LEGOTRON: Jesus Christ...this is so fucking stupid. What are we even doing here?
BOX: You're still worried that another skeleton or some other type of demon is going to attack us again?
LEGOTRON: Well aren't you?! What the fuck...how can getting the stupid Advent Calendar gifts be worth risking our heads like this? We should be in the house with everyone else!
BOX: Legotron...if the bogeymen are gonna get us, then the bogeymen are gonna get us...
BOX: ...I really don't think it matters whether we're here or at home.
BRAINS! I mussstt fiiiiinnnd the braaaaiiiinss...becauuuusee...what eeelllssee...would a zombieeeeee doooooo...if not looook for braaaaaiinnns?
MEANWHILE...
MARE: Oh, Knacks...it's such a long story. I really don't even know where to start.
KNACKS: Maybe I can help you. Why don't you start from the point where YOUR SISTER IS A FUCKING RABBIT?!
MARE: Well, yeah, I suppose that would be the primary topic of interest.
MARE: Knacks, you know how it works with my kind. Anything and everything is fair game. Mares can be rabbits...that's just the way it is. But the fact that Hare's a rabbit isn't in itself the problem.
KNACKS: Then what is the problem, Mare? Tell me, what could POSSIBLY be worse...than a giant MARE RABBIT...who wants to KILL US?
MARE: Brace yourself...this one's a doozy. Hare isn't just a rabbit. She's a rabbit who studied black magic for decades. She's a rabbit who did so many horrible things that the gods had no choice but to banish her to one of Jupiter's small moons. This isn't just another chick with hand energy, Knacks.
MARE: ...and the worst part is, I know she isn't acting alone! Hare was always good at wrangling disciples. Last I heard, she was tricking naive kids into returning to Amalthea with her so they could be baptized by some kind of fucked up demon priest!
KNACKS: Well, you have to admit, at least this is fresh territory for us.
MARE: You really should be taking this more seriously, Knacks. Hare is big trouble. I'm so worried about Kuse. All of the phone lines at his office are down. What if she got to him already?
KNACKS: I'll go uptown and see if he's okay.
MARE: Really? You'd seriously be willing to risk your neck to check on Kuse for me?
KNACKS: I'm not just doing it for you, Mare. I know we drifted apart, but he's still my best friend.
MARE: I can never repay you for this, Knacks. Thank you SO much. Just promise me you won't go out there alone. We've got a ton of LEGO guys running around. Bring a few along.
JAMES LIPTON: So, Tigerboy...if you're finished eavesdropping on the so-called "heroes," I have a proposition for you!
TIGERBOY: I see you're holding your camera. If your "proposition" has anything to do with a lettuce documentary, I swear to God I will hold you down and shit on your head.
JAMES LIPTON: No, I'm totally done with the lettuce thing! As I found out the hard way...ruffage is a "ruff" business!
TIGERBOY: James...what do you want?
JAMES LIPTON: A straight, sit-down interview. Twenty minutes, tops.
TIGERBOY: An interview?! Why would you want to interview me?!
JAMES LIPTON: Why?! Do you even have to ask?! My station was flooded with calls after you so heroically caught the maniacal Jacob in the act of being evil! The public demands to be inside the mind of the new hero on the block!
TIGERBOY: I kind of feel like Charlie Brown agreeing to kick the football again, but okay...let's do it!
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: I can't believe this! How could it have just disappeared?! Somebody must have stolen it from me!
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?
MISTA SNOWMAN: Come on, Waiterbuddy! It's time for us to mosey on down to the merry Advent Calendar together!
WAITERBOT: I can't leave yet! I don't know where Cher's leash is!
MISTA SNOWMAN: Sorry, pal! Remember what Mare said? Nobody leaves the house after dark!
WAITERBOT: Wh--what?! So she made an amendment, did she? Well she can't do that! Mare knows what happens to my skin in the sun!
WAITERBOT: Looks like you're staying here, girl. Don't pull any tricks while I'm gone. And don't turn any, either. I want you to stay clean.
CHER: You're disgusting.
WAITERBOT: I am Waiterbot!
LATER!
JAMES LIPTON: Okay Tigerboy, now here's how it's going to work. I'm going to ask you questions from over here, and then you'll answer them. When you do, make sure you look straight at the camera. Don't look at me. Got it?
TIGERBOY: Simple enough. Let's do it.
JAMES LIPTON: One other thing: I'm going to have them edit my questions out, so on television it'll just seem like you're shootin' the breeze with the home audience. So I want you to try to mention the questions as part of your answers...but I don't want you to do it in an obvious way. This is an interview...not Jeopardy.
TIGERBOY: James can you just start rolling please?
JAMES LIPTON: Our first question is...what is your name?
TIGERBOY: Tigerboy.
JAMES LIPTON: And where are you from, Tigerboy?
TIGERBOY: Jersey City.
JAMES LIPTON: And what is your opinion on bears, Tigerboy from Jersey City?
TIGERBOY: Bears? You want me to tell you what I think about bears?
JAMES LIPTON: Yes...but to the camera. Look to the camera.
TIGERBOY: Uh, I think bears are pretty okay, I guess. I like bears well enough.
JAMES LIPTON: Great! Now, please provide the audience with your best bear impression. I want you to really let loose. Pretend you're in the privacy of your bedroom, dancing to the radio after a long shower.
TIGERBOY: See ya, James. I should be mad at you, but I blame myself for this one. I should've known better.
JAMES LIPTON: What are you doing?! Why are you getting up? This was all going so well!
JAMES LIPTON: If this is because I was putting too much emphasis on the "ti" syllable in your name, I promise...I can change my inflection!
MEANWHILE...
CHER: Oh, hello there! I don't believe we've met! I'm Cher! Who are you?
Brrraaaaaiiiins. Braaainns braaaains braaaaains.
CHER: Is that your name? "Brains?" That's an interesting name!
HARE: The equipment you stole from work has proved invaluable to our cause, Hssxxlllo...
HARE: ...truly, one day your skills will surpass even that of my own!
HSSXXLLLO: Thanks, Hare. So what are we going to do now that they know who you really are? This probably blew my cover at work, no?
HARE: I dare say that your work there was finished. Here is where you're needed the most, now.
HARE: It is time to pay tribute to The One Who Would Save Us. He blesses our souls and makes every minute grand.
HSSXXLLLO:Finally! That's all I really wanted to do here, Hare. I just want to let Him know that His path is the only one we follow!
HARE: Prepare the circle. I'll move our "offering" into position.
HSSXXLLLO: "Offering?" What are you talking about?
HARE: A sacrifice. The blood of a fool, transformed into the wine of a god!
HSSXXLLLO: Sacrifice?! The One Who Would Save Us has never asked for that! This is above and beyond the sins we must commit to bring righteousness.
HARE: Hssxxlllo, I told you to forget what they taught you. Nobody wants to admit the truth. In this reality, good does not beget good. Through wreckage is the only avenue to rapture!
LATER!
KNACKS: Well, this is awkward, isn't it?
KUSE: I know. I feel like I haven't seen you in like eight years or something.
KNACKS: Maybe we'll feel better if we reminisce about old times. Remember when we had sushi?
KUSE: Yeah...yeah that was fun.
KNACKS: Yeah.
KUSE: Yeah the sushi was pretty good at that place.
KUSE: So I guess Mare sent you to bring me home, right?
KNACKS: She's worried about you, Kuse. I know you guys are going through a rough patch, but she still really loves you.
KUSE: I know, Knacks...but that's why I can't go home. If I miss even a single paycheck, we can't afford to keep the house. With everything that's been going on, how could I possibly risk having my family live on the streets?
KNACKS: You know, when you put it that way...you actually sound like you're right! Man, Mare would be so pissed if you told her that. She'd have no argument!
KNACKS: Well, I still wish you would come with us, but I understand why you won't.
KUSE: Thanks. Tell everyone I said hi. And tell them to be careful!
KNACKS: Will do. So I guess I'll...see you later?
KUSE: Yeah, I guess?
KNACKS: I feel like I should give you a hug or something, but Mare made me bring a couple of random LEGO dudes up here. I know they're going to start giggling if I do it.
KUSE: It's no problem, Knacks. Just take care of yourself out there. I hope we can catch up when I get some time off.
KNACKS: Eh, you know what? Fuck it.
KNACKS: It's been good to see you, man. We miss you back home.
KUSE: I miss you guys too, buddy.
KNACKS: Just promise me you'll be careful. There's no telling what could happen now that Mare's giant rabbit sister is in town and out for blood.
KUSE: Excuse me?
KUSE: Repeat that last part.
KNACKS: "Out for blood?"
KUSE: No, a little before that.
KNACKS: "Be careful."
KUSE: Too far.
KNACKS: "Giant rabbit?"
KUSE: That's the nut.
KNACKS: Kuse, where are you going?!
KUSE: Mare told me about a skeleton...she never said anything about a giant rabbit! I'll see you later, Knacks...I've gotta find somebody RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
ORANGE OSWALD: Man, that guy looks like a duck when he runs.
KNACKS: Yeah...he always has.
KUSE: Oh fuck me...he's gone. I will fucking kill him if he's a part of this.
MEANWHILE...
HARE: You see, Hssxxlllo? This is what I mean. You were taught that the athame should never be used as a functional blade, and that it should only be used in symbolic gestures. So very wrong. Such very small-minded misinformation for those haggard old priests to have spread so irresponsibly.
HARE: Chant, Hssxxlllo! Chant!
HSSXXLLLO:7777! Our God up in Heaven! Your wonders phase us! You are The One Who Would Save Us! Take this gift, from us to you! Take this gift, we follow you!
HARE: LOUDER! LOUDER!
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: Okay, look...I don't know who you are, but me and the snowman...we don't want any problems.
WAITERBOT: ...we just came here to do our jobs. We took you out of the box, and now we're done. If you're upset about that, nobody is stopping you from crawling back inside it. We promise, we won't try to pull you out again.
MISTA SNOWMAN: Waiterbuddy...who is she?!
WAITERBOT: I don't know, snowman. But she is extremely tall.
