The following are actual submissions to a website entitled "Songs To Wear Pants To," where some guy creates songs by request and gives 'em to you for a fee.

"If there were a character in a Broadway musical who gets suspended upside-down above a shark tank and is forced under penalty of death to summarize the whole of world history in less than one minute and eleven seconds, I was just wondering what that would sound like."

"Please make a song about cheese and how it is really good but sometimes too hot, so hot that it can burn the top of your mouth off!"

"I think you should write a song about a man ordering a burrito and being extremely intimidated by the size of it."

"I bet you could make a killer song out of my lame boss! He's a body-builder, and he has an album full of pictures of himself from his competing days, and he's in a Speedo and it's really disturbing and he shows it to everyone. He uses phrases like 'on the juice' and 'roid rage' and 'carbo load.' He eats gross food all the time and always tells me what his body fat percentage is. He blinks WAY TOO MUCH. He says 'basically' all the time, when it doesn't even make sense to use it, like ten times a sentence. No joke."

"My rabbit has eaten the last of the lettuce and my mother will not go to the market until tomorrow. Please write him a cheering song and mention my name, Silvia, so he knows that I love him more than my brother. His name is Joe. The brother, not the rabbit. The rabbit's name is Poopie. He is the color of poo."

"You should write a little love song with male and female vocals, both of which you should sing. The premise of this song being that girl loves boy because he knows how much milk and sugar she likes in her coffee. And boy loves girl because she likes zombies."

"learn to pronounce awlghilagnklbndafkjngaklehkrgth, then make a song with and about it"

"Write an 8 second song for me about rain and mention turtles..."

"Could you, please, write a short acoustic bouncy pretty song using only the words:


Do with them what you will."

"A long time ago, I used to work for a software company where I met a woman named Charmin. I couldn't believe her name was actually Charmin. I mean, damn, can you?

Anyway, I had a crush on her, and one afternoon I wrote a poem about her based on that old "Don't squeeze the Charmin" TV ad for Charmin paper towel.

I just dug it up. Could you set it to music? Man, I'd pretty much wet myself if you did. No, really.

If I Were The King
A Poem By Patrick Roscoe

If I was the King
I would be so alarmin'
That no one would guess
I was squeezin' the Charmin

If I was the King, well,
I'd say to my barman:
"Hey, pour me a Coke!"
As I softly squeezed Charmin

If I were the King
Everyone would say "Darlin...
Is that you in the basement there
Squeezing poor Charmin?"

If I was the King
Man, I'd call myself Star Man
And wear a big space-suit
While squeezin' my Charmin.

If I was the King
I would FIRE that Tarman
And pave roads myself
While squeezin' the Charmin

If I was the King...
Damn, my name would be "Marvin"!
And I'd eat some grits, man
While squeezing sweet Charmin

If I was the King
Holy ****, I'd be carvin'
A big bloody steak
As I softly squeezed Charmin

If I was the king
I would be so damn charmin'
That no would notice me
Squeezin' the Charmin"

"please do a cover of the apples and bananas song I LIKE TO EAT EAT EAT APPLES AND BANANANAS so it sounds less english than usual"

"Four words: barbershop quartet style hip-hop."

Click any one of these obscenities uttered by Robin on that old Batman show to return to the main page:

Holy Armadillos!
Holy Astringent Pomite Fruit!
Holy Bank Balance!
Holy Bat-Trap!
Holy Bikini!
Holy Chicken Coop!
Holy Chocolate Eclair!
Holy Cinderella!
Holy Disappearing Act!
Holy Eggshells!
Holy Escape Hatch!
Holy Fishbowl!
Holy Hairdo!
Holy Hamburger!
Holy Hole-in-a-Doughnut!
Holy Hot Foot!
Holy Mashed Potatoes!
Holy Mermaid!
Holy Rock Garden!
Holy Snowball!
Holy Ship! (no really, Robin actually said Holy Ship)
Holy Ten Toes!
Holy Uncanny Photographic Mental Processes!
Holy Waste of Energy!
Holy Whiskers!
Holy Zorro!