WAITERBETTY: It's about time you let me come with you. I was getting tired of sitting at home all day, spelling your name out in dough and making cookies with it.
WAITERBOT: I appreciate you, dear. You make cookies that spell out my name. You deserve to see the calendar.
WAITERBETTY: Are you almost done in there?! I want to see the gift!
WAITERBOT: Shut up! These holes are bigger than they look. And they're all mucky for some reason. Besides, I think I found it.
WAITERBOT: Would you look at all of these gifts? You got two purses, and I got some kind of...mail cart or something..and it all came out of one box!
WAITERBETTY: I feel blessed. First I get to usurp Mrs. Claus's body, and now this. What's next, bingo on the seventh number drawn?
BAD GUY: Hey boys and girls. I'm a bad guy.
WAITERBOT: Who are you?! What are you doing here? This is my LEGO Advent Calendar!
BAD GUY: Relax, and listen. I didn't come here for trinkets. I've been authorized to extend you an offer -- an offer you shouldn't refuse.
WAITERBOT: An offer? From whom?! I demand to know the meaning of this! I'm Waiterbot, not ambulatory warehouse!
BAD GUY: Relax, and listen.
MEANWHILE...
MARE: Look Mom, I made your favorite! Antipasto! It's so wonderful to finally have you stay with us.
MOTHER: Mare, that's some fine looking antipasto. I can't believe you remembered my provolone fetish. You've got great taste in food.
MOTHER: ...just wish I could say the same for your taste in men.
KUSE: LOOK lady I already apologized for saying you looked like an ox, but what do you care? I hadn't even seen you yet when I said it! It was off the cuff! I was just blowing off some steam.
MOTHER: Blowing off some steam? What are you saying -- are you saying that the life my faultless daughter provides you is one that necessitates the blowing off of steam? How dare you! How dare you sit at the same table as us!
KUSE: Okay now you're pissing me off...
KUSE: This is my home, Mother Winningham, and a man's home is a castle. You can't talk to me like that, and like it or not, your daughter is practically at the point where she draws pictures of my stick every morning after. You're outta line.
MOTHER:I'm outta line no YOU'RE out of line! Look at you! You're pathetic! You're sitting around drinking fifty-cent beer while my daughter makes all the money, does all the cooking and, evidently, all of the heavy lifting during any home improvement endeavors.
KUSE: On the count of three, I am going to pick up my fork and shove it so far up your--
MARE: ENOUGH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!
MARE: I can't take this anymore! MOM, I'm MARRIED to Kuse. You're just going to have to accept him. And KUSE, this is my MOTHER -- I don't care how much of a crappy bitch she's being...you CAN'T talk to her like that! Now I NEED you two to get along or I swear to God I'm going to kill myself. CAN you get along? For me?
KUSE: Well, what do you say, Mother Winningham?
MOTHER: I say you're a dumbfuck with testicles the size of something so tiny it hasn't been discovered yet.
KUSE: Yeah? Nice sweater.
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: So let me get this straight. You want ME to help YOUR BOSS take down Mare, Kuse and Knacks? Why?!
BAD GUY: I can't say too much because I don't know too much. I'm just the delivery boy.
WAITERBOT: Those guys have been good friends to me, even when they shouldn't have been. I don't know who your boss is or what he's up to, but I'm not helping.
BAD GUY: That's too bad. What say I give you a little more time to think about it? It's in your best interests...
BAD GUY: You really don't want to piss off my boss, heh.
LATER!
KUSE: Hey, your wings are up there! I didn't even notice that you weren't wearing them tonight.
MARE: Yeah, my mother hates me in wings. She says she "didn't raise no bird."
KUSE: Your mother's a real grouch, Mare.
MARE: I know, but can't you just try to get along with her? Just for a few days? Then she'll go home and everything will be back to normal.
KUSE: Arrrrrgh. I'll try, but you know how I am. You can't call me a cuntrag and not expect me to come at you, flying feet first.
MARE: Kuse, I know she's a tough cookie, but she's still my mother. I need you guys to get along. I'm not saying that we'll have to visit her six times a year. I'm not even saying that you'll have to be a cosigner on her birthday cards. Let's just get through this week, okay?
KUSE: You're lucky I love you.
KUSE: MOTHERFUCKER!
MARE: What's wrong?
KUSE: I forgot to get today's gift from the Advent Calendar! UGH I don't want to have to walk all the way there now..it's the middle of the fucking night!
MARE: Hah, I had a feeling you'd forget today, so I asked Knacks to do it. That's why he wasn't at dinner.
KUSE: You asked Knacks?!
MARE: Yeah, turns out he met some guy in a tiger costume who told him to make up with us. He said he wants a little space, but that he's not mad about anything.
KUSE: Guy in a tiger costume? What the hell?
MARE: Maybe it's an imaginary friend. Maybe that's how Knacks says "I'm sorry" without actually having to say it himself.
MEANWHILE!
KNACKS: Oh God, this is going to rule. This is SO going to god damned RULE.
KNACKS: My very first MySpace blog entry posted live on location!
