KNACKS: Jeez...here we go...my first MySpace blog entry of the 2007 holiday season!
"Hello, friends! I know I haven't been too prolific on this blog, but you know how it goes. I'll try to be around more often, though it could be tough considering that today is December 1st! In just a short while, Santa is going to 'present' (get it?) us with this year's brand new Advent Calendars, and I don't need to tell you...they can eat up a lot of my time.
Everyone's been doing pretty okay lately, for the most part. No major incidents. Well, there is one thing -- we moved into a new house! Totally true. Kuse took on some big city corporate job so he could afford it, and it's kept him pretty fucking busy lately. To be honest, I barely ever even see him anymore. Neither does Mare, apparently, because she's always pacing around the house with a phone in one hand and scotch in the other. I'm not talking about Scotch tape, folks. She's been hammered for like a week straight."
"I should probably go check on her. I'll write more later, guys. Kuse couldn't get off from work today, and I know Mare's upset that he's not gonna be here for the big Adventy debut. Later!"
KNACKS: Mare? Are you still out here?
MARE: Yeah, Knacks. Still waiting for Kuse.
KNACKS: Well, Santa's about to give his Advent Calendar speech. We should probably get upstairs.
MARE: Gimme a few more minutes. He said he'd try to make it.
KNACKS: Mare, I know you miss Kuse, but you've gotta come upstairs. We can't kick off an Advent Calendar thing without you. What if something goes wrong?
MARE: Ugh...I know...I just. I dunno. I know Kuse took that job so he could support all of us and get everyone a big house to live in, but sometimes, I miss the way things used to be. We lived like discardable derelicts, but at least we were all together, y'know?
KNACKS: I hear ya, but on the other hand...
KNACKS: ...this is a pretty righteous house!
MARE: I suppose it is, yeah...
KNACKS: Seriously! If I lived somewhere else, I bet I'd be able to see my house from here!
MEANWHILE...
MISTA SNOWMAN: ...and then, at the end of the show, there's this big storm, and things are looking pretty grim...
...UNTIL RUDOLPH SAVES CHRISTMAS WITH HIS BIG SHINY NOSE! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
JAMES LIPTON: NO I cannot believe that shit! Simply remarkablous -- I would not mind hearing that story again!
WAITERBOT: Christ o'fucky. We're surrounded by idiots.
TIGERBOY: Aww, don't be so hard on them. At least they don't spend everyday whining and complaining and releasing pent-up bitterness over childhood rejections at people who aren't to blame.
WAITERBOT: I'll have to ask you to get off my couch.
TIGERBOY: So I hear you've started a vlog. Is that like what Knacks does on MySpace?
WAITERBOT: Knacks? MySpace?! Oh, please!
WAITERBOT: What I do is art, pure and simple! I videotape myself ranting about various things, like old McDonald's Christmas commercials, and Salvation Army ladies. Then I put the videos on YouTube for the world to see. I've become quite the star, my friend.
TIGERBOY: Uh huh. And how could you afford a video camera? Kuse doesn't make that much.
WAITERBOT: Pimped out Waiterbetty. And don't ask me who wanted her because that's their private business.
TIGERBOY: It was Legotron, wasn't it?
WAITERBOT: Your insight serves you well!
TIGERBOY: It's just about that time. Santa's probably ready to talk about this year's Advent Calendars. We should go upstairs.
WAITERBOT: Yeah, "Santa." That that man can call himself "Santa" is a travesty. I mean, my body is composed of real Santa Claus meat, and you don't see me claiming to be Saint Nick. The guy's an assfrog.
TIGERBOY: Maybe, but technically, he's still Santa Claus.
LATER!
SANTA: HOKAYYY everybody, listen up! I know some of you have your doubts about me. All I ask is that you be fair and give me a chance. I've tried to keep things as organized as possible. In fact, late last week, I made a list of all the things we needed to get done. And you know what I did to that list? I checked it. Then I checked it again. You see where I'm going with this? I made a list and I checked it twice. I really am Santa!
SANTA: As you all know, there are two Advent Calendars -- one from Playmobil, and one from LEGO. I understand that there was a new precedent set last year, so there will be teams of two people assigned to each of the calendars.
SANTA: Knacks and Tigerboy, you guys did a tremendous job with the LEGO Calendar last year. You should do it again.
KNACKS: Check it -- the boys are back in town!
TIGERBOY: I'll get my cape and tail!
SANTA: And that leaves us with the Playmobil Advent Calendar. This is a bigger challenge. We could really use Kuse's experience, but he's too busy with work to tackle the "arduous" task of walking outside to pick up a free gift once a night.
SANTA: That was SARCASM.
SANTA: Therefore, I've decided to write all of your names on pieces of paper, stuff them into my hat, and draw two of them out. Team Playmobil will be chosen entirely at random.
LATER!
WAITERBOT: OH JESUS BROKEN GLASS, I can't believe my luck!
SANTA: Come on, Waiterbot. I drew your name fair and square. We need your help.
WAITERBOT: No way. No freakin' way.
SANTA: As Santa Claus I command you to do your duty!
WAITERBOT: As Waiterbot I command you to lie flat on the ground so I can "duty" on your face! Ha!
MARE: Waiterbot, please...just do it. You know Kuse is too busy, and you know we'd be living in a barn if it wasn't for him. We really need you to help out this year. Do it for me?
SANTA: Yeah, if you won't do it for me, do it for her.
WAITERBOT: Will you two quit saying "do?!" I feel like I'm in a soda commercial!
WAITERBOT: Mare, it's not that I'm morally opposed to running the Playmobil gig this year...
WAITERBOT: ...but do I really have to do it with this mutant albino sideways pair of testicles?
MARE: Sorry...Santa drew his name out after yours.
MISTA SNOWMAN: AND SO HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
WAITERBUDDY, I THINK YOU AND ME CAN GIVE LAVERNE & SHIRLEY A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY!
MAKE THAT, "HOLIDAY MONEY!"
MEANWHILE...
TIGERBOY: Wellp, it's time. You ready for this?
KNACKS: I was born ready.
TIGERBOY: I was born a tiger.
KNACKS: No you weren't.
KNACKS: And thar she blows! The very first gift of the 2007 LEGO Advent Calendar! Would you like the honors?
TIGERBOY: Nope...it's all you.
TIGERBOY: Mare was pretty upset about Kuse, huh?
KNACKS: Oh God, yes. I haven't seen her that upset since her evil clone broke free from a block of ice and started blasting people with bolts of pure hand energy.
TIGERBOY: "Hand energy?"
KNACKS: Yeah, you know...when someone shoots laser beams from their hands? That's hand energy.
TIGERBOY: I see.
KNACKS: Hmmm...deja vu.
TIGERBOY: Not surprising. You've been doing these LEGO Calendars for a long time. This is only my second year, and I still feel like I've been here before.
KNACKS: That's not what I mean...
KNACKS: I got the exact same dude from the Advent Calendar two years ago!
LATER!
WAITERBOT: Well, we're here.
MISTA SNOWMAN: Let's sing a carol to celebrate!
WAITERBOT: Wait, hold on...something's not quite right about this place.
MISTA SNOWMAN: What do you mean?! Santa Claus told us to come here...Santa never makes mistakes!
WAITERBOT: Look around, stupid! Does this place look Christmassy to you?!
WAITERBOT: This year's Advent Calendar has a fairy princess theme? What's with the unicorn?
MISTA SNOWMAN: Unicorns are symbols of Christmas!
WAITERBOT: Um...so it looks like our first gift is a gigantic birdcage. A really gigantic, jewel-encrusted, fantasy-laden birdcage.
MISTA SNOWMAN: Okay, I'm not kidding...I have ALWAYS wanted one of these! They remind me of cardinals! Cardinals are Christmas birds!
WAITERBOT: We better get back home. Maybe Mare can figure out what the fuck is going on.
MEANWHILE...
KUSE: Maybe if I concentrate really hard and try to focus, I can blast through the rest of this and make it home before they open today's Advent gifts.
KUSE: Carry over the 1...multiply by 2....divide by 6...factor in business expenses...adjust percentages to accommodate expenses that can be written off...divide by 6 again...and then multiply by 2 again...and...uh...
KUSE: ...I have a feeling I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
