MARE: So, I heard things didn't go quite as well as you hoped.
KNACKS: Nope. Guess I'm not "relationship material." I did see last year's Santa, though.
MARE: Seriously? How the heck is he?
KNACKS: The same. Jolly.
KNACKS: ...but back to the other thing...I don't know, Mare. I tried so hard with this girl. I mean, I tried --SO-- hard. I treated her right, I gave her presents, I went the whole nine yards. I can't figure out what happened. Why is it that the people who want and need love the most always seem to never really get it?
MARE: I don't know, Knacks. I really don't. But you know, the grass is always greener. I'm married, and I promise you that there are days when I feel three times as alone as you've ever felt. Maybe it's just something in the air...I don't know.
MEANWHILE...
ALL WE NEED IS A PEAR TREE TO PUT THIS IN, AND WE'RE SET!
WAITERBOT: Idiot! It's a peacock, not a partridge! And even it was a partridge, it'd still be horrible!
MISTA SNOWMAN: Don't talk like that in front of our new friend! Let her only hear good things for Christmas! Besides, she's the perfect guest of honor for Knacks and Tigerboy's homecoming party tonight!
WAITERBOT: Wh--what did you say?
WAITERBOT: So! That beady little freak is back from his ill-advised vision quest, is he?
WAITERBOT: Come, girl. There is someone you just have to meet!
CHER: This leash...what is this, silk?
WAITERBOT: Ha! It is polyester! I bought the cheapest material possible out of spite!
LATER!
JACOB: I don't believe I've had the honor of meeting you, kind sir. I'm Jacob.
JAMES LIPTON: I'm Director James Lipton. I'm a bear ROAR ROAR
JACOB: My, that is quite the bear impression you've got there! You've certainly impressed me, James Lipton!
JAMES LIPTON: Director James Lipton...you mean Director James Lipton.
TIGERBOY: What do you think of this new guy, Knacks?
KNACKS: I dunno. Seems okay to me. I'd say that the cape's a little weird, but...well, you're wearing one, and even if you weren't, you'd still be dressed like a tiger.
TIGERBOY: Yeah, but my outfit has a solid theme from top to bottom. It's weirder to just throw a cape over regular clothes.
TIGERBOY: I don't think I trust him.
KNACKS: Huh? Why? You've only known him for five minutes!
TIGERBOY: Nobody would be that nice to James if they weren't after something.
KNACKS: Aw, come on...we finally have someone pleasant around here! The fact that he's not cursing and spitting at everyone is more than I can say for some of the people who live in this house.
WAITERBOT: My ears are burning. I rather like it!
KNACKS: Ugh, not you. What do you want?
WAITERBOT: Follow me and you'll find out. Follow me up those ...platforms...those small platforms that lay atop one another...but at a forward slant as you move up them....you know...
KNACKS: Are you talking about the stairs?
WAITERBOT: YES, follow me up the stairs!
MEANWHILE...
LEGOTRON: Man, I was really hoping we'd get something better than this before Knacks and Tigerboy came home. This is probably our last day on the job, and this is the best the gods can do?
BOX: It's not so bad. Maybe we'll get HBO now.
LEGOTRON: I prefer HSN.
BOX: Don't say it. Oh God...please don't say it. It's too lame.
LEGOTRON: Oh come on...you KNOW I have to say it.
BOX: You're going down a few notches in my ratings book if you do!
LEGOTRON: I can't help myself!
LEGOTRON: "HEAD SHOPPING NETWORK."
LEGOTRON: It was worth it!!
LATER!
WAITERBOT: Ha! Now that we've climbed "the stairs," I can now put on display a sight that will wreak havoc on your soul and play awful tricks with your mind!
KNACKS: And why exactly would you want to do that?
WAITERBOT: Because I am Waiterbot!
WAITERBOT: Feast your eyes on this, Knacks! My very own Mare Winningham! I've named her Cher! Have fun plucking airport traffic equipment from your shoddy LEGO Advent Calendar...I'm sure its future gifts will be almost as good as this one!
TIGERBOY: Uh, Knacks?
KNACKS: I know, Tigerboy. You don't have to say it.
KNACKS: She looks exactly like my ex-girlfriend.
WAITERBOT: Oh yes, the trollop from last year's Advent Calendar! I understand she moved in with some stud with six-pack abs who goes through life being much taller than you are!
KNACKS: Shut up Waiterbot.
MEANWHILE...
???????: Report status.
JACOB: It's a cakewalk...I got 'em all fooled. Nobody has any idea that I wasn't really a gift from that pathetic fairy tale Advent Calendar. I've already gained everyone's trust!
JACOB: ...in fact, with one of your primary targets...I think I'm gaining a little more than just "trust!"
???????: Do not be overly confident. This isn't a game. Tell me more.
JACOB: Well, I don't know, they all kind of just bum around all day. There isn't much to tell. Oh, the short guy with the sunglasses...apparently he tried to track down that girl you told me about, but he thinks she just bailed on him...they've got no idea that she's really dead!
???????: Dead? I never told you she was dead.
???????: I only said that "alive" would not be the adjective best suited to her.
