KUSE: Mare! Listen, I need to talk to you. I know you've been pretty upset about how much I've been working, but...uh...I've been hearing some things, and...well...I don't know...I just think we really should talk about this.
MARE: Can't now, sorry. I'll try to get back to you "sometime this month."
KUSE: Come on, don't be spiteful...I know I've been tough to deal with lately...it's just that this job's been so stressful, and the company's so strict and...Mare? Mare, are you there??
MARE: Let's see how he likes being hung up on.
JACOB: Everything okay, milady? It sounded rather noisy in here.
MARE: Hey Jacob, remember yesterday when you asked me to go on that nature hike?
JACOB: My heart still burns from the rejection, fair maiden.
MARE: Yeah, well...
MARE: ...I think I'd like to take you up on it after all.
MEANWHILE...
JAMES LIPTON: Finally! I've been looking for you everywhere!
TIGERBOY: Me? Why, what's up?
JAMES LIPTON: I have designs on making you...a movie star. Are you in, or are you NOT in?
TIGERBOY: You're lucky you're catching me when I'm bored. What did you have in mind?
JAMES LIPTON: Mark today's date in your calendar, friend! Today is the day your life truly begins!
TIGERBOY: So what kind of movie are we gonna make?
JAMES LIPTON: It's more of a documentary, really. I believe it is more important to educate than it is to entertain...but knowing me, this film will do both!
TIGERBOY: A documentary?! What about?
JAMES LIPTON: That's the best part! Come upstairs, I'll show you my outline.
MEANWHILE...
KNACKS: ...yeah, I dunno, everyone has their coping devices I guess. When we were in Tahiti and I found out the truth, I actually considered just staying there for a while. Kinda felt like the only way out was to "start anew."
CHER: Ohhhh Knacks, don't you know that your feelings follow you wherever you go? You can't escape them. I'm sure your ex-girlfriend is figuring that out for herself right now. No matter where you go, you're always going to be you.
KNACKS: You're so cool. I really wish I could get you out of that cage.
CHER: I told you, it really isn't that bad. How'd you convince Waiterbot to leave, anyway?
KNACKS: Oh, I cooked up a little something...
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: Ah, Box #11. You see, snowman, I had good reason to accompany you to this festering pit of sludge today. Got a hot tip that this day's gift was worth coming for!
MISTA SNOWMAN: What do you mean? They're ALL worth coming for!
WAITERBOT: Bah. This morning, an anonymous whistleblower left me a note. Unless I've been had, today's gift is yet another living creature for me to claim as my own! Now lean over and assist me in opening this box!
MISTA SNOWMAN: Wow!
WAITERBOT: I'm starting to think that my attitude is bringing me bad karma.
MISTA SNOWMAN: Roses are red...and so are Christmas stockings!!
LATER!
KUSE: You again! Looks like we've got the same internal coffee clock going, eh?
???????: Looks like.
KUSE: Hey...I know we don't know each other very well...but I could really use someone to talk to.
???????: I'm all ears.
KUSE: I can see that!
MEANWHILE...
BOX: Legotron...I'm really trying to bite my tongue in light of our newfound friendship, but come on, even you have to admit that today's gift sucks.
LEGOTRON: Yeah, I think you got me there. I don't even know what this thing is.
BOX: It's the jumbled mass of LEGO pieces formerly known as Prince.
LEGOTRON: Okay, that was good. Took me a minute, but that was good.
MEANWHILE...
KUSE: ...and that's it in a nutshell. My wife is starting to get the wandering eye, and I don't blame her. I'm here constantly. I'm not fulfilling my own needs, so how could I think that I'm fulfilling hers? Worst of all, it's not like I can just pick up and leave, because we can't afford to keep our house unless I have this job.
???????: So this is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations?
KUSE: Right. I either give up this job and make my family live on the streets, or I get to count the minutes until my wife commits infidelity with some random dude in a cape.
???????: You know what you should do? "Love art." Make her a card. Write her a poem. You can do that kind of stuff from here...just close the door and pretend you're on a conference call or something. This way, you don't have to risk losing your job, but your wife will still know that you're thinking about her.
KUSE: Dude, you rock. Seriously. I'm gonna go get started right now. Thanks so much. By the way, I'm Kuse. You got a name?
???????: A name?
KUSE: Yeah, don't you have one?
???????: I do...
Nice to officially meet you, Kuse. I'm Hssxxlllo Ussall.
LATER!
JAMES LIPTON: Okay, let's give this baby a test run. Just go with your instincts. Remember your motivation.
TIGERBOY: James...that's the problem. I can't get motivated about my "motivation." Do we really need to do a documentary about this?
JAMES LIPTON: Yes! I'm telling you...it's what the people want to see! Just give it your best shot! ACTION!
TIGERBOY: Ladies and gentlemen, I bid you welcome. Most people think that they've got the world figured out -- that they know the ins and outs of every last nook and cranny of God's green earth. I'm here to tell you that there's still some mystery left. Indeed, even the most seemingly omnipresent artifacts of our lives have stories to tell -- and you may be surprised to find that you've never really heard them the whole way through!
TIGERBOY: It's with that dreamer's outlook that James Lipton Productions proudly presents...THE SECRET-BUT-TRUE STORY OF LETTUCE. Considering its current status as our planet's single most valuable resource, it boggles the mind to think about how little we actually know about lettuce. For starters...uh...ugh....
JAMES LIPTON: Why did you stop?! You were doing fantastic!
TIGERBOY: James...I'm sorry...there's no way I can do this. I can't star in a documentary about lettuce.
JAMES LIPTON: But you must! I was thinking of you the whole time I was writing the script! You are the only one who can do this!
TIGERBOY: Yeah, but...no. No, I'm not doing this. I'll see ya later...maybe you can get Doctor or Santa to talk about lettuce instead.
JAMES LIPTON: Don't leave! I need you! I've already got studio offers on the table for this...but they're all contigent on your name being attached!
TIGERBOY: Hold on, there's something stuck under the rug. Is this a piece of your camera equipment? Someone could've tripped over this and gotten hurt, James.
JAMES LIPTON: That isn't mine! I'm very conscientious about not making people trip!
