mother comes here and hates my guts. Then you tell me you're pregnant, and the baby hatches out of a box a few days later. Then your mother forces a fucking fastball special on our baby, nearly crippling him. THEN I LOSE THE BABY.
KUSE: Wait wait -- I wasn't finished. So I lose the baby, and then you get mad at me, and then you get KIDNAPPED, so you don't get to see that our baby wasn't lost...just metamorphosing. Then we have to go save you and the other girls, and I have to KILL a bunch of really tall ugly guys before some jackoff in a wizard costume reveals CLAIRE WINNINGHAM as a mind-controlling ice block. And then Santa makes us take her HOME with us!
MARE: You finished?
KUSE: I guess, but you know what really stings? I still have to go down to the fucking Advent Calendar with that asshole snowman today! My God, does it ever stop?
MARE: My poor little guy. Tell you what...the day's young. Before you go get today's gift, why don't we take a nap?
KUSE: Okay, yeah, the nap was an excellent idea.
MARE: See? You look better already.
KUSE: I feel better, too.
KUSE: We can still fuck even though the kid's in the room, right?
MEANWHILE...
TIGERBOY: I still can't get over this. I can't believe there's actually a living person in there.
TIGERBOY: Knacks, come here! I swear to God her eyes just moved!
KNACKS: That's great, Tigerboy...wonderful.
TIGERBOY: Something wrong, buddy?
KNACKS: I guess having Claire around just reminds me of how utterly and desperately alone I really am. See, when Claire came out of her box in 2004, I kind of had a little crush on her. Nothing serious. Obviously, the butterflies were squashed once she started trying to kill us, but now that I think about it, she was still the closest thing I ever had to a real girlfriend.
KNACKS: How pathetic is that? I should blog about it.
TIGERBOY: That's pretty heavy stuff, Knacks. Not heavy to the level of needing to run around in a tiger costume to hide your shame, but still...heavy.
KNACKS: Eh, what can I do, right? Let's get the LEGO Calendar thingy over with. I kinda just wanna spend the afternoon veging out on the couch and watching TV. Maybe they're doing that Christmas Story marathon.
TIGERBOY: Not until Christmas Eve.
KNACKS: See? I can't win.
COP DUDE: We'll watch over the icy villainess, Knacks SIR!
KNACKS: Thanks, guys. I know it's a shitty job, but you've gotta pay your dues if you want to become more prominent characters in our little adventures.
MEANWHILE...
LEGOTRON: Please make sure you put them in the same order they were in before, okay?
WAITERBOT: Don't be a begging chooser. If you want to do this yourself, be my guest.
LEGOTRON: I just don't want to fuck up my feng shui.
LATER!
TIGERBOY: We sure are getting a lot of people out of this thing, huh?
KNACKS: Yeah, I don't know what's up with that.
TIGERBOY: Well, I guess it's good. Now you have a third guy to help watch over Claire.
KNACKS: UGH you just had to mention Claire, didn't you?
TIGERBOY: Knacks, everyone tells me that Claire was a big time murdering scoundrel. Please don't tell me you're still carrying a torch for her.
KNACKS: Nah, there's no torch. She's just a symbol. She may as well be a big poster with the phrase "YOU = LOSER" on it. Would I have a crush on a "YOU = LOSER" poster?
TIGERBOY: Most people, no. You, I'm not so sure...
MEANWHILE...
OK, HOTSHOT...POP QUIZ!
WHAT'S THE BEST FOUR WORDS A SNOWMAN CAN EVER SAY?
GIVE UP?
CHRISTMAS MAGIC ON WHEELS!
KUSE: Errrgh. I should've just slept in and let you do this yourself.
MISTA SNOWMAN:From Atlantic TO Pacific...gee the wagon IS terrific...
LATER!
KNACKS: Holy cow, we got home at exactly the same time! What'd you guys get today?
KUSE: A wagon. A "magical Christmas wagon." You?
KNACKS: Another B-teamer, but at least this one came with a big wrench. If he ever kills someone in the kitchen with it, I'm so making a Clue reference.
MARE: Kuse! Knacks! You're finally home! Come on, hurry up! We're about to put the star on the tree!
WAITERBETTY: Does it matter at all that I completely object to this?
WAITERBOT: Not to me so much.
MARE: Wow! It's beautiful!
MARE: Kuse, don't you think our tree is gorgeous?
KUSE: Yeah, it's okay.
MARE: What's the matter? This isn't some "I'm Jewish and that's my enemy" deal, is it?
KUSE: No, nothing like that...
KUSE: I don't know, I'm glad everything seems back to normal, but I can't help feeling like we forgot something.
MARE: C'mere, you small lug...why you always gotta be so paranoid?
