KUSE: I don't get it. I thought Santa Clauses only came out of the December 24th boxes?
SANTA: Things change, Kuse. I don't know what's in the 24th box this year, but the people who give me these Advent Calendars told me where Santa was hiding. It's too important for me not to know.
KUSE: "The people who give you these Advent Calendars?" And just who might that be?
SANTA: Not for you to know, pardnah.
KUSE: Is it just me, or is it really smoggy here today?
SANTA: I smell smoke. Do you smell smoke?
KUSE: Holeee shit. This can't be true.
SANTA: That bitch fried the new Santa Claus! Jesus Christ! How could she?!
SANTA: He's gone! Dead! Finito! I can't believe this! Santa is dead!
KUSE: This could put a serious cramp in our plans.
KUSE: Wow...I uh...I uh...I'm speechless.
SANTA: What kind of an animal would rob the children of their new Santa Claus?! Is this what it's come to, Kuse? Is this really the kind of world we live in?
KUSE: Plus, you know what this means, right? Cancel those Tahiti plans. Looks like you're gonna have to be Santa Claus for another whole year.
MOTHERFUCKAAAAAA
SANTA: That does it. Put your gloves on, fellas. We're going to find Claire and this new evil Mare and TEAR THEM APART!
MISTA SNOWMAN: What'd he say?
SANTA: TEAR THEM APART!
MISTA SNOWMAN: Say it with him!
SANTA: TEAR THEM APART!
MISTA SNOWMAN: TEAR THEM APART!
SANTA: TEAR THEM APART!
KUSE: Yeah that.
LATER!
KNACKS: Okay, so which one of you assholes left the door unlocked?
WAITERBOT It was Lipton.
JAMES LIPTON: It was NOT!
MARE II: Jeeeez, Claire! How long do we have to stay here?! I want to go have fun!
CLAIRE: Knacks is here. Now we just have to wait for his similarly short friend and that cuntrag goody-two-shoes sister of ours. Mind the prisoners. I'm going to meditate. Again.
MARE II: Ugh, fine, but I really wanna go out!
MARE II: Great, just...hmmmm...
MARE II: Hey, you're that Knacks guy, aren't you?
KNACKS: Ummm...yes?
MARE II: I read your MySpace blog. That Christmas poem you wrote...it was pretty cute!
KNACKS: Oh! Uh...thanks!
MARE II: I really liked the Frasier reference. I'm a sucker for pop culture.
KNACKS:Me too!
MARE II: Ain't that something?
KNACKS: You know, you don't have to help Claire kill us. Why don't you set us free? We'll protect you from Claire, and you can stay with us!
MARE II: Awww, that's really nice of you but...no thanks, buddy. I'm a Mare. This is what I do.
KNACKS: Come on! You can't just let her murder us! Do you really want all that blood on your hands? We're nice people!
MARE II: LOOK I'm really sorry that Claire has it out for you, but she does, and she's a Mare, and I'm a Mare, and everywhere a Mare Mare. I'm sorry...I can't help you!
TIGERBOY: Way to mack it to our killer kidnapper there, Knacks.
KNACKS: Shut up Tigerboy.
KUSE: Okay Santa, here's the barn. Shithole, ain't it? Still a thousand times better than the house. You have seen the house, right? They burned the fucker to a crisp. Unreal. Actually, the house looks a lot like the new Santa Claus looks right now.
SANTA: And why are we here again? We're supposed to be out finding the Mares.
KUSE: I have to get my black trenchcoat first. It makes me feel like a fighter and--
KUSE: Knacks!
KNACKS: Kuse! Mista Snowman! Santa Claus! You've gotta get out of here! Claire and that new Mare are here and they're unstoppable!
SANTA: Oh they're here? GOOD. Point me in their direction. I'm going to...finish it for me, snowman!
MISTA SNOWMAN: TEAR THEM APART!
SANTA: Yeah!
CLAIRE: Well well well...HELLO Kuse McChanukah! And who's this he's brought with him? Why if it isn't Santa Claus! Must be the 2005 model -- I hear the '06 is a lemon.
LATER...
SANTA: I gotta admit...I'm feeling pretty embarrassed right now.
KUSE: Don't worry Santa, you gave it the ol' college try. Though I am kind of curious as to how you expected to defeat Claire by running under a table, screaming "I'M NOT ONE OF THESE GUYS I'M NOT ONE OF THESE GUYS!"
SANTA: That was my patented fake-out!
MARE II: So you've got Knacks and Kuse...now you're just waiting on that older Mare, right?
CLAIRE: No. I've changed my mind. I've watched enough movies to know that it's a BAD CHESS MOVE for the villain to sit around waiting to kill their adversaries when they're RIGHT THERE TO KILL. Mare'll come home eventually. In the meantime, let's pick off these assbirds, one by one.
CLAIRE: And I'm not starting with one of the smalltimers, either. Get me Knacks.
MARE II: Knacks? Are you sure you really wanna start with him? How about that other guy with the seventeen heads?
CLAIRE: No. NO bit players. Get me Knacks.
MARE II: Sorry about this, Knacks. I really wish it didn't have to be you.
KNACKS: Eh, I've had a good life. I want you to know, I don't blame you for what's going on right now. I know you were born like this...I just wish you'd already lived long enough to know that it doesn't have to be this way.
MARE II: I know, right? Sucks. Let's move...
KNACKS: Okay, I'm coming. Just one last thing. "Merry Christmas."
MARE II: Excuse me?
KNACKS: I'm...I'm just wishing you a merry Christmas is all.
MARE II: Still? You'd still do that?
KNACKS: I'm a pretty forgiving guy. One time, my friends stole my Hostess Ding Dongs, and I totally got over it.
MARE II: Oh, Knacks...
MARE II: Your antenna thing looks hot.
MARE II: Sorry, Claire! I can't let you do this!
CLAIRE: YEAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!
CLAIRE: Infantile twit! You'd cast your allegiance with these idiots?! And you dare strike me?! I'm Claire Winningham!
CLAIRE: I'm the strongest of the Mares! The most cunning! You treacherous lizard...now it will be YOU that I decimate first, and can't nobody stop me!
MARE: Really? I'd like to have a crack at it.
CLAIRE: You?! Ha! Look who it is, everyone! It's the Mare that forgot her roots! Honey, everyone knows you lost your powers when you lost your balls. You're no better than any of these normals! You're nothing! You hear me?! Nothing!
KUSE: MARE! GET OUT OF HERE! SAVE YOURSELF! SHE'S A LUNATIC! LOON-A-TEEECK!
CLAIRE: Too bad the little troll couldn't give you that advice sooner. EAT EVIL, TRAITOR!
MARE: Claire, you're too funny! Did you honestly believe that a couple of your D-grade fist-powered laser blasts could hurt me? I'm more of a Mare than you could ever be! For a while, I thought maybe you were right, but then I remembered what someone very special told me. Not being evil is a sign of strength, not weakness!
MARE: Never again shall this Mare be the victim! Never again shall this Mare let her friends down!
MARE: Happy holidays, hosebag.
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MARE: I'll see your broken ass in Hell. Bitch.
MARE: So...who's ready for the Christmas party?
EVERYONE: YAAAAAY MARE!
KUSE: That's my girl right there. That's my fucking girl!
