Compiled by me, plus Peter Garcia, someone in Australia whom I do not know the name of despite knowing him online since 2001, and several other people

"Oh no! He didn't make it!"
"And he squashed our boy!"

--Free Willy director's cut, The Simpsons

"Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken."

"Kneel before the hamster that serves up flaming white-hot spheres of justice."
--Print ad for Kirby's Dreamland 2

"I'm highly opposed to sex on the TV. I've tried it. But I fell off!"
--Jerry "The King"

"Do you really want your kids to grow up to be you?"
--an actual sign on a day care center lawn

"People come up with stupid ideas all the time. That's why your detergent tells you not to eat it."

--Weekly World News

"If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie."
--Bill Maher

“Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them."
--Pauline Kael

"Chaplin had plenty of fart jokes, you just couldn't hear them."

"Finally proof that the WWE is real as the writers strike did not have any effect on it!"
--from IGN's comments section

"Drown to death in puke!! Don't you think that's an incredibly masculine taunt to throw at you??"
--Belch, Earthbound

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
--Terry Pratchett

"The existence of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said 'I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away.'"

"Fear? Ha! I laugh in the face of Fear! I party with Peril! Once I snapped a wet towel at Terror, then put itching powder in its shorts!"

"It must be autumn in New York. I saw a nut gathering squirrels."
--David Letterman

"Gamers like to complain. A lot. It's sort of what we do."

"Miyamoto got the inspiration for Pikmin from his garden. What kind of garden?"
--defunct game magazine GMR

"Nintendo's new president announced the company's desire to eventually go the way of Sega and begin making games for all platforms...including the Xbox. What he didn't announce is the company's preference for working with the Xbox. Nintendo isn't exactly enamored with Sony and they realize that strong Nintendo support for the Xbox could change the tides of the console wars. Unfortunately, none of this is happening anytime soon. By the year 2005 we will have a Miyamoto game on the Xbox."
--Official Xbox Magazine, rumor page, 2002

"Mommy, what are those two Sega machines doing?"
--the actual headline on the 32X's magazine ad

"They really need to clean that 7-Up logo. The Spot's dead body has been there for years. It's sick."

"The soup is only like a buck forty-three, you can't beat that. And I get tired of people telling me there's cat in there. Even if it is, then that's some damn good cat. So there."
--Polas on chinese food

"If you see an empire, it is evil. Destroy it."
--someone who calls himself "Swimmy" on the Internet

"Samus doesn't want a boy like Link, she wants a man like Karnov."

BILL: "...So then Urkel decided to send Urkelbot to the job interview instead of going himself."
BILL: "I don't know why. I guess because it would allow a mixup to occur that we, the viewer, would find amusing."
"Was it amusing?"
BILL: "Not really."
"Then I must ask you again. Why did he send the Urkelbot?"
BILL: "Because he didn't think he was good enough to get the job. But when the Urkelbot broke down and Urkel had to explain himself, the man was so impressed by his honesty that he got the job. The end."
"That was beautiful, Mike."


"When you expect me to zig, I zag. And when you think a zag's coming? That's when I zog."

"Hairballs are Nature's way of saying, 'Bad Putty Tat! Stop licking yourself!'"
--Berke Breathed

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltter is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe."

"Special effects without story would be just boring."
--George Lucas, 1984

"I dreamt I was a moron."
--Squall from FFVIII

"My grilfriend's named Heather.
She wears lots of leather.
She has to be tethered.
Whenever there's weather.
She likes to eat feathers."

--An internet post

"They changed the name of the Bronco to avoid association with the OJ incident. Now it's called the Escape!"
--Arrested Development

"I've got SPIDER POWER!!"
--Peter Parker

"I'm waiting for someone to punch a monkey at the zoo and blame flash ads."
--Penny Arcade's Tycho Brahe

"Hold your horses, miss horsie holder."
--Rory Gilmore

"Ah, Valentine's Day. The least awesome holiday of the year. And I include Administrative Assistants Day in that statement. If you're single, you have an entire society trying to make you feel bad about it, and you end up getting drunk alone and listening to your Winamp playlist of 'Songs which Make You Want to Eat Bleach.' Or if you're in a relationship, you've suddenly got all this pressure to put into material form the love and devotion which you THOUGHT you had been expressing for the last X weeks/months/years but apparently not because you didn't buy someone a pink stuffed gorilla."
--Somebody smart

"Today's music industry is a lot like professional wrestling. Everybody knows it's fake, but no one cares."
--Tom Petty

"Nintendo isn't ashamed to admit that it's chasing girls."

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
--Lewis Carroll

"Well, this wangs chung."

"Well, this toads the wet sprocket."

"The only things that can survive a nuclear holocaust are concrete, roaches, and Mega Man, having defeated Cement Mixer Man and Thorax Man in 1992."

"The sad thing is that Canada could have had French cuisine, British culture and American technology, but ended up with British cooking, French technology, and American culture."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"Nobody shoots anybody in the face unless you're a hit man or a video gamer."
--Jack Thompson

"The Wii is selling like hotcakes!" --someone
"Do hotcakes really sell that fast?" --someone else

"Now you can take your Jill Sandwich wherever you go."
--Play magazine on Resident Evil DS

"At some point, you should consider buying a real guitar."
--Guitar Hero loading screen

"It's more expensive to make games for Australia because down there the CD drives spin the opposite direction."


"We should adopt the cat as currency.

Think about it.

It would end the gap between the rich and the poor. I mean, who wants to have 6 billion cats hanging around? You'd pretty much have to give them away.

It would curb inflation. Cats reproduce at a rate about the same that we print the dollar, but they aren't based on trust. All cats need food and litter boxes, meaning a universal value.

Kids learn responsibility and get an allowance at the same time.

The cat as a currency would stimulate the economy, as only a live cat would be usable. You'd have to spend it.

One cat would be worth more than a standard dollar. A car might cost a thousand cats, but a nice meal for four would only cost one cat. You can't split a cat, so people would have more motivation to share with others.

It is very very very hard to counterfeit a cat.

No more stray cats. Heck, if I saw a stray cat and it was worth money, I'd be all over that thing.

Drug trafficing would also be reduced. A cat exchange would be VERY easy to spot.

It's environmentally friendly, since the bank and the animal shelter would only need one building."

--"Golden Dude"


"You know why cats lick themselves? Because they're delicious."

"Why do they make gun bullets out of lead? Don't they know people can die from lead poisoning?"

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
--Dr. Seuss

"Don't you feel smart? Rudy Giuliani spent more than $30 million dollars trying to become President of the United States. You've spent nothing and you have almost the same chance that he does."
--Mark Evanier

"Do people actually think that I walk around in life like that all time? I'M GOING TO DO MY LAUNDRY, YES! PASS ME THE MILK! THANK YOU. CAN I HAVE SOME CHANGE?'"
- Dan Green, the voice actor for Yugi (wish I could hear this one)

"Tonight I dine on Turtle Soup!"
--Shredder, TMNT

"All right! It's time to pop the Zitz and squeeze a Pimple and scratch a Rash!"
--General Slaughter, Battletoads

"PS3 is not a game machine. We've never once called it a game machine."
--Ken Kutaragi, high-up at Sony

"I'd like to clearly say, 'The PS3 is a game machine.' It's nothing more than that."
--Kaz Hirai, the other high-up at Sony

"You'll wonder just WHO'S playing WHO!"
--actual sentence on a PS3 promotion poster

"I've said this before, but I instantly lose respect for anyone who buys a PS3.
Like, a friend of mine has been in a real spiral lately. First he flunks out of university, then spends an entire year doing nothing, cause he can't keep a job for more than three days, so he spends all his time playing WoW and watching TV, and he's recently started on pot to get his thrills...and then I found out he plans to buy a PS3. That's the last straw, man."

--Yet another internet post

"Ed obeys the Ramen! Only the Ramen! All others are false! Repent!"
--Radical Edward

"What is a man? A miserable little pile of Water, Carbon, Ammonia, Lime, Phosphorus, Salt, Saltpeter, Sulfer, Flourine, Iron, Silicon, 15 other elements ...and secrets! But enough talk, have at you!"
--Seen in many signatures; paraphrased from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

"Dracula's died and come back so often it barely counts. They've done this song and dance so many times they started setting the games in the future because they're down to one weekend in 1470 where the guy was actually dead for more than a couple minutes. Not that this is strange. Death is like his best bud. They just hang out in that tower all day drinkin' PBRs and watching the Spice Channel until a Belmont shows up and they pull the immortality equivalent of hiding under the couch until he goes the hell away."

"Hey, isn't that man in tights battling a skeleton head Prince Adam?"
"No, that couldn't be Prince Adam. Prince Adam's cat doesn't have a weird helmet on it."


"You're only reading this because you're bored!"
--Cranky Kong

"We will be beaten over the head with anything we express interest in until well after we lose interest."
--Joe Queenan

"Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
--Ambrose Bierce