MARE: Well, I can't say that this has been my favorite Christmas season.
KUSE: Nope. Trapped in a dungeon...guarded by killer, giant coconut crabs...I think we've had better.
KNACKS: Plus, it's only a matter of time before Arcano waddles back on down here to try to make Mare to boink him again.
KUSE: Knacks is right, Mare. Arcano is getting more insane and aggressive by the day...we've got to find a way out of here!
MARE: I'm totally with you, Kuse, but it's already been established that we're no match for giant coconut crabs.
KUSE: Ugh...there must be another way.
KNACKS: Guys, hold on a second. I think I have an idea!
KUSE: Knacks, we've been through this a hundred times. Your "idea speeches" always end with you saying the same thing: "Oh yeah, sorry...I didn't think of that."
KNACKS: This time it's different! Remember how I used to collect rocks and minerals? Well, I just realized something...
KNACKS: These walls are made of limestone! It's a good rock, sure, but it isn't a very hard one. If we really worked at it, we could probably claw our way right through this shit!
KUSE: Mare, what do you say? It's better than his other ideas, at least.
MARE: Okay, maybe that could work, but I think you're both forgetting something...
MARE: ...that crab isn't a genius, but he'd probably notice if we started trying to break holes through the dungeon walls.
KNACKS: Oh yeah, sorry...I didn't think of that.
KUSE: God damn these fucking coconut crabs!
KNACKS: I guess my idea won't work, then?
KUSE: Well, maybe it can...but one of us is going to have to distract that crab while the other two break down the limestone.
KUSE: Would you mind keeping him busy? I'm no good at that kind of stuff.
KNACKS: Ha, yeah right, Kuse. Tell you what, I'll flip you for it. If you call it, I'll handle the crab.
KUSE: Oh come on, you know I never win at that.
KNACKS: Heads or tails, Kuse?
KUSE: Grrrr. Fine...tails.
KNACKS: Sorry, buddy. Good luck!
KUSE: Motherfucker. I am so not mentally prepared to distract this crab.
MEANWHILE...
HARE: Claire, honestly, is this all there is for us now? Bit players in LEGO Calendar scenes? Truly this is a waste of our talents.
CLAIRE: Damn it Hare, enough! I've got one arm, no hands and somebody else's legs...I'm in no shape for evil!
CLAIRE: Can't we wait until next year for our usual batch of nastiness? I'd really like to spend one Christmas season just relaxing.
HARE: Very well, but on the wax-sealed holy texts of Amalthea, I swear to you, my days of murder have not ended!
CLAIRE: Well mine haven't either, Hare! I'm just saying that we're allowed to take a break!
ROBOCLOWN: There we go! All done!
MISTA SNOWMAN: What is it, Roboclown?
ROBOCLOWN: It appears to be some sort of futuristic fountain that sprays mystical blue flames instead of water.
MISTA SNOWMAN: Are you kidding?! This is exactly what I hoped today's gift would be!
MISTA SNOWMAN: Why aren't the rest of you dancing?
HARE: ...and you're sure we can't kill them this year, Claire?
CLAIRE: Not 100% sure.
MEANWHILE...
HSSXXLLLO: Santa, it's not that I mind having you drop in on us week after week, but it'd be nice of you to call first so we could tidy up.
SANTA: I've weighed the options, Hssxxlllo. I'd rather surprise you with my visits and wallow in filth, than let you know I'm coming and walk on a clean floor.
HSSXXLLLO: That's sort of a weird thing to have a preference about, Santa.
SANTA: I'm a quirky son of a bitch.
SANTA: Actually, I'm not even Santa Claus. I'm the station manager for a local cable network. My real name is Adam.
HSSXXLLLO: Santa/Adam, I'd like you to meet Jet. He's my...uh...
JET: Hi Santa! I can't believe you're really here...it's such an honor to meet you!
SANTA: Thank you, child.
MEANWHILE...
WAITERBOT: Skateboard, check. Random tree, check. Laptop, check. Hssxxlllo's piss bed of hay, check.
WAITERBOT: Are you getting all of this, Charles?
SMITH: I am, but I still don't understand why we're taking inventory of everything.
WAITERBOT: It is not your job to understand!
WAITERBOT: It looks like almost everything is accounted for, but strangely, many of this year's LEGO gifts seem to be missing.
WAITERBOT: This could be cause for alarm, but I just can't bring myself to care about missing LEGO gifts.
SMITH: Sir, do you want me to organize this inventory in alphabetical order, or should I list everything by item type?
WAITERBOT: Eat shit and die, Charles.
MEANWHILE...
MEANWHILE...
MARE: Knacks, I thought you said that limestone was soft?! This is going to take forever!
KNACKS: I didn't say it was soft, Mare...I just said that there are probably harder rocks that Arcano could've used for his dungeon.
MARE: This is ridiculous! It could take months to scratch through this shit!
KNACKS: We don't have months, Mare! Scratch harder!
KNACKS: How ya holding up back there, Kuse?
KUSE: Just fucking dandy, Knacks.
KUSE: So uh...giant coconut crab guy...planning any nice vacations for next year?
KUSE: You know where you should go? Niagara Falls. It's really breathtaking, and I'm pretty sure you can even gamble there, now.
KUSE: If that's not your thing, maybe Mexico? Prices are insanely cheap right now. You can stay at a four star hotel for the price of a two star hotel. Amazing, right?
COCONUT CRAB: .....
KUSE: Guys, can you hurry it up? The crab hates talking to me.
