This is a remake of a much earlier, much shorter review (you can find the original here).

Jingle Bell Rock, produced on the cheap by DEEK, appeared on TGIF in place of Boy Meets World one week in December of 1995. I could've been sore about it, but I figured "eh, let's give it a chance." I might've been the only one saying that.

This one may have the most inside-baseball Hollywood industry jokes per minute of any Christmas special I've seen (most have zero, but this one works overtime to bring up the average quite a bit). The special opens in ah office where a big-time, big-chin Hollywood producer is squawking on his giganto 90s cellular. "Listen kiddo, they dont call Jerry LaBello the miracle man of show business for nothing! But this time I even outdid myself! This time I, personally, saved Christmas! ...alright alright, so I did get a little help from an elf."

"It started at the North Pole. The ink on their books was as red as the fat man's suit."

See, Santa's in financial trouble (so much for being magic). His accountant complains that he spends more than he takes in, and gives too many toys away. And he's way too lenient lately with the Naughty List! The elf holds the list up for a second for the viewers to catch a quick gag...the only names on it are Howard Stern, Dennis Rodman and Bob Packwood. Get it?

Stern and Rodman were very famous in the mid-90s for being rude people (and they got paid a ton for it), but I'm gonna have to explain Packwood: he was an Oregon senator who resigned under allegations of sexual harrassment that proved true. This reference wouldn't have survived past 1995.

The elf accountant continues. "If you'd enforced your trademark like I told you to, I'd have a few billion more to work with! But nooo, you HAD to go public domain." Santa suggests they use Mrs. Claus's rainy day fund, but it turns out they spent it already. Santa is now worried they'll have to cancel Christmas, unless the Saudis buy them out (that joke isn't in there, and couldn't be, but it would very much fit with everything else).

We dissolve to elsewhere in the workshop and the North Pole Music Department, where the unshaven, ornery imp in charge, Art, hasn't received an order in weeks. He hasn't been told about the financial situation yet, but figures something's up. None of his underlings are changing his mood...not Richie, his dopey assistant, or Buddy, the elf who's supposed to have retrieved his mittens by now. But no, Buddy is doing what he always does, strumming his living guitar Peggy Sue and dreaming of landing a hit.

He just came up with "Jingle Bell Rock." The reindeer in the stables seem to love it enough to clap their hooves, but when he comes to Art with the mittens, Art doesn't want to hear anything about new music.
Art grumbles that Buddy is wasting his time. "We already have ENOUGH Christmas songs! If Santa wanted any more, he'd ask ME first! Now go do some meaningless chore while hanging your head."

Later that day, Santa has to call a conference with all the elves to deliver the bad news. "Christmas is in jeopardy. Until I can restore our finances, I have no choice but to let you go." The elves all gasp. But Buddy has an idea, which he exclusively and naively shares with his rotten co-workers. "I bet WE can save Christmas...if I took a trip to the real world and sold my new song!" Art initially turns the idea down with loud force.

Richie has a laugh. "Ha ha! Like he's gonna sell his song...earn a ton of cash...save Christmas and get a big promotion! Ain't that funny, Art!" It's then that Art realizes there's a chance Buddy COULD succeed. And if he does...well, it's Art who wants that promotion, so HE'S going to beat Buddy at his own plan and save Christmas first!

One dissolve later they are walking down the streets of Hollywood. Buddy wonders if, being elves, they are going to stand out there. One quick glimpse at the average attire of the LA sidewalk patron calms his nerves about that. Art and Richie spend their walk making pre-#MeToo remarks about random women they see. "How'd ya like to deck the halls with THOSE?" Richie stares at a centerfold and says "She'd get awfully cold at the North Pole!"

Art and Richie spend their first day goofing off at the motel, while Buddy does all the work peddling his song. None of the record labels seem interested. He's soon reduced to holding a "New Song For Sale" sign on the curb and getting splashed at by cars. It's a tougher town than he thought.

But eventually, he sees a sign that changes his fortune: open auditions for the Christmas episode of Star Seekers! It's the prime-time TV program where stars are made overnight. He tells Art and Richie and they arrive the next day (of course Buddy is forced to carry all their musical equipment). Art has dreams of being a star and landing multiple albums, concert tours and having cash to literally burn, as well as women on both arms. "Don't forget saving Christmas!" Buddy reminds them. "Yeah, that too," Art handwaves.

While the other two are bickering Buddy hears a lovely melody, and walks away to investigate. He spots a redheaded woman singing "The First Noel" alone at a bus stop. He interrupts her crooning and tells her she's really good. "Thanks. ...Nice costume, by the way."

"Why aren't you in the audition line?" Buddy wonders. "Oh, I wish I could," she replies, "but I have a horrible fear of crowds! I love singing, just...not in front of people." Buddy whispers in her ear about his super secret method for defeating the stage jitters. "That's a great idea!" the woman says, and decides to give herself a chance.

The woman's name, by the way, is Holly...Buddy and Holly, get it? You can't make this pun anymore because Will Ferrell has legally tied up the possibility of ever naming another elf "Buddy" again.

Holly walks onto the stage. The producer, who is the guy we saw in the first minute of the special, doesn't really seem to be paying attention to the auditions...he's gabbing into two 90s giganto cell phones at the same time and holding them at both ears. Holly is nervous at first, until she tries Buddy's super secret method, which Buddy definitely didn't invent: imagining producer Jerry in his underwear. After she does this, her singing voice comes out smooth as butter. She nails "The First Noel," but the producer still doesn't seem to be paying attention.

It's only after she finishes that he suddenly leaps toward the stage and surprisingly gushes: "THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL! YOU'RE LIKE A NIGHTINGGALE! I LOVE IT, BABY, LOVE IT!"
"Thanks, Uncle Jerry!" Holly says in response.
Uncle Jerry, huh? I'd ask if there might be some kind of nepotism thing going on here, but my bigger immediate concern is...why was she imagining HER UNCLE in his underwear?

Actually, Holly immediately brings this up. The nepotism thing, not the underwear thing. "This isn't you giving me special treatment because I'm your niece, is it?"
"LISTEN! BABY! I'M THE #1 PRODUCER IN HOLLYWOOD! I wouldn't be where I am today if I gave out special favors! What, are you challenging my integrity?" His phone immediately goes off at that moment and he whispers into it "Huh? Why not? Everybody cheats on their taxes."

Holly has won placement on tonight's show. There's one slot left now, and Buddy is determined to win it -- if only Art and Richie weren't so determined as well. They grab his guitar away, stuff him into a trash basket and kick him down the street, then revamp their planned act. "The Elves" is now "The Act Formerly Known As The Elves And Now Known As Two Bad Boys From Way Up North."

Art and Richie wail on their instruments haphazardly and screech something that could barely be considered a song. Jerry's eyes are popping out of his head. It's the worsr audition of all time. It's actually causing traffic accidents outside.

Outside is where Buddy is, but not for long. "I can't believe it. Those two clowns robbed me of my chance to audition! It was my idea to come here in the first place...they don't even like to sing! Well, forget them...I've got just as much right to audition as they do. I've been working on this song all year! I KNOW IT'S GOOD." He walks back into the building just in time to see....

....they somehow DIDN'T bomb it. Despite the act literally turning his face green, Jerry gives it the thumbs up. All the other auditioners are told to go home, including Buddy. He can't believe it.

Back at Santa's the other elves took a collection and managed to scrounge together 87 dollars in change. It's nice, but it's not enough to cover Santa's debts. The accountant elf suggests selling timeshares; Santa turns the idea down.

Buddy is sitting at the bus stop waiting for his ride back to the North Pole. One other passenger is there, a kid preparing to take his ride back to Grandma's. "She makes me practice the piano, but I'd rather play baseball. I'm the best player around, 'cause of my lucky glove. Do YOU have a lucky glove?"
"I don't have a lucky anything," Buddy laments.

"Aw, that's too bad. Here, you can have MY lucky glove," the kid offers. "I know Santa will give me a new one. He NEVER lets me down!" With that the clueless kid boards the bus, leaving the glove. Staring at it, Buddy realizes he can't let him or anybody else down. He can't give up. He's GOT to win that competition, even if it means...helping Art and Richie.

The other two elves are unloading their equipment backstage and have no idea Buddy almost left. "Where've you BEEN?" barks Art. "You're lucky I don't fire you!"
"Look, it's gonna be tough out there tonight, and Christmas is riding on this!" Buddy points out. "Holly's got a real sweet voice...I thought you could use my song! It's a can't-miss!"

"SUUUURE, we'd be HAPPY to take your song..." Art cackles, as he grabs the sheet, wads it into a ball and prepares to throw it. "You always wanted to know what I thought of it...NOW YOU KNOW!" He hurls it across the road to Buddy's horror.

Fortunately the paper ball sails through Holly's open window. When she picks it up and uncrumples it, she tries out the melody for herself. It fits perfectly!
"Oh!" exclins Buddy when he climbs through the window. "It's you! You have my song!"

"This is YOUR SONG?" Holly beams. "It's fantastic! The WORLD should hear it! Do you mind if I sing it tonight?"
"Sure! And...you know what?" Buddy suddenly gets an idea. "We should sing it TOGETHER!"
Well, wait a minute there, Buddy -- what about the competition? The prize? If Holly gets it, YOU won't get it...what about Christmas? What about that kid and his glove?

Holly has to tell her uncle about the change in plans. But she approaches his door just in time to hear his secret plan. "Sis, turn on your TV. Holly's gonna win! It's all set. I know because I picked the acts she's up against! They are PATHETIC."

"YOU RIGGED THE SHOW!" Holly enters his office in a rage. "You didn't think I could do it on my own!"
"Baby, you don't understand...."
"You didn't believe in me!" She huffs out.

Art and Richie overheard the conversation too, and they now realize their act is a flop. Their dreams of stardom are kaput. "Aw, I thought we sung like angels," says Richie.
"You know something," Art says, thinking of another scheme, "maybe we can."

Latet that evening, when their act is up, Art and Richie walk on stage with a guitar and drum set. Art pushes a tape recorder hidden in his shirt and they lip-synch to a store-bought tape of someone singing Jingle Bells. This actually works and they receive the highest score imaginable.

Thst sets a high bar for Holly and Buddy to beat. But Holly is refusing to step out there, not if the game is rigged. "You want a replacement act, THERE'S your guy!" she says. pointing at Buddy. Buddy says he won't do it without Holly. Jerry doesn't have time for this and shoves them both out onto the stage.

The MOMENT they begin singing, someone hits the Fast Forward button in the edit bay and the entire rest of the special whooshes by in a montage. Of course they win, we all expected that, and they BEAT the perfect score, raising it by one decimal point. The people backstage also find the tape recorder in Art's shirt.

A lot of stuff happens in the next few seconds: Holly and Buddy are shown with a giant $100,000 check, which I guess they split! Holly and Buddy hit the cover of Rolling Stone! They perform concerts to cheering crowds! Everyone's lining up to buy their album! And back at Santa's the prize AND the royalties are leaving them rolling in dough! Christmas is back on and the kid gets his new glove! And finally, Art and Richie are demoted to shoveling the stables, and Buddy has taken their place as the head of the music department.

He winks as we iris out and he's holding two 90s giganto cell phones in both ears.

Why didn't it fit in?
It feels like writers Cliff Ruby and Elana Lesser were using their job of writing a holiday special to vent out their frustration with the Hollywood system. Everything's here: ego, corruption, nepotism, materialism, cheating, pretending to be someone you're not...the only thing they didn't cover was the Casting Couch, but with several lurid gags in the special I get the sense no one would have stood in their way. I'm sure this was all cathartic for them, but it wasn't relatable at all to anyone watching outside the Valley.

It wasn't given much of a chance anyway. ABC only ran Jingle Bell Rock once. They also ran it after a repeat of the Family Matters episode where Urkel and Laura see each other naked. It was almost unfair.