KUSE: They totally stole that line from Dilbert. Dilbert fucking sucks. I have no fucking idea why they fucking did that. Jesus I'm cranky.
JOE: Morning, Kuse! How did your secret rendezvous with that girl of yours go yesterday? Did the boss find out that you snuck out?
KUSE: No he didn't, thank God, but it was a total disaster...
KUSE: I did my hair and picked up a bunch of flowers, and when I got home, everything was going great. She looked fantastic. So we did the obligatory small talk thing before finally heading to the bedroom, and what do we find when we get there? My friends...boinking! It was this dude Legotron -- he has eight heads -- and this chick Waiterbetty, who has no body. Totally killed our mood. By the time we got over the shakes, it was time to come back to this hellhole.
JOE: So you're telling me that an eight-headed man and a woman without a body were having sex in your bed?
JOE: Kuse, I like you. You're my compadre. As a friend, I want to give you a little advice: Don't tell that story to anyone else in the office. You sound like a complete wacko.
KUSE: The worst part was when I went downstairs and found out that this year's Santa Claus is shorter than I am.
JOE: Kuse...please...just go sit at your desk and read a magazine or something.
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: Hey goatdick, will you hurry it up and get that thing in here?
MISTA SNOWMAN: Sorry, Waiterbuddy! It's pretty heavy! And why couldn't we just open this down at the Advent Calendar?
WAITERBOT: Because I want to see and savor the look on Knacks' face when I pull "it" out of the box for the first time!
WAITERBOT: You know snowman, for someone who was born on an Advent Calendar, you sure don't know very much about them. But I do! I've been in this game long enough to know that there's only one kind of gift that comes in a box of this shape and stature!
WAITERBOT: There's a new Mare in this box, Mista Snowman. I can feel it. And when Knacks gets home, I'll make him watch me feel her! Ah ha ha! He may have won the battle yesterday, but nothing birthed from a shitty LEGO Advent Calendar can match wits with a new Mare!
MEANWHILE...
KNACKS: Hey Tigerboy...before we open up today's gift...I kinda wanted to talk to you.
TIGERBOY: Okay, shoot.
KNACKS: I think it's time we took this relationship to the next level.
TIGERBOY: ...
KNACKS: Dude I'm just fucking with you.
KNACKS: Actually, I wanted to apologize about yesterday. I know I was acting a little...I dunno...mean? I still think Waiterbot's a jerk, but that's not why I was in such a bad mood. See, I've been sending e-mails to Mare -- my Mare, I mean...the blonde one -- for months, and she still hasn't responded. Not once. Not a peep.
KNACKS: I should either feel "worried" or "abandoned," but since I don't know what the real story is, I'm stuck feeling both. It really sucks. She was perfect for me. I guess maybe she thought I wasn't so perfect for her?
KNACKS: Thanks for letting me vent, dude. I've blogged about it, but somehow, I just feel better spilling my guts out loud.
TIGERBOY: You blogged about it? Where, on MySpace?
KNACKS: Yeah, but please...don't read it. I wrote it when I was really angry, and I kinda called you a bunch of names.
TIGERBOY: Knacks, I've spent my life wearing a tiger costume. Trust me, I've heard them all.
TIGERBOY: Okay, so what's the verdict today?
KNACKS: I'm 97.7% sure that I got this guy out of a previous year's Advent Calendar. Don't feel like scouring my photo album to prove it, but I'm 97.7% sure.
TIGERBOY: Well it couldn't have been last year's. I would've remembered a guy wearing a tiger orange jumpsuit. I have to say, I feel a kinship brewing.
LATER!
BOX: Mom, can we talk?
MARE: Sure honey...what do you want to talk about?
BOX: Waiterbot said I need your permission if I want to sleep with Waiterbetty.
MARE: ...
BOX: Dude I'm just fucking with you.
BOX: Actually, I want to talk about Dad. Is he mad at us? Is he tired of us? Is that why he stays at work all the time?
MARE: Oh, Box...don't ever, ever think that way! The truth is, the reason your father works so much is because he loves you, and he wants you to have a nice, safe place to live.
BOX: But what's the point of having this big house if we don't have Dad here to protect it?
MARE: Well Box, the thing is...uh...
MARE: ...actually, you have a point. I'm totally guilting him with that one later.
MARE: You've got more of my family's genes in there than I thought, Box.
BOX: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
MARE: Heh...time will tell!
JAMES LIPTON: Excuse me, Miss Mare? I hate to intrude on your remarkablous familial epiphany...
JAMES LIPTON: ...but Waiterbot says I need your permission if I want to sleep with Waiterbetty. Pleeeeaaaassse?
LATER!
KNACKS: Okay, Orange Oswald, this is our home! And now it's your home, too!
OSWALD: Shit! This place is fo' keeps. I mean get real -- is this floor legit marble tile? I done went and found myself heaven on earth.
TIGERBOY: ...and just like that, the kinship brews no more.
WAITERBOT: WELL WELL WELL! Look who it is! And what'd he bring with him? My, is that today's LEGO gift? I do believe it must be! And what a cute little bright-shirted man he is! I do so wonder WHAT it would take for Playmobil to top a gift of that magnitude!
KNACKS: Here we go. Oswald, meet Waiterbot. It's like having our very own ALF.
WAITERBOT: Don't be coy with me, you fizzing bottle of fizzy sludge! You thought you were soooo clever yesterday, starting a competition when I was stuck with nothing but flowers to defend myself! Today will be different!
WAITERBOT: MORON IN WHITE, open that box! Do it now!
WAITERBOT: Tell me, Knacks! A box of that size, a box of that shape...what could be in there? Is it a wheelbarrow? No, no, I don't think it could be that. Maybe a hamster cage? Wait, no, that box is far too large and humanoid-shaped for a mere hamster cage! Gee, I wonder what it could be!
MISTA SNOWMAN: IT'S FLOWERS! A TON OF GREAT, PRETTY FLOWERS!
WAITERBOT: WHAT?! NO!!! How could a box that big be for flowers?!
KNACKS: This is seriously the funniest shit ever.
KNACKS: You know, I'm not even gonna rag on you. You're not worth it.
WAITERBOT: I am so worth it!
KNACKS: Jeez, you got flowers two days in a row. That's brutal. I actually feel bad for you.
