Magazines do. And websites...and newspapers...and any other periodical on the face of the earth. Every so often, each one of them makes an "educated and researched" list of the top 100 butterfly species of all time, or the greatest lava lamps ever, or pretty much anything else. And as I said before, these lists aren't really to decide what's better than something else once and for all...they're made to tick people off who disagree, and from the resulting attention sell more copies.

Case in point: this is last month's Good Housekeeping issue. (I've always found it interesting that this magazine has been able to keep its name from the 19th century after all this time with no radical feminists trying to blow them up, especially in the 70's.)
On the cover is Brooke Shields: 80's supermodel, 90's sitcom star, and the only person in the world who thought "I'm With Her" was funny. But she's not important...the real interest is what's inside: yes, Good Housekeeping finally made a "best of everything" list. In fact, that's what it's called: "The Best of Everything List." I learned so much from my mother's copy that I had to pass it on. This is, without a doubt, the best "best" list ever.

You're looking at the best dress of all time. Good Housekeeping said so, and they wouldn't print stuff that's not true. I don't know much about dresses so I'll have to assume they're right.

The Easiest Wrinkle Reducer of All Time happens to be "Frownies," the sticky pieces of gauze you attach to your face to stretch it out before bedtime! Then, you sleep in pain like that all night! When you awaken, the wrinkles have been STRETCHED away, POOF! You're PRETTY! GH mentions it's used by most celebrities, which again proves it has to be the best thingy of all time.

This is the Ultimate White Shirt. All other white shirts are inferior to this White Shirt. Your untrained eye may not be able to tell, but who are you going to believe, Good Housekeeping or yourself? You don't run your own magazine. Trust the experts.

This is the best litter box ever made, because it's not one of those ugly plastic eyesores that look bad next to your signature Ethan Allen chairs. Instead it has the appearance of a cabinet or something you might stack hardcover books inside. Prices start at $150 (I said they START there), but money should be no obligation if you want to avoid the Franderfeldshaws coming over and turning up their nose at the blatantly obvious sand-and-cat-waste bin sitting right there. Of course, then I imagine they'll want to read something while waiting for you, so they'll open what looks like a book cabinet and you'll suddenly hear "AAAAAAAUGH, WHAT DID I JUST PUT MY HAND IN???"

Maybe this is the best kitty privy ever.

The Best Color of All Time is Green. Know why? ....Um, they didn't specify why, but maybe the deciding factor was "Green's the color of snot, ha ha!"

If you're going to decide once and for all what the Greatest Song is, you have a lot of work ahead of'll need to listen to millions of tunes from all eras and cultures, weigh their historical significance, their fanbase, their intellectual value, and so on. It must have been very hard work, but I trust that Good Housekeeping spared no expense in determing that the Best Song Ever is the Happy Birthday song. Poor Paul McCartney got stiffed.
They're right about the song being heavily copyrighted. Most people don't realize this. Have you ever noticed that when you go to a restraunt and the employees are loudly proclaiming somebody's birthday, they never sing this song? It's also rarely ever heard in movies or television, except in films owned by Warner Bros. of course. Under Fair Use Laws, you can still sing Happy Birthday to your just can't sell the home movie you made of that celebration.

Well duh, of course it's beans. Pasta and soup always comes out watered down and thinned out. The only problem is, I've never been crazy for beans. Brooke Shields probably likes beans.

Against Richard Hatch? Are you crazy??

I won't say Olive Garden doesn't rock, because it does. But best ever? I really don't think so. Izzy's Pizza is the best franchise restraunt, and there are several independent, one-location only places that are much better than anything. Oh yeah, and these guys are frauds: authentic Italian food tastes nothing like what they serve at the Olive Garden. If they tried to be true, not as many people would eat there. It's the truth.

This was one of the biggest surprises....I mean, I was surprised by their choice of white shirt, but when it came to choosing the greatest TV family, they chose Family Ties? Oookay....well, they could have done a lot better(The Simpsons), but they could have done a lot worse(Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica). Family Ties has always been just kinda "there," something you watch when bored. In the 80's it was better than Growing Pains, but everything was, even the Popeil infomercials.

Other revelations: the Greatest Video Game Ever is the SNES adaption of "True Lies," the Greatest Gun Ever is the semiautomatic .47 rifle, and the Greatest Word ever is "potato."